The Essence of Utica

If they had a Utica scented cologne, it would be called WHIFF OF POVERTY, or WOP.  It would be dirt cheap, and would be sold only at Fastrac and Wal-Mart, and you could use food stamps to purchase it. The box would feature Rainbow's ukulele covered in greens and bird shit. Inside, instead of tissue paper, Phillie blunt stuffings' act as the padding.

The bottle itself would resemble a gun, so when its applied you shoot yourself (a fantasy of many Uticans). It would smell like a combination of stale Utica Club beer, Holland Farms muffins...and Bill Worden's BenGay. You would become a manic depressive immediately upon spraying it and would lose your job a week later, causing you to become an alcoholic and spend your days bitching about constant rain, wind and 50 degree temperature changes each morning. You'll spend your final years living back with your parents, where you'll spend the waking hours day- dreaming about leaving this shit-hole town, masturbating to the Macy's mannequins, and eating riggies. After the pollen causes you to wake up in a sneezing fit every morning, u go downstairs, pour yourself a bowl of Cheerios, and wait for your dad, wearing a polo shirt and tighty-whities, to throw some boots on and get the O-D from the box so you have something to wipe your ass with when you take your morning shit (you leave the good parts, the funny pages and obituaries, for mom and dad to leaf through while they drink their morning cup of moonshine). You'll then lead a pointless existence until you get brain cancer from not thinking for 4 years. You'll die a year later, sleeping in your old car bed, mid-nightmare, while watching an SBU commercial. At the funeral, your suit will be stolen by a crackhead for a fix and you'll be buried wearing only a dirty tube sock covering your penis and a Groucho Marx mustache your brother found in the dumpster in back of Salvo. Your will be laid to rest stuffed in a mattress, donated by Carl from Carl's Furniture City, who will also be giving your eulogy- which doubles as an infomercial for his next sale.