Why The Pope Stepped Down

If the clergy are supposed to live in poverty and dress plainly, why does the Pope always dress like he's trying out for the Rockettes'? Was Benny Boy a disco era pimp before joining the clergy? And What's up with the hat? Why is the Vicar of Jesus Christ rocking a Jimmy Cap? That thing looks like the lovechild of a bedazzle gun and Andre the Giant’s oven mitt. That must be what happens when an Egyptian pharaoh blows his load into Chef Boyardee's muffin top.  It's  something an Elven Shaman would wear if it crawled up from middle Earth to attend Marde Gras. I'm stoked one of the galaxies eternal mysteries has finally been solved, that being “what did the biggest flaming gay Klan members used to wear to Lilith Fair?” It is kinda sweet, though, that the leper Jesus Christ forgot to heal has enough love in his heart to make this decorative origami fish head for JC's Earthly voice. The Prince of the Apostles’ hat is the least of his worries. Whenever the Papal rides in the Pope Mobile, locked in that glass box in back, waving to everyone, I feel sad for him. Wearing that wrinkled face and all those gold threads, he looks like some ancient historical treasure, on loan to Macy's from some cash-strapped museum, chugging down the street on the main float of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Not only do I get sad, but hungry, too.  Who wouldn't?  A white and gold object, surrounded by glass, rotating on a perch so his best features can be seen by all…just like a cannoli spinning around in the display case at the front counter of a diner.

The leader of the Catholic Church fancies wearing cheap handbags for hats.