A Family Affair

 I have been blessed with many great friends.  I have stood up in 10 weddings over the years (CLICK HERE to read about two great pranks I pulled at wedding's I stood up in.  On two occasions, I was chosen by my friend to serve as his Best Man.  My two best friends are brothers, and their weddings were 9 years apart.  This is a comparison and review of the speeches I gave at each one of their weddings.


I was the Best Man for my lifelong friend Zach earlier this summer.  That duty holds many responsibilities, not the least of which is writing a good best man speech.  I pulled out all the stops to make this speech as funny as possible.  The bar is set high, as I was Zach's brother Fred's Best Man back in 2003.  Fred's Speech was widely acclaimed and is remembered by those in attendance that day as one of the Best Best Man Speeches ever.  Fred's speech was off the cuff, too.  I didn't really have anything written down, just a few general ideas and I just went with it.  It turned out to be hilarious.  With Zach, I had over a year to prepare so I decided to put my ideas to paper beforehand.  The resulting debacle is seen below.  Mind you, I have no social conscience and will say anything.  Due to this flaw/skill, I let Zach read the speech to see if it was okay to read.  His answer?  Of course it wasn't.  He is making me take out like half of it.  For good reason, too.  Parts of this, Roast for my Best Friend, are barely appropriate to say at a Comedy Central Roast, much less a wedding.  Not to mention his fiance's mother is religious.  

While I can't read this speech at the wedding, Zach said nothing about me posting it on my site for my readers to enjoy.  So, ladies and gentleman, here is my Best Man Speech for Zach, in its entirety.  You will see how twisted and inappropriate I am when you read what I wrote, and was perfectly comfortable and ready to say in front of his closest friends and entire family, in the House of God, at his wedding....

 The Speech:

Zach, for future reference, it’s not good church etiquette to tell your Best Man to pull your finger in the middle of your wedding Ceremony.  I thought you wanted the rings at first, but then you started laughing.  When you lifted your leg up and made that “I just farted” face I finally figured out what was going on.…

What can you say about Zach Kittleman that isn't already written on the walls of countless bathrooms in truck stops all over the country?  I’m appalled when I read things like “For a good time, call ZPK?”  Everyone in this room knows that remark isn’t true, cuz no one has ever had a good time hanging out with Zacharias McGillicutty Kittleman Eyonst III.  I mean, his favorite singer is Eddie Money, his vocabulary centers around potty terms and he still collects baseball cards at the age of 35.  It’s like his pimple-faced, horny 15 year-old self still controls his mind. I’m not saying that Zach’s the only nearly anatomically correct male born this Millennium who still lists card collecting as a hobby, but he might be the only one who hasn’t been featured on “To Catch a Predator”, although he has been caught asking many a 12 year-old boy for his address.  However, Zach actually has innocent motives when he goes to Chuck E. Cheese, befriends a 12 year-old boy and asks to come over so they can trade cards.  Everyone else who does that shows up at the kid’s door with a condom and booze.  Zach is armed with just a 1985 Topps Kirby Puckett Card and 3 wax packs. 

I’ve known Zach since I was old enough to wipe my own ass.  Actually, longer, cuz I just learned how to do that three days ago. Thanks for showing me your winning technique, Barnum!  His mom, Sherry, used to babysit me.  I actually remember the day She brought him home from the hospital.  Fred and I were at his house, getting our buzz on off Gerber Snow Peas and Elmer’s Glue, when in walks Sherry with a new son.  I’ll never forget it, as Zach was, by far, the ugliest baby a doctor ever spanked.  I thought his parents had brought home the umbilical by mistakr.  First time I saw Zach feeding, I thought Sherry had accidentally stuffed the bottle up his ass.  Eventually, I warmed up to the little crotch stain and we became good friends.

Growing up, we must have played 1000 games of Tecmo Bowl against each other, but our rivalry was more that of Globetrotters- Generals than it was Yankees- Red Sox, as he lost all but one of those games.  This one blemish only happened because he completed a Hail Mary TD pass to Andre Rison as time expired, giving him a 7-6 win .  It took me 16 years of counseling to get over that loss.  He did fair better in our other game of choice, Bedroom Bunk, aka the Greatest Game ever.  We used to play in my bedroom, and, by the end of the day, our knees always had more rug burn than a hooker after a BJ marathon on astroturf.  It was during these years that I first realized what a good friend I had in Zach.  He did something for me no one else had ever done, trade me 6 Jerry Rice rookies for a bottle of Geratol and a red lifesaver I found behind the toilet.

When we were older, Fred, and later Zach too, would frequently go out for a diet soda or two and discuss our favorite Bible Verses.  The first time Zach ever had a soda in public was with me, it was on Varick Street.  That thick mullet he wore made him look 8 years old, which made it a chore to get him into the bar.  Seriously, what was up with that thing?  You looked like President of the Patrick Swayze Fan Club, except your idea of Dirty Dancing was jamming your hands down your pants while convulsing violently.  Everyone thought he was having a seizure and called the ambulance.  Chip still thinks Zach is a kid from the Make-a-Wish Foundation.  To this day, he sneaks a Valium into every drink he buys.

On a serious note, Zach is the epitome of a best friend.  Despite what he is doing, what time it is or where he is, he is always been there for a friend.  He and his family have helped get me through some rough times and for that I am eternally grateful.  Zach is a hard working, standup, honest man, and any success he has or will achieve is well warranted.  I am so thankful Zach has found such a great partner in Ashley.  She is the Bonnie to his Clyde and she actually fits in great amongst his group of twisted, morally questionable group of friends.  I know she will make a great wife to him for the next 50 years, cuz the Camel Clutch will keep her from slacking off.

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I’d like to end with a short sonnet defining what a true friend is.

Kind-hearted people help you, but only friends will help you move. If what you’re moving is not furniture, but a dead body, then that person is a good friend. If this individual not only helps you carry the body, but also help you chop it up into smaller pieces so It’s easier to transport…that's when you have yourself a true friend.

On that note, everyone raise your glasses and lets toast to the true match made in Heaven…Hookers and Fire trucks...I mean Zach and Ashley!

I obviously went a little too far, there, so I had to clean it up a bit for the wedding.  Watch the final version below.

  

Zach's Best Man Speech 5/26/2012 

I also acted as Best Man one other time, at Zach's brother Fred's wedding back in 2003.  The speech I gave at Fred's wedding got rave reviews and is still talked about often today by those who attended.   I didn't have anything written down for this one, it was completely off the cuff!  You can check that one out below.

Fred's Best Man Speech 8/23/2003

I am very proud of both of them, as I truly love both of these guys, and wanted to deliver a good performance.  Which one do you think is better?