The Down & Dirty 30

Here is a compiled, tentative list of my top 40 Facebook updates of all time.  I weeded through around 1500 updates, made over the last 5 years, to get these.  Left many great ones out.  I am posting this on my FB page to commemorate my 5 Year Anniversary on the site.  These are all original thoughts, any posts I made which didn't come from my head were left off.  They are in order chronologically.  They aren't in rank order yet though, gonna do that later.  Which one's your favorite.  Your vote may determine which one gets #1.

     THE LIST

1**     I Am Not Going Out Tonight....Not Gonne Risk Getting A DWI. I Only Drink In The Morning. It’s Much Safer That Way. You Don't See Too Many DWI Checkpoints at 9 Am on a Wednesday- 8/20/2009

2**     I Decided I Want A GF. Ladies I’m Taking Applications. It Asks 4 Ur Height, Weight, Breast Size, Occupation, If U Believe In UFOs, Who Shot JFK And What The Capital Of Wyoming Is. I Will Also Need A 5-Page, Single-Spaced Essay On Why I Should Choose U. Also, Plz Send 3 Prof. References Of Ex-Bf's. I Need 2 Know What I’m Getting Into. Spitters Need Not Apply! I Wish U All the Best of Luck. May the Best Woman Win!- 10/15/2009

3**     My First Day of Teaching Is Over! Let Me Tell You, Those Kindergarteners Were Dumb As Shit! They Couldn’t Even Read!!!!- 11/6/2009  

4**     You Know You Watch Too Much Porn When You Can Tell What Year It Was Made Just By Looking At How The Women Cut Their Hair....And I'M Not Talking About The Hair On Their Head!- 12/5/2009  

5**     3 Days till Christmas...Which Means 4 Days Till I Have To Start My Christmas Shopping- 12/22/2009  

6**     I Love When People Who Claim 2 B Big Partyers Brag About The Stuff They Do & I'M Like Damn, I Call That A Slow Tuesday! Partyers Go Weeks Living Off Nothing But Alcohol, Cigarettes & LSD. Partyers Drink Beer...2 Sober Up. Partyers Do Beer Funnels...Filled With Draino. They Punch A Guy 4 Spilling Their Beer. True Partyers Graduate College with a Higher BAC than GPA- 1/15/2010  

7**     Yes, I Was In A Frat In College Called Klan Alpine. No, We Weren't Part Of The Klan. I Was A Klan Brother, Not A Klan Member! Our Roots Stem From Scottish Klansmen, Not Alabama Rednecks! We Did Not Wear White Hoods, & Our Highest Office Was President, Not Grand Wizard! We Spent Our Nights Puking Off Balconies & Having Drunken Sex, Not Burning Crosses & Blaming Others That We Are Inbred Fuckstains. Ok? - 1/21/2010  

8**     Two Local Pre-K's Are Closing Due To Underperformance! Let Me Say That Again, 2 Schools For 4 Year Olds Are Closing Because They Aren't Productive Enough. Aren't They A Little Tough On Kids Nowadays, I Mean, When I Was In Pre-K, A Productive Day Was Not Shitting My Pants....That's Why I Had To Repeat It....Three Times!- 1/22/2010  

9**     In 4 Years, I Want To Fulfill My Dream Of Being A South Korean Olympic Speed Skater! I Start Training Tomorrow! - 2/24/2010  

10**      I Heard Today That 1 Out Of Every 6 People Ages 14-49 Has Genital Herpes. Since I Have 435 Friends, that Means 72 Of You Are Whores!!!! 3/11/10- 3/11/2010  

11**      The Only Person To Ever Live Without Sin Was Jesus Christ, According To Christians. He Was Born On The Longest Night Of The Yr., Which Is Dec 21St, The Winter Solstice. He Was A Teacher And Avid Lover Of Children. He Died In Late March Around Ad 34 At The Age Of 31. Dave Park Was Also Without Sin. He Was Born 12/21/1978. He Was A Teacher And Avid Lover Of Children. He Died March 28, 2010 at the Age of 31...- 3/30/2010  

12**      My TV Debut Is Tonight! It's On A Very Well Known & Long Running Show, Too. I'M So Excited, This Could Spring Board My Acting Career! Everyone Please Watch! The Name Of The Show Is Cops. I Am In The 3Rd Segment- The Domestic Violence Call. I'M The 1 Dressed like a Pirate Who Has Women's Underwear on His Head. Oh & That's A Melted Chocolate Easter Bunny on My Hands, Not Poo, Ok. Let Me Know What You Think!- 4/13/2010  

13**      Technically Speaking, Shouldn't Father's Day Be Called Mother Fucker's Day?- 5/10/2010  

14**      How Is 24 Still On the Air? Going With The Show's Format, Jack Bauer Hasn't Slept In Almost A Week! There Is No Way He Would Be Alert Enough To Drive A Car, Much Less Hunt Down A Terrorist. I Think Season 7 Of The Show Should Have Jack Sleeping The Entire Time. Still Have Another Story Line Going, But Have The Cameras Shoot To Jack Sleeping A Few Times Every Episode. Would Make Story Much More Believable- 5/24/2010 

15**      Taking A Page Out Of My Good Friend The Situation's Book, I Will Now Be Known Strictly As The State Of Affairs. It Means The Same Thing As The Situation, Yet Is Longer And Takes A Full Second Longer To Say. Plus, It Sounds More Official, And The State Of Affairs Of Something Is A Much Broader Meaning Than Just The Situation. I Was Going To Tell Everyone To Call Me The 411...But That Just Sounds Gay. - 8/6/2010  

16**      I Don't Live With My Parents- I share a townhouse with a nice elderly couple- 11/6/2010  

17**      I Should Ask Unemployment for A Raise!! I’ve been a Very Loyal Employee for over a Year Now. I Always Do What I’m Told, And Rarely More Than A Few Weeks Late. I Have Turned Down Many Job Offers Too, Some For More Money; Something Should Be Said About Loyalty! In This Rough Economy, I’ve stuck By Them, When Everyone Else Was Trying to Leave, I Stuck by My Employer. Am I Right?- 11/20/2010  

18**      I'M Gonna Have My Bachelor Party Friday in Albany. Oh, I'M Not Getting Married- but Why Should Engaged Guys Have All the Fun?- 2/3/2011  

19**      Why Is It That Walking In On Somebody Wrapping Presents Is A Lot Like Walking In On Someone Taking A Dump Or Masturbating, In That When They See You Open The Door They Get Bug Eyed, Hunch Over, Cover Up What You Aren't Supposed To See, Then Start Screaming. Then they’ll Say Something like Get Out, Get Out!!!! Doesn't Anybody Fucking Knock Anymore?- 2/9/2011  

20**      I Have A Foolproof Method To Quit Smoking. Fuck Patches. Screw Nicorette! Chantix Can Go To Hell! If You Wanna Quit, All You Need To Do Is Get Mono. I Don’t Care how much you smoke, you're so fucked up you would sooner drink rat poison spiked with chunks of uranium than have a cig. I Plan on Marketing This Technique, packaging the viruses in little test tubes, put them in the Quit Smoking Aids Aisle at Neighborhood Pharmacy's.  Not only will you quit, but you’ll lose a ton of weight and catch up on sleep.- 8/30/2011  

21**      You Can Bust Your Ass At The Gym, Doing An Hour Of Cardio Then An Entire Body Workout, Consisting Of Nothing But Super Sets, And You Still Won't Be As Sweaty As You Are After 20 Minutes Of Moving Furniture. That Is Why I Am Going To Open A Gym. Instead Of Machines And Free Weights, It Will Just Have Pull-Out Couches, Tube TVs And Bedroom Sets Inside. Members Will Move the Stuff All over until They’ve Lost 20 Lbs. - 9/7/2011 

22**      Philip Morris Owns Kraft, Nabisco and Many Other Snack Food Companies. I’m waiting for them to Combine Cigarettes with These Other Delicious Products. Can You Imagine Chips Ahoy or Nutter Butter Flavored Cigarettes? Or A Cadbury Egg Filled With Cigarette Butts? The Options Are Endless!  Would you like full Or Menthol Flavored Teddy Grahams...Imagine Coughing up a Lung after Eating an Oscar Mayer Weiner.. - 9/10/2011  

23**      It’s Nice Living with Nothing to Lose. If Someone Sues Me for All I’m Worth, They'll actually owe $106,582.18! - 9/27/2011  

24**      Had Phone Interview Right after Work for A Ft Position in MetLife Administration. Effin' Nailed It! That HR Person Loved Me. My Quick Wit And Masterful Use Of The Linguistic Arts Made Her So Hot That, After The Interview Ended, She Begged Me To Have Phone Sex. I Respectfully Declined. Never Accept The First Offer! - 10/5/2011  

25**      Got Into Heated Discussion Today About Whether Or Not Midget Porn Is An Appropriate Office Secret Santa Gift. My Friend At Work Is Huge Into Midget Porn (Has It Delivered To Her Door Every Week). I Said That Midget Porn Is An Acceptable Gift As Long As It Is Xmas Themed. So, The Porn Would Have To Have Elves In It. For Easter, The Movie Would Need To Include Midget Playboy Bunnies Or Something. For Thanksgiving, Anything Works, As There Is A Lot Of Stuffing Going On In Adult Films. Same With Arbor Day, Because There Is A Lot Of Wood Present In Each Scene. - 10/18/2011  

26**      I Haven’t Gotten Laid In So Long I Think My Virginity Has Grown Back! Is It Still the Same Procedure, In->Out->Repeat? Or Has It Been Changed Through Genetic Manipulation And Technology? Like, Earlier This Week, Someone Said He Was Going To Fuck Me Up!?! And Then He Told Me To Fuck Off! How Are These Actions Accomplished? How Do You Fuck Up, Unless That Just Means Getting Ridden? And Fuck Off What? Is The Popular Technique Now Done On Some Kind Of Platform That You Can Fall Off Of? Like A Plank, Teeter Tauter or Balance Beam Maybe? I Need to Know, cut Someday I Hope to Use These Maneuvers. - 11/6/2011 

27**      Studies Say That Having 2 Beers A Day Is Healthy For The Average Man. That Means I'M 8X as Healthy as You!! - 11/19/2011  

28**      Opportunity Recently Knocked on My Door...And Then Left A Flaming Bag of Dog Shit at My Doorstep and Ran Off.. - 11/30/2011  

29**      I Heard Ronald Reagan May Replace Us Grant As Face Of $50 Bill. Here's A Better Idea, Get Rid Of The $50 Bill, cut Its Such a Stupid Currency to Print. It’s Not Something People Carry around for Practical Reasons, Or Status. When They Show Suitcases Of Money On TV, The Bills Are Always $100's And Sometimes $20S, But Never $50S. Showing A Dude With A Case Full Of $50 In A Movie Is Like Saying Now Is The Time To Go To The Bathroom cut This Guy’s Completely Irrelevant In The Plot, He’s Not Big Time Enough To Get 100S. He’ll Be Shot in 3 Minutes by a Guy with a Briefcase Full of Franklins. People That Carry $50 Bills Are Trying to Portray That They Have Money and Are More Important than the Rest of Us, But in Reality They’ll Have to Count Change in Their Couch for an Ed Hardy Shirt. - 12/5/2011  

30**      I Want To File A Class Action Lawsuit Against MTV. Every Time I Hear The Word Situation Now, I Think Of That Grade A Certified Douche From Jersey Shore. That Used To Be Such A Respectable Word, Too. Now I Won’t Be Able To Use It The Rest Of My Life Without Dry Heaving. Sorrentino May Have Given Us The Words “DTF” And Given Pop Culture Life To The Previously Military Word Grenade, But It Took A Solid, Easy To Spell, Multi-Use Word Away From The World Forever, And Damn Him For That! After Looking Up The Synonyms, I Have Decided That, From Here On Out, I Will Use Either The Words Deal Or Position In Substitution. Rip Situation, You Will Be Missed. - 2/1/2012  

31**      We Were Told To Wear Our Sunday's Best To Work Tomorrow? Should I Take This Literally To Mean Wear To Work What I Normally Wear On Sundays? - A Mustard And Beer-Stained Wife-Beater, A Pair Of Skidz Pants, A Thong (Worn Backwards), Two Different Colored Socks And Homer Simpson Slippers? - 2/15/2012  

32**      I Love Looking At What's Trending On Yahoo. It’s Always The Most Random Shit, Like Now Trending: A-Rod, Midget Porn, Secretariat, Hepatitis C, Mitt Romney, Alf, Chicken Wing Pizza, The Russian Space Station and McDonalds Shamrock Shake. Uhmm, Yeah, I’ve Always Thought Those Things Had Something In Common. - 2/22/2012  

33**      What Is The Purpose Of Sentencing Someone To 8 Consecutive Life Terms? Are They Afraid The Person May Actually Survive The First 560 Years In Prison So They Added Another 80? What Happens If This Badass Is A Vampire Or Jedi And Does Complete Their Time? Would The Police Set Them Free? Put them up in a Shitty Apt and Get Them Job Mopping Up giz stains from Truck Stop Bathrooms? I Hope Not! I Don’t Wanna Live Next To A Vampire! I wonder if they have to register With the Town, Like Pedophiles, and So Neighbors Know If They’re Living next To a Blood Sucker. While There Are A Few Nice Vampires, Like Leslie Nielson From Dracula: Dead And Loving It And The Older Brother From Lost Boys, Most Want Nothing But Your Plasma. - 2/28/2012  

34**      Must Suck To Have Birthday Today. Get Only Two Birthday Cakes During Your Cake Eating Prime! Gotta Be 84 before you can Drink Legally and by the Time You Can Buy Cigarettes, You’ll already have Lung Cancer. - 2/29/2012  

35**      A Few Quick Errands Then Off To Move Devin into His Apt. A Fun Filled Night Of Carrying Furniture Up Stairs, Organizing Boxes, And Interior Decorating Will Be Followed By A Night Of Getting Hammered And Throwing Couches Down Stairs, Messing Up The Shit We Just Organized And Excreting Various Bodily Fluids All Over The Walls And Floor. We’ll Be Moving Devin out Tomorrow, Under Court Order, and Accompanied by Police. - 3/2/2012  

36**      Remember In Elementary School, There Was A Student Organization Called The Banana Splits, Which Was For Kids Of Divorced Parents? I Was So Jealous of Those Kids, cut I Thought They Got to Eat Banana Splits Every Day after School. I Held A Grudge Against My Parents For Staying Together For Years, Until I Finally Found Out The Truth When I Was 27. Sorry Mom and Dad! - 3/20/2012  

37**      At around this time 2 years ago, the final nail in the coffin for humanity was pounded into place when Dave Park was tragically taken away in the prime of his life. In a world full of arrogance, selfishness, greed and hatred, Dave was the definition of a pure soul. He is the only being to ever live who was perfect in every way. He was my best friend, my brother, my inspiration, my drive, my conscience, my guiding light, my confidence, my confidant, my ground, my heart and, most of all, my hero. I miss him so much word cannot describe. Not a day goes by where I don't wish I could trade places with him, so he could still be here, inspiring people; acting as positive role model; teaching kids about sports and life; making people smile and laugh; and serving as the blueprint of what everyone should strive to be! Dave, thanks for believing in and motivating me to turn my life around. I promise your faith will not be in vain! RIP DWP! Gone from this Earth but never gone from my heart.- 3/28/2012

38**      Things U Will Never Hear: Please Stop Sucking My Dick; That Gas Station Sandwich Really Hit the Spot...And you take the hot one, I want the fat chick.- 4/13/2012  

39**      What’s With All These Uber-Specific Dating Sites? Blackmingle, Christian Mingle, now I Hear there’s A Farmers Dating Site, Geared to Help Old Macdonald Find a Mate (A Goat, Maybe?) To Make Him Go Eeiieeiioo! What’s next? Will Amish Dating Sites Sprout Up, Even Though They Aren’t Allowed To Use Electricity, Much Less Computers...or Maybe One for Death Row Inmates. What about Fictional Creatures? 800 Yr. Old Jedi’s Need Lovin, Too, As Do Gollums and Hobbits.  Why Stop There? I’m waiting for a Website Dedicated to Finding That Special Someone for Imaginary Friends. U Know That’ll Be True Love, cut looks aren’t Important To Them.  They Can’t See Each other- Only U Can, And Ur Already In a Serious Relationship with Ur Internet Porn- 5/2/2012 

40**      If They Had A Utica Scented Cologne, It Would Be Cheap, And You Could Use Food Stamps To Purchase It. The Box Would Feature Rainbow's Ukulele Covered In Greens and Bird Shit. Inside, Instead Of Tissue Paper, Phillie Blunt Stuffing’s Act as the Padding. The Bottle Itself Would Resemble a Gun, So When It’s Applied You Shoot Yourself (A Fantasy of Many Uticans). It Would Smell Like A Combination Of Stale Utica Club Beer, Holland Farms Muffins...And Bill Worden's Bengay. You Would Become A Manic Depressive Immediately Upon Spraying It And Would Lose Your Job A Week Later, Causing You To Become An Alcoholic And Spend Your Days Bitching About Constant Rain, Wind And 50 Degree Temperature Changes Each Morning. You’ll Spend Your Final Years Living Back with Your Parents, Where You’ll Spend the Waking Hours Day- Dreaming about Leaving This Shithole Town, Masturbating to the Macy's Mannequins, And Eating Riggies. After The Pollen Causes You To Wake Up In A Sneezing Fit Every Morning, U Go Downstairs, Pour Yourself A Bowl Of Cheerios, And Wait For Your Dad, Wearing A Polo Shirt And Tighty-Whities, To Throw Some Boots On And Get The O-D From The Box So You Have Something To Wipe Your Ass With When You Take Your Morning Shit (You Leave The Good Parts, The Funny Pages And Obituaries, For Mom And Dad To Leaf Through While They Drink Their Morning Cup Of Moonshine). You’ll then lead A Pointless Existence until You Get Brain Cancer from Not Thinking for 4 Years. You’ll die a Year Later, Sleeping in Your Old Car Bed, Mid-Nightmare, and While Watching an SBU Commercial. At The Funeral, Your Suit Will Be Stolen By A Crack head For A Fix And You’ll Be Buried Wearing Only A Dirty Tube Sock Covering Your Penis And A Groucho Marx Mustache Your Brother Found In The Dumpster In Back Of Salvo. Your Will Be Laid To Rest Stuffed In A Mattress, Donated By Carl From Carl's Furniture City, Who Will Also Be Giving Your Eulogy- Which Doubles As An Infomercial For His Next Sale...- 5/9/2012