The Most Original of Gangsters

Urban hispanics become Latino Kings, juvenile whites join the Aryan Brotherhood, Crips and bloods recruit new members from troubled neighborhood youths...Even nerdy NYC college boys who aspire to be architects are initiated into the Van Buren Boys...there's seemingly a gang for everyone...except senior citizens. Why isn't there a violent, merciless street gang for old people? There damn well should be!

They can call themselves the Werthers Original Gangsters, because nothing keeps a geyser from their hard candy. Just cuz arthritis prevents them from shanking and their saggy, bony bodies don't exactly intimidate rivals doesn't mean old people don't enjoy a good turf war, or can't run a profitable racketeering operation.

They just instill fear and obedience in other ways. Cataracts, and the inability to see over the steering wheel, may prevent them from carrying out drive-bys, but ride-by canings in a wheelchair disables an enemy just the same. These OGs have an advantage over other gangs, too, in that their senile dementia guarantees they won't be ratted out by one of their own...because no one can remember anything that happened more than 7 minutes ago. 

Even LifeAlert can't save you from Abe!

Granted, these retirees can't outgun the other gangs, but they can sure as Hell out-nag them. They will nag to death anyone and everyone that crosses their field of vision, even if that person does resemble their grandson, which they always do. These OGs' will run their rivals out of town on hatred alone, because we ruined this country, with our rock n' roll, MTV, the Interwebs, civil rights..and PacMan video games.  Better be nice to old people now, cuz its only a matter of tie before Andy Griffith, Wilfred Brimley, Abe Vigoda and your grandmother take over your 'hood, and start charging area business owners tribute of a quarter, then putting that quarter in your birthday card. Werthers Original Gangsters!!! Say it over and over, not out of respect, but because they won'y hear you the first few times.