(Not so) Great Britain

What do these individuals all have in common?

Alan Sugar,  Alfred Hitchcock, Andre Previn, Barbara Cartland, Ben Kingsley, Bill Gates, Bob Geldof, Bob Hope, Bono, Christopher Lee, Edmund Hillary, Elton John, George Bush, George Martin, Helen Mirren, Henry Cooper, Ian McKellan, Judi Dench, Kiri Te Kanawa, Mick Jagger, Nick Faldo, Paul McCartney, Ralph Richardson, Roger Moore, Rolf Harris, Ronald Reagan, Rudolph Giuliani, Salman Rushdie, Sean Connery, Terry Practchett, Terry Wogan

Drawing a blank?  OK, add these people to the list:

Agloval, Agravain, Bedivere, Bors, Cador, Dinadan, Erec, Gaheris, Galahad, Galeshin, Gareth, Gawain, Girflet, Guinglain, Hector, Hoel,  Kay, King Arthur, King Baudemagus, King Pellinor, Lamerocke, Lancelot, Lionel, Lucan the Butler, Mordred, Morholt, Palemedes, Perceval, Sagremor, Tristan, Yvain the Bastard

Still clueless?  Well, all of these individuals were Knighted by the English Throne.  Not all were honored by the same person, as, while Queen Elizabeth II is fucking OLD!, she was born at some point in the last 200 years (I think).  Whichever  Monarch  was ruling at the time bestowed onto these individuals the noble honor of Knighthood.  This honor is just a cool title to add to the front of a name nowadays, but it used to mean much more before guns were around.  

Back when England was the big man on campus, ruling over an an Empire on which the Sun never set, the Crown entrusted the safety and reputation of the country and its entire Empire in the hands of these Knights, who were greatly respected and feared warriors.  They had a one-track mind- to protect the crown at all costs.  Many of them died in battle to ensure that England remained the most powerful and influential nation on the planet.  Many - such as Gallahad, Lancelot, Gawain, King Arthur, and the other Knights of the Round Table have been romanticized in folklore and pop culture.  Their legacy as being the biggest badasses of their time is secure and they will be talked about for eternity.This is a far cry from today's list of "Sir's", most of whom have never even ridden a horse other than in a Music Video.  Knights back then carried swords - not microphones; and rode horses, not tour buses. 

What the fuck happened??  Nowadays, the only people the Queen taps with a sword are celebrities, who were anointed this once-great honor as a form of congratulations for doing something that made England proud, like sell a Platinum Record or get interviewed by Barbara Walters.  It's merely a PR stunt.  I would take a group of semi-retarded monkeys wearing British Knight shoes over the current group of British Knight people.

SIr Lancelot is rolling over in his grave .

The United Kingdom, AKA England, AKA Britain, AKA Great Britain, amongst a few other names it has had over the years, was at one-time the biggest bad-ass on the planet.  Around 200 countries, located on every continent but Antarctica, were at one time under British rule.  The Map of one-time British colonies is astounding.  Seemingly the only gaps in their Empire are oceans. Here are some of the countries who, at one point, answered to the English Royal family:

Antigua & Barbuda, Australia, Bahamas, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belize, Botswana, Brunei, Cameroon, Canada, China, Cyprus, Dominica, Fiji, Ghana, Grenada, Guyana, India, Jamaica, Kenya, Kiribati, Lesotho, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Malta, Mauritius, Mozambique, Namibia, Nauru, New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan, Papua New Guinea, Samoa, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Solomons, South Africa, Sri Lanka, St Lucia, St. Kitts, St. Vincent, Swaziland, Tanzania, The Gambia, Tonga, Trinidad, Tuvalu, Uganda, Vanuatu, Zambia, Zimbabwe

Now take a look at the map- its ridiculous!

Try to find an area that didn't fly England's flag- I dare you!

The Sun never set on the British Empire- literally.  They were all-consuming- The undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World!  France was the 2nd most influential country, but England made France their bitches on a regular basis.  Gallahad, Lancelot and the gang made sure England remained on top.  Now? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Of the countries listed, the only one that remains entirely under British rule is the tiny Island of Gibraltor.  To see why all these countries have dissed their one-time Guardian and instead decided to fend for themselves, look no further than the current list of "Knights" who have taken over for the Round Table  posse and declared themselves England's New Honor Guard.  While very talented in their respective fields, these people wouldn't exactly instill fear in the opposition on the fields of battle.  One by one, these and other countries under the British rule saw the dilapidated state of the once invincible English Knights, and wisely decided they could better protect themselves on their own - so they took the English flag off their Capital, wiped their ass with it, and made their own country. 

Imagine if England were attacked today!?  Let's say their bosom buddy America wasn't there to help them because it is now property of China.  If England's military is overrun by the attackers, who would be there to protect it and ensure the Crown isn't forced to bow down to another ruler? England's first and last line of defense has always been the noble knights- they have always been there to protect the King in grave danger.  Can you picture an army of England's finest warriors, consisting of, among others:

Ben Kingsley, Bill Gates, Bono, Elton John, George Bush, Mick Jagger, Nick Faldo, Paul McCartney, Roger Moore, Rudolph Giulianni, Salman Rushdie and Sean Connery





Rudy's "Game face" doesn't exactly
inspire fear in his opponent

...coming at you, microphones/movie scripts/canes/etc. locked in attack position.  Would this intimidate you?  Make you wish you never set foot on England's shore and dared to challenge the Queen's Authority?  Or would it make you fall off your tank laughing, wondering if this was seriously England's finest warriors?  Maybe you would even feel sorry for them and, not wanting to cripple Hollywood icons, you would ditch your tanks and other expensive weapons for more simple accessories that wouldn't hurt these senior citizens as much - like slingshots and shuffle board sticks.  

After 10 only minutes of battle, 8 of the Knights backs went out; 3 more had their plastic hips give, and Rudy Giulianni, the last one standing, got on a bullhorn and started shouting a noun, then a verb, then 911!  over and over again, hoping his "heroism" that day will instill fear ino the attackers and make them retreat.  George Bush took his cue and, rather than fighting, used the rest of his fading energy tp hang up a "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner above the battlefield.

 

While still not William Wallace-like, Sir EJ
has a much better battle-face than Giuliani

After the invaders beat Giulianni with his own bullhorn and throw his battered body on top of his comrades, they will take over England without any casualties - not so much as a hangnail on anyone.  It doesn't really matter who invades, the result will be the same.  My personal preference is if the fast food characters all put their personal differences aside and unite forces for a common cause - fast food world domination!  This will be very convenient, as Fast-Food Nation already has a noble King.  All he will need to do is exchange his paper crown for a much larger one made of gold and diamonds.



Bono and Dubya' team up for the environment went much
smoother than their attempted tag team to save England.