Can a Virginity Grow Back?

 I am a LOSER when it comes to women.  If it wasn't for alcohol, poor decision-making and roofies, I'd be a virgin (kidding about the roofies).  I lack confidence and assume no attractive women would ever be interested in me.  I feel I have nothing to offer.  I'm bald, overweight, don't have a lot of money and am a lifetime underachiever.  What girl in her right mind would go home with me, much less date me?  As the saying goes, "If you think you'll fail, you will".  I do, and I have, every single time.  My credo should be "If they're hot, I don't got a shot". 

My poor self-esteem, most notably with sports and women, is no doubt at least partially due to the fact that I was picked on for a time in school.  As a child, I was shy and overweight, which is the equivalent of the smell of blood to a shark.  As I got older, I developed (out of necessity) a great sense of humor.  This attractive character trait gave me confidence for the first time.  People who would have poked fun at my chubby cheeks and lack of coordination before suddenly wanted to be my friend, cuz they thought I was hilarious.  Ever since, I have been able to make friends easily, regardless of what race, culture, background, social group, age or sex they were.  I had no problem talking to women I didn't look at in a sexual way.  I was my normal, outgoing, witty self to them.  Unfortunately, my newfound communication tool didn't transcend to conversations with women I wanted to see naked.  I was still a drooling, stuttering brain fart whenever there were tits I desperately wanted to motorboat in front of me.  I remain that walking calamity with women I am crushing on to this day.  

I do this because I have terrible anxiety. It makes me over-think drastically, over-analyzing everything they say or do in an attempt to determine if they like me and, if so, if I should make a move or not.  I never end up making a move, because my anxiety causes all these negative thoughts to flood my brain, and I become terrified they'll reject me. I keep hanging out with them, promising myself that "I'm goin' for it tonight".  I make myself the same promise after I pussy out again the next time, and the next, and the next, and so on...  Eventually, one of two things happen...  

1) I become too good of friends with the girl, causing her to lose all sexual interest in me and punching my ticket to "The Friend Zone".  I FUCKING HATE THE FRIEND ZONE.  I've spent so much time there, I should list it as a seasonal home.  If the Friend Zone was a country, I wouldn't be President or King, I'd be Dictator, and I'd rule with an Iron Fist.  All the other residents (other losers who got bitch-slapped into the FZ) would bow down to me, their Leader, in awe, because I am the undisputed Heavyweight Champion of Pussies when it comes to women.

 

2)  The pressure I put on myself to win their heart, or at least get their pants off, eventually becomes too much to handle, and results in me becoming a certified paranoid schizophrenic.  My nerves snapped, reality lost, I start acting, and sounding, like a creepy douchebag, and scare them away, sometimes so much they actually hate me afterwards, fearing I've become some crazy stalker who's gonna follow them home from work, then hide in their closet until bedtime, when they'll jump out and beat them to death with their own vibrator as they watch Nick at Nite.

-Even if I did somehow manage to coerce (or drug) a hottie into coming home with me, I wouldn't know what to do with her, other than convulse into her with my 3 inch penis for 5 seconds, at which point I would prematurely ejaculate on my sheets, then grab my cell phone and, while giggling like a schoolboy, take her picture while she lay in my bed, looking angry and unsatisfied, so I can prove to my friends that I actually fucked  a woman who didn't have hooves and an ass brand.  Thank God for crackheads, or I'd never get laid.