It was July 3rd, 2012 in Old Forge, NY. I had come up after work and intended on staying until after the fireworks the next day. I was psyched to be back home in Old Forge, my favorite place on Earth. I had yet to go up that summer, and was stoked I'd get to spend the holiday in the mountains, where I felt most at home. I decided to wait to go up until later, as I desperately wanted to avoid the ridic traffic that was no doubt gonna be bumper to bumper the entire time. I ran some errands, then stopped to hang out with my Utica boys for a bit at a local bar. I had a few pops, then went on my way. I ended up getting into town around 9:30.
Like always, my first stop was the Tow Bar, a dive tavern smack dab in the middle of town. The Tow Bar is one of my favorite bars ever, and thats an impressive statement considering I'm a world travelling drunk. To see the full list of my favorite watering holes, CLICK HERE. "The Tow" is where the locals hung out to get away from all the obnoxious, annoying tourists who infested the town all summer. I sat down, ordered a drink and started blowing up my friends phones while I caught up with the owner. We drank and shot the shit all night. it was a great time. I had made a reservation at El Hotel de Crack, aka the couch at my buddy Red's place, to spend the night. This remained my plan until just before last call, when my buddy Luke asked me to go kayaking!?
It was so random I laughed cuz I thought he was joking. I had only kayaked once in my life, and that was 20 years ago. However, after some discussion, I agreed that drunk kayaking in the dark was a great idea. So, I ditched Red and went with Luke and his buddy Doug to Luke's house, stopping for beer along the way.We got to Lukes, put the boats in the water and headed out. Before boarding, Luke and Doug emptied out their pockets of their cell phones and other valuables they didn't wanna get wet.. I forgot to do this, an oversight I later regretted. We had initially planned on going just a few miles, up to a green bridge on the outskirts of town, then coming home and going to bed. However, when we got there, we weren't ready to come home, so we kept going. Our new destination being Lock-and-Dam, which was another 3 miles or so up the river.
Everything remained on the up and up until 20 minutes later, when I realized I had to piss. I asked Luke if we could pull over somewhere, obviously forgetting we were in the middle of a river, not on a freeway. Luke told me I could piss when we got to the Dam, which he claimed was "just around the corner". I agreed and kept paddling.
20 minutes, and 3 corners later, we had yet to reach, or even see, the dam. I again called to Luke and expressed concern that the inside of his kayak was in danger of getting a golden shower if we didn't find a place to piss soon. Luke again assured me we were almost there, again saying "It's right around the corner". I sighed, adjusted my seating position, and paddled on, staring at the sky hoping spotting constellations would help me take my mind off the discomfort that was turning into pain.
Why did it hurt? You know how the sound of a leaky faucet makes you need to pee? Well, a river is just a big ass faucet, but instead of just drops, you're dealing with thousands of gallons of violent, wild, flowing rapids. Unlike a faucet, though, you can't shut this water off. The sound of the current consumes your eardrums, making you unable to ignore nature's call. If that weren't enough, I had been drinking all night, and was pounding beers the entire time I was on the river. If I was still at the bar, I woulda pissed 3 times by now. I wasn't though, I was stuck in a tiny, rocky unable to stand up, surrounded by nothing but water and lillypads,
30 more minutes and 2 corners later, still no fucking damn! I was in rough shape, as the pain and discomfort was so intense I was no longer paddling. I just sat in the boat swaying back and forth, hands down my pants, trying out different grips on my nuts to see which ones made the pain go away. After my whole arsenal of kung fu grips failed to release the tension, I decided to fuck the dam and find the shore. I paddled frantically, as I was sure the head of my dick was about to pop off. My pain got worse every time I lifted the paddles out of the water, as I would hear tiny droplets of water drop into the river from the paddles. That annoying "bloop....bloop...bloop" sound will be embedded in my skull for eternity. 10 minutes later, I steered the boat through a patch of lillypads, around a fallen tree stump and crashed the boat into a dirt embankment. I rolled out of the boat, onto my hands and knees, then trekked up the embankment. Using treebranches for balance, I climbed that shit like Cliffhanger. My dick erupted like Old Fateful, starting before it was even out. The entire lower part of my shirt was covered in piss before I even knew what was going on. I clutched a branch for support as I eventually got my shirt out of the way of my stream. As my bladder emptied, I got a big shit eating grin, as it was maybe the happiest moment of my life. I actually started thinking about if this piss was the biggest accomplishment in my life. It very well might have been.
8 minutes later...
I zip up, bladder empty, huge smile on my face. I make my way down the embankment and to the boat. Full of confidence and empty of piss, I step in the boat while I thought about the comfortable bed that awaited me in Luke's guest bedroom. My foot slipped a little and I grabbed a tree branch for balance. This is when my luck ran out and things got nutty.
As I tried to regain my footing and balance, the branch I was using broke off in my hand, and I tumbled into the river, pockets full of electronics and other valuables. I swear it happened in slow motion, as I remember looking over at my hand clutching the branch, then down at my feet, watching as the boat slipped out from under me. I grabbed for a few more branches to no avail, and, after what seemed like forever, I tumbled into the river with a SPLASH. As I stood there, submerged up to my chest in the river in pitch black, I suddenly realized I had a whole bunch of shit in my pockets, shit that shouldn't get wet. I threw my hand into my pocket and pulled out my adderall, which, for some reason, I felt the need to bring with me, instead of leaving them in the car. I fumbled around my pocket until I felt the cellafane they were in. I pulled it out and investigated. To my horror, my pills were soft, deformed, and crumbly, and most weren't usable. Weird that I cared more about making sure I still had my fix than trying to save my cell phone, my wallet, the $200 in cash I had, my cigarettes, or lighter. Knowing my precious drugs werent completely ruined, I used a tree root to pull myself onto dryland. Once ashore, I emptied my pockets of everything else. My cigarettes were smushed and worthless, my cell phone was so fucked up there was actually water behind the screen. It looked like a snowglobe. Everything in my wallet was soaked, but usable. The cash I would just let dry out. I examined everything, regrouped and then attempted to get in the kayak again..
Ten seconds later...
I was right back in the river. This time I flipped the kayak, spilling all the beer. I also managed to lose both my sandals in the process. I looked over and saw one of them floating away. I didnt realize how drunk I was, as my balance was non-existent. I grabbed my sandal threw it on shore, then reached under the kayak to try and flip it rightside up again, to no avail. I couldnt get the water out and it kept sinking. Luke and Doug had actually reached the dam in the time I was on shore, and were on their way back when they heard a splash. A few more splashes and a dozen angry tyrades later, they took pity on me and came to help, no doubt fighting off laughter. They came ashore and helped me flip the boat back over, then gave me step by step instructions on how to get in. Even this didnt work, as I fell in again. Finally, Luke steadied my boat and guided me in. Doug walked around and managed to find all my belongings, save one sandal. Finally, after 45 minutes, I was back in my kayak. It was 5:15 at this point.
Luke's dad got up for work at 6:30, and he wanted to get home before that happened, so he wouldn't get the third degree about being out all night. So, exhausted, soaked and pissed off, I had to double-time it all the way back. The whole way back, Luke kept apologizing, cuz he knew I was pissed. I didnt find out till the next day that he spent the entire next day laughing his ass off and telling everyone what I did.
On a positive note, Luke did agree to sell me back some of the pills I had sold him earlier, so wasn't completely screwed in that respect. I went to bed immediately when we got back. I was supposed to meet up with more friends the next day, July 4th. We were gonna hang out, swim, barbecue and drink all day, then watch the fireworks. Since my phone was shot, however, I had no way of getting in touch with any of them, so I ended up going home right after breakfast. I stopped at Wal-Mart and bought some piece of shit LG phone, which I swore I'd never do again, and spent the rest of the day cursing my stupidity. I did get to watch fireworks, though, compliments of my neighbors, who had a party because their son was getting married. While the trip was shortened, I still did have a great time. The kayaking trip, while ending tragically, was an awesome time. I wanna do it more often now, maybe even buy one. I plan on going up to the Forge again this weekend. Hopefully, this trip will last more than a night.
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