27 Tuxes

I have been to over 40 weddings in my life.  I have also been so blessed as to have stood up in 10 of them!  I've been a groomsmen 7 times, and twice had the honor of being the Best Man (CLICK HERE to read)  I also served as the Ring-bearer for my Aunt's big day when I was four.  I've had some wild times at weddings, and I've pulled some legendary pranks.  Here are two of them.

Tommy and Sheila Callen, 6/22/2003- St. Bonaventure College, NY

My tux was a stunner before the "accident".

My buddy Tommy got married to his HS sweetheart right out of college.  He had a big wedding party (see left), which consisted mostly of fellow Klan brothers.  Me and the other Groomsmen stayed in the same Suite all weekend.  We cracked our first beer as soon as we walked in the door on Thursday, and didn't stop drinking till Sunday morning.  The wedding was, of course, open bar, but only beer for most people.  The wedding party got everything on the house, and I took advantage of it to its fullest.    Like always, I was one of the last men standing,  I ended up getting so drunk that I ended the night on the floor of the suite, spewing the contents of my stomach all over the living area, including my tuxedo.  It wasn't a clean vomit, either.  It was brown with a greenish tint and chunky.  It also stunk like a dead carcus, so bad thick fumes were rising off it.  Afterwards, the entire room wreaked like Gettysburg, PA the morning after the battle ended.   After dry heaving and spitting up blood for a few minutes, I realized what I did and panicked.  I was sure the Tuxedo rental place was gonna make me buy the tux I just ruined.  Fuck that!  What the Hell would I want to buy a smoking, rancid smelling vomit tux for?  I don't care if it fit like a glove! 

Not wanting the vomit and smell to seep into my underwear, I quickly stripped down to my boxers, tossing the sewage suit on the floor.  I frantically looked around, trying to find a place to stuff the tux until I found out what to do with it.  I would have to clean it somewhere, which wasn't a very enticing idea.  Suddenly, I spotted a black bag on the ground.  I picked it up and saw it was the tuxedo bag of my friend Wimp, another groomsmen.  I spread the bag out on the couch, picked my wrinkled, shit clothes from the ground and hung the shirt, pants then jacket up on hangers, like they were fresh out of the factory.  I stuffed the freshly hung, horrific looking, soon to be maggot-infested tuxedo in Wimp's bag, zipped it up and threw it in the bedroom I was sleeping in.  I returned my suit the next day, and Wimp took the blame for sending it back in "irreparable" condition.  Not sure if he had to buy it, but he definitely wasn't pleased.  That'll teach him to pass out early.

-----------------------------------------

Joe and Meghan Dote, 1/26/2008, Utica, NY

It was half hour before the wedding.  Myself, Joey and the rest of his merry (grooms)men were at Joe's house, changing into our tux's and awaiting the limo.  Everyone straightened their jackets and struggled with their ties as they checked each other out for wardrobe malfunctions.  I was in the bathroom, bracing myself for the laughter and horror that awaited as soon as I walked out of that bathroom.  I had snuck a second pair of pants in to the bathroom with me.  I had bought this pair of pants a few days earlier, in anticipation of this event.  I left my real tux pants in the bathroom so I could put them on afterwards.  I performed some slight alterations to my gag pants beforehand, and I was praying I did a good job.  I wanted this early wedding gift to go smoothly for the groom, as he had a lot on his mind that day.  I threw the pants on and got dressed.  As the others yelled for me to hurry up, I pushed the bathroom door open and marched down the hallway toward the living room, where they all were. I entered the room casually and asked how I looked.  I raised my arms, back to the wall, and asked how the length on the arms and jacket were.  When it was confirmed they were okay, I stepped out from the wall and started slowly twirling around while asking "how do the pants look?"  Three others carefully checked out the front, then sides of my pants for loose threads and other miscues.  My buddy started mouthing the words "Looks fine, Rob---", but stopped mid-sentence when I turned the rest of the way around and he saw the back of my pants.  My entire body shook in silent laughter at the uproar I was about to cause.  Joey came in from the other room, saw my bare ass sticking out of the tux pants, and dropped his just opened beer on the ground.  It slammed with a thud and rolled down the floor.  "What the fuck?" he said.  The others knew it was just a joke at this point and they were rolling.  Joey got mad briefly, but then started laughing his ass off.  He messaged his soon to be wife telling her what I did, snapped a picture of my bare, white ass and sent it to her.  That's the picture you see below.  Some people may think it was a dick move cuz weddings are so stressful for the couple, but I like to think I broke the ice a little bit, let them release some tension in the form of some belly laughs.  To this day thats gotta be the best/worst wedding prank ever.  I just wish my cut job was a little better, I wanted full ass cheek, no thigh.  Oh well, I'll get it right next time.

I look like a banker in this!