The Nail in The Coffin

…on this world’s slow and painful journey to Hell was recently hammered into place by Satan’s Henchmen over in Social Networking. Shockingly, I am not referring to Twitter- although I am sure Twitter was guilty of pounding the previous 3 nails into Earth’s pine box.  The executioner in question is our beloved Facebook.  Well, it wasn’t totally their fault.  The Garden State will definitely get credited with an assist in the box score of tomorrow’s paper.  Brace yourselves people, because what I am about to tell you might make you want to kill yourselves or others- especially if those others reside in that huge toxic waste dump located just on the other side of the GW Bridge.  There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it...

 

Jersey Shore has become a Facebook Game.

Dude, seriously?  What? How?  Why?  Who?  When?  Where?   How can it be a game when there is nothing even remotely constructive that has ever taken place on that show!  Aren’t games supposed to have objectives?  What can possibly be the objective in this “game”?  To see how tan you can get without burning?  Maybe fold all your laundry in under 20 minutes?  Do players get bonus points if they get so hammered that their stomach has to be pumped?  Maybe participants can earn a bonus round if they lose 2 quarts of blood out their sphincter?  I bet high score gets some sick prize, like maybe they will be allowed to dry their clothes on The Situation’s Abs for a month; Paully D DJ'ing their next birthday and/or after-prom party might also be in the cards.  If this game gets popular enough, MTV and Facebook might pull out all the stops & offer a Grand Prize worthy of a King; an honor I’m sure all Jersey Shore Fans think about- 1 night alone with Snookie!  A romantic and very naughty evening of carnal pleasure with the Bizzarro Winnie Cooper is sure to get so many guys playing the game that Facebook might need to get a bigger server.  Who wouldn’t want this?  If these guys make a good impression, Snookie might even let them suck on her neck, her nipples, maybe even her dick!  Now that’s something to tell the grandkids' about!

I am curious what this game could possibly be about.  The only this “Real World on Meth” Cast does it seems is get blind drunk and make asses of themselves.  The night ends with them bringing local STD enthusiasts home, where they hook up wherever they can find a space that isn't already being fornicated in, whether it be: in a hot tub, a bathroom, a bedroom, a jail cell, a barn, the trunk of a Kia, a Coffin, a Sewage Plant, or  a confession booth at a Church.  They are running out of spaces.  What happens if everyone in cast hooks up on the same night so there is no floor space left? If even the bathtub and kitchen sinks are covered with blood, sweat and vomit?  Where does the last person home have to take their juice box to get down?  There is only 1 place I can think of where they can go, but I doubt MTV would show that.  I mean, filming 2 full grown adults physically crawl inside of  J-Wow’s Grand Canyon-sized pussy, with a 12-pack and handcuffs in tow might not make it through FCC Sensors.  Even if it does, it may seriously upset some people.  

Jersey Shore Cast in a rare sober moment.

 Why would Facebook do this, especially with that show?  Facebook doesn't need a Jersey Shore game because, If you think about it, FB is Jersey Shore.  On Facebook, young adults often spend a weekend night in front of their computer getting shit-faced.  They spend a good portion of the night surfing the book, looking at their friend’s profile pages to see if what they are doing.  As the night gets older and they get drunker, they may check to see if any potential booty calls are still up in hopes of coercing them into some late night fun.  The drunker they get, the hornier they get.  By the end of the night, this loser who nobody wants to fuck might be so shit faced that they completely lose their moral compass and start typing some really fucked up shit; slamming people for denying them their nut, posting really inappropriate and disturbing things on their friend’s pages and, eventually, letting loose on their own page in the form of a status update that might as well be a Suicide Note for their once booming Social Life.  They will get ripped apart by friend’s and be the butt of jokes for weeks, just like the Jersey Shore Cast.  Mike "The Masturbation" is just Mark Zuckerberg with toned abdominal muscles and early stages of skin cancer.

The only differences between FB&JS is that, while the unfortunate Facebooker will be ripped on mercilessly by his friends; shut down by women and be the brunt of many a joke for a few weeks, the only people who make fun of him are the handful of Facebook friends who saw these messages in the few hours they were up before the guy woke up the next day and deleted any trace that they existed before his mom and his boss read them.  Jersey Shore is watched by millions (seriously, how are so many people so easily amused?).

Yet, somehow they have all become celebrities.  They all get mad tail and, I just found out, the main players get $30,000 an episode to basically work out, go tanning, do laundry, party like rock stars and fuck like porn stars.  Not to mention how famous they have become.  I rip on them, but that’s a deal of a lifetime right there.  I guess the joke is on me.