You know how when you leave a job, HR conducts an exit interview, where they ask what you liked/disliked about the company? I think they should have those for relationships, too. A face to face meeting with your ex, on neutral territory, where you guys discuss why it didnt work out. If it was an ugly breakup and you two can't be around each other, a moderator can be used. If you too are on bad terms, this meeting can serve as a clearing-the-air session where grievances can be aired and tension lifted. You won't even need to pace or worry about what to say to them, either, as you can use the same questions HR people do when interviewing soon-to-be ex employees. Here is a list of some good ones that will definitely help you in the healing process, and give you some closure as to why that rotten, ungrateful, cheating cunt bitch-slapped your heart out of your chest and pissed all over it.
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1. If you wanna know why she dumped you...
"Is the reason for you terminating my position because of downsizing, position being eliminated, insubordination or other?"
-Downsizing means she can't fit a man into her schedule anymore, either she is too busy with work, or you were such a nightmare boyfriend that she is now a lesbian. If your position is being eliminated, she just wants to be single, meaning you won't be trying any new sexual positions on her. means she just wants to be single. Insubordination means you lied, cheated, stole or mistreated her in some way, like trying to stick it in her ass repeatedly after she told you no.
2. If you wanna ask, in a polite way, if she was cheating on you...
"Has my old position already been filled by another applicant?"
-It's asked in such a professional way she won't even realize what you're really trying to figure out. If she says yes, there's a good chance her pussy was like the bottom of the ocean, the final resting place of many semen.
3. If you still like them & wanna know if there's a chance you'll get back together-
"If a new position opens up in the future, would you hire me back?"
-While it will crush you if she says no, don't lose hope. Bitches change their mind all the time. Just play hard to get for a few weeks, or start hanging out with another girl and she'll be all into you again.
4. If you're curious if she dumped you cuz of a legitimate character flaw and if it's something you can fix...
"What things should I work ion for future relationships?"
-If its something simple, like putting the toilet seat down or occasionally watching a lifetime movie with her, change is worth considering. However, if she insists on telling you how to dress and act, or demands you start wearing condoms when she blows you cuz of dick germs, that bitch has got to go!
5. If you wanna know if you guys can still be fuck buddies...
"Will there be any kind of severance package?"
-Just cuz she no longer keeps tampons at your house doesn't mean you guys still can't poke. Casual sex is even better than dating, cuz you don't need to cuddle or put up with all her complaining and never-ending drama. The length of the agreement depends on how long the relationship was.
6. If you want a clear conscience in knowing you treated her great and she's an evil bitch for dumping you...
"Would you recommend me to another girl?"
-Girls trust the opinions of their fellow breasted-Americans, especially when it comes to guys. A good word from a friend, or at least another sister-in-menstruation, about you definitely won't hurt in getting you back in the game. On the flip side, a few negative remarks can black ball your penis from vaginal cavities everywhere, spearheading a consecutive assless days streak so long it makes Cal Ripken, Jr. look like a lazy piece of shit who never goes to work.
6. If she doesn't have any hot friends or is just a lying whore whom no one believes...
"Can you write me a letter of recommendation?"
Much like with a professional letter, a relationship LOR acts as certified documentation to aid you in your womanizing efforts. Her glowing reference of your character will validate all the narcissistic claims you've shared with the woman you're trying to bang. "Wow, he really is hung like a Clydesdale, it says so right here!", she'll say. You'll be parking your Towncar in her garage in no time. Figure, your ex owes you some kind of restitution for all you did for her while you were dating. After putting in thousands of hours, and dollars, earning the rep as a great guy, you can't possibly be expected to start the whole gruelling process over again with a new girl. You don't have that kind of time. A well-written, complimentary letter is better than a Porsche or money when it comes to getting ass. For even more credibility, you can have the letter notarized, so it looks real official-like. However, you will have to be nice to your ex, cuz, much like prospective employers, prospective suitors will call your references to make sure they're legit. Piss her off and she's liable to tell your crush you were born a woman, or your wanted for murder. Use cautiously.
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**Once these questions have been answered and all your differences ironed out, you too can at least be cordial to one another. If not, then you should at least come to an agreement concerning protocol for relations and shit-talking. Tell her you'll say nothing about her cheating or her sixth toe, which grows out of her vagina, if she keeps her mouth shut about your 3 inch penis and penchant for wearing thongs...backwards. If you guys can't be friends, at least be civil. Somewhere down the road, if she renegs on the deal, you reserve the right to post their naughty pics/videos to facebook, and tag them so all their friends can see how abnormally long and deformed her nipples are.
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