Life's Good?

This post is dedicated to the Designers, Electricians, Engineers and all the other crotch-stains who subject consumers to the worthless piles of shit known as LG Cell phones.  Although I have only used cell phones by this company, I can guarantee you anything they make would be better used as a Christmas tree ornament and/or toilet paper than for the purpose they are selling it for.  I have owned quite a few over the years, and I can’t remember one that lasted more than a few weeks without fucking up somehow.  I distinctly remember returning more than one to the company to be replaced.  I think a few times ATT needed to give me a phone from another maker because LG kept on sending me defective phones.  

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 Let me tell you about my most recent LG phone.  It is not a new phone, but rather it's a phone I got during the tragedy known as the Bush Administration.  This sums up my luck with “Life’s Good” cell phones. Okay 2 years ago I used my last upgrade to get a new LG touchscreen phone.  I don’t conform to society and hate wasting money so I refused to get the iPhone, which was the new “It” phone on the market. 

 

I will now go off on a tangent about the iPhone:

 

In the days before the iPhone came out, thousands of clueless idiots went to their local ATT store to await its arrival.  These crotch-stains actually stood outside, in the rain, all day…and THEN CAMPED OUT ALL NIGHT so they could be the first ones to own this greatest invention since the Blowjob. 

 

The crowd looked like they were in line to get concert tickets to some ridiculous show- like maybe Tupac and Elvis had finally decided to come out of hiding and go on tour together and ATT had some exclusive deal with them to be only place where tickets were sold.  By the looks of some of the crowd sizes, you could have told me that Tupac and Biggie were physically in the store Jell-O-wrestling Elvis and Brad Nowell and I would have believed it.  

 

Fuck that shit!  When I heard what these douche-nozzles were in line for I got violently angry!  I guarantee a good portion of these fucks called into work or school to wait in this line so they could be the first one on their block to own one!   It doesn’t matter what else is happening in the world; you show these people an “edgy”, “new wave” and/or shiny new device and then pound it into their marshmallow-filled heads through advertising that they need this contraption to live, these brain-dead morons will no doubt pull out all the stops to purchase said device.  Without this gadget, people like this believe their life’s are meaningless. Unless they get it, they might as well shoot themselves.

My Piece of Shit LG Cell phone

 I refuse to buy something just because it’s “the newest thing”- especially technology.  Shit, anything electronic that's cutting edge today will be obsolete in old in a few months; obsolete in a few years.  Remember how much the microwave, VCR and CD player were when they first came out?  More than tuition at many colleges.  A few years later they had dropped like 1000% in price.  Now you can buy all 3 for the price of a porno.  The technology in CD players and VCR’s was lapped a few years later, as record/production companies started pushing the next generation of listening/viewing technology on the cattle that keep their stock prices up.  While CD players are still sold, good luck finding a VHS tapes for sale anywhere, except for maybe an antique store, or the video store at a backwoods mountain town.

 

I don’t need internet on my fucking cell phone!  I have 3 laptops and a desktop.  This is bad enough.  I’m not so big a loser that I need to access the world wide web while taking a shit at work via my cell phone, too!  So, since I refused to agree to get a data plan, I couldn’t get the iPhone.  That is why I got the LG touchscreen phone.  Only touchscreen they had that didn’t require data plan.  Only reason I got touchscreen is it was same price as the normal flip and other phones, so I figured I would try it out.

 

And now- Finally, back to my story

 

Round 1- 3 days after I got phone I had it on my desk while working.  I spilled my glass of water on the desk and, before I could react, my phone was consumed by the spillage.  Despite taking it out immediately, the phone short-circuited.  On the screen was the message “LG Emergency Download”.    I took the battery out and placed phone upside down like you’re supposed to do so water would hopefully drain out and phone would work again.  After a day or so, this didn’t work so I pulled out all the stops and put phone in bag of rice hoping the rice would suck out any remaining water.  After 2 more days with no phone, I sucked it up and went to the store to buy a $30 Pay-as-you-go phone.  I figured my LG would work eventually, but I needed to have something in the meantime.  Nope- the LG stayed off for 6 months.  

 

Round 2- At this point I had forgotten about it.  This changed when my POGO phone broke a few days before I was leaving for NYC for the weekend.  I needed some kind of communication device in case my piece of shit American car broke down on the drive down.  Amazingly, the phone worked!  Psyched at my good fortune, I hopped in my car and started the 4 hour trip.  

 

In a perfect example of what is known to my friend’s as “Rob luck”, during the drive I stopped at gas station to get a bottled water.  Once back on the road, I took a sip from the sport bottle then put in on my passenger seat.  A little while later, I reached for the bottle again to take another sip.  I noticed after picking it up that it was almost empty.  Confused, I looked at the passenger seat and saw that the upholstery was soaked.  The water had leaked out.  Normally this would be no big deal as it was just water- not like it would stain.  However, he fact that my newly activated and rejuvenated electronic lifeline was also on the passenger seat got me suddenly very concerned.  I quickly rescued the phone from its precarious position & turned it on.  Sure enough, on the screen was the same "Emergency Download” message as last time.  “Life’s Good” once again brought irony into my life.   I was fucked.  SO, not only couldn’t I quench my thirst but now I couldn’t even call my friend to find out where the hell I was going.  I had to stop at Wal-Mart to get another POGO phone.  I used this phone for next year and a half.  

 

LG's Stats so far: 

2 years owned; 3 days used; 2 water damages...& a partridge in a pear tree.

 

Round 3- I am a very clumsy, absent-minded person sometimes- especially when it comes to things I use every day- like car keys, my wallet and my cell phone.  I was finally eligible for another upgrade a few weeks ago.  This time I was smart and got another brand of phone.  I had this phone only a few weeks when, true to form (and right on schedule), I lost it.  I swear to God my bed ate it, as that’s the last place I used it.  I know my bed ate it because my bed also ate my TV remote.  For last month I have had to watch TV the old-fashioned way- by getting up off my fat ass to change the channel.  

 

After I lost the phone, I once again found myself in a bind.   I waited a week before acting, hoping it would turn up. Of course I was wrong, so I had to scurry around for a cheap replacement.  I was about to admit defeat and buy a 3rd POGO phone, but decided to check on old shit-box LG, which had been chilling in my drawer for 18 months, to see if good things can happen to bad people.

 

To my amazement, the phone worked!  I was psyched, as I thought I had lost everything (my SIM card had all my numbers on it).  Replacing 250+ numbers is a fucking bitch.  It would take months to get some of the numbers back.  I would never get other ones again.  My LG had almost all my contacts saved on it, so I didn’t have to waste weeks of my life inputting phone numbers into a device I was only going to use for a few months.  

 

This happened  a few weeks ago. This past weekend I went out of town to visit friends.  The night before I left, I turned the phone off and put it on the table next to where I slept.  When I woke up the next morning I turned my phone on immediately to see what time it was.

 

Guess what the screen said when I turned it on?!  This time I didn’t even spill water on it.  It just decided to stop working.  Once again LG screwed me over, leaving me in an unfamiliar city with no way to communicate or call for help if something happens on my drive home.  So, once again I'm scrambling for a phone.  

 

I understand phones short-circuit and stop working when wet.  I have fucked up my phones numerous times over the years by getting them wet.  However, without fail, every single one eventually starts working again after a day or so of drying out with no repercussions.  My brother dropped his cell phone in the snow one winter and found it 3 months later after the snow melted.  He let it dry out for 3 days and it worked again. 

To further show how tough and durable good cell phones are, check this out:  I was at a Bill’s game out in Buffalo one winter a few years ago.  I got so shit-faced that day I could have easily been mistaken for a guy with Down’s Syndrome.  I had food all over my shirt, drool all over my face and I couldn’t walk straight.  I also had piss on the front of my pants because I didn’t unzip all the way and I’m pretty sure I shit myself.  I might have even puked, which is a rarity with me.  I don’t know because I was blacked out most of the day.  
 

Anyway, at some point during this episode I lost my cell phone.  I dropped it in the mud and dirt filled slush outside the stadium somewhere.  There was at least a few feet of snow on the ground and the temp was in single digits that day I believe.  When I realized it was gone (on a side note, why do I always lose my phone when out of town), I spent over an hour walking back and forth from Rich Stadium to the parking lot looking for my phone.  I didn’t find it of course.  The fact that I was still so piss drunk I couldn’t see straight I’m sure didn’t help things, but Superman, with his X-Ray vision, couldn’t have found that phone with all the snow, beer, food, garbage, semen, blood and everything else that cluttered the ground after a Bill’s game.  The next day I ordered a replacement phone.   Luckily, I  had insurance this time, so I got exact same phone for $50.

 

In one of the most amazing, inspiring tales of survival I have ever seen, the phone that I lost in Buffalo came back into my life a few months later.  Someone in Buffalo found it and actually turned it in at an ATT Store.  The store then looked up whose phone it was and mailed it to me.   I thought it was a joke at first, but after realizing my good fortune I turned it on and, miraculously, it fucking worked!  Since I had the same phone already, I gave that one to my friend, who used it for the next few years.  Obviously, neither of these were made by LG.  Why the fuck does every other phone work after only a few days of drying out except LG phones.  How is this company still in business?  

 

In closing, I would rather carry around on my person a circa 1975 rotary phone with one of those windy, constantly getting tangled cords than use another LG product   I would sooner communicate using smoke signals for the rest of my life; I would gladly spend thousands of dollars per week paying to have a biplane relay my messages to friends via skywriting; I would even sell all my belongings for the purpose of buying thousands of carrier pigeons that I could use to fly messages to recipients;  I would sooner just stop communicating entirely and spend the rest of my days in my bedroom looking up porn and playing Sudoku than use another LG phone.  Life’s Good my ass!   My life will only be good if the ass clowns who design  those shitty paperweights are beaten down with a bag of their crappy cell phones.  Until that day comes, I will have to live with being had…but I always get the last laugh!