The Alphabet Pageant 2010

In a prime example of the random things that go through my mind on any given day, I got to thinking today what the best letter of the alphabet is.  Not the most popular (S), or the dirtiest (F and U, respectively) - but the coolest.  If letters were actual people, which one would be the bad-ass on the playground, or the one everyone wanted to be friends with.  I'm talking the English alphabet, not the Hebrew, or the Spanish or any other language that has added characters or puts those tricky emphasis or other symbols above the letter.  So, I present to you my analysis of our beloved alphabet, and, with it, my opinion of which letter is the best.

A- I love the letter A.  Besides representing 2 of my 3 initials, it also is a vowel.  Less than 20% of the alphabet (not including "sometimes Y, we'll get to that later though).  I respect things that buck the trend of what's the norm or popular and do their own thing.

Also, it's the first letter; A is a leader.  Obviously a very good one too, because our alphabet has been around for quite awhile and it has absolutely no competition, other than Wingdings Font, but Wingdings is fucking psychotic.  Every try using that font.  WTF do all those symbols mean?  Who uses this?  Seriously!?  I would like to ask them what possible reason this font has for taking up memory on my computer.Fave A words- Ass, Ass clown, Anti-society

B- I like B because 3 words for a woman's chest area start with B, and that's just off the top of my head.  Breast, Bosom, Boobs.  Also, the capital B looks like a pair of breasts.  A lowercase b also kinda looks like the profile of a breast; or the pic of a woman who had breast cancer and had to have 1 removed.  Fave B words- Boobs, Bitch, butt-pirate

C-I hate the letter C.  It's all curvy and feminine; it offers no support for the other letters because it doesn't have any straight lines.  Plus, and worst of all, it's so fake.  C will change the sound it makes at the drop of a hat.  Sometimes its soft like in city; other times its hard (compass, cake, etc).  I won't even get into when it gets together with that flaming bitch H and makes an entirely different sound altogether.  Plus, it kinda looks like an ear, and ears are so boring.  Fuck C.  Fave words- cock, cock sucker- or any word that has cock in it

The Contestants

D-Tall and manly letter.  Offers support for other letters, which is key when it begins a sentence. It resembles a harp, though- which is feminine.  However, if turned upside-down it looks like a mouth laughing, or smiling- which is cool.  Fave words- dick, douchebag 

E- Another vowel, so that's cool.  Also, it’s rebellious because those 3 straight lines almost appear like its pushing the other letters away from it because it wants to be left alone to do its own thing.  Best of all, though is E often gets the last word in.  It frequently ends words because it doesn't like how they decided to form.  E throws itself in there and frequently changes the whole meaning of the word to something it likes.  How can you not love a bad-ass rebel like this?  However, none of my favorite words begin with it, at least off the top of my head.  E is more of a closer- the best closer.  E is the Mariano Rivera of the alphabet.

F- I love F.  When combined with U, these 2 letters make up an entire sentence- blunt, insulting, angry.  The other big swear words can't say this.  People don't say "OS" when they mean Oh, shit!  CS isn't a synonym for Cock-sucker.   F is the only letter that people often use to describe a word it starts.  "THE F WORD, THE F-WORD, F'n A, FU, etc"- Total dominance and notoriety.  The other letters in the word aren't even needed.  It's like a person being known by not one word, like Madonna, Bono, The Edge and some other d-bags pull off somehow; Fuck is known simply by one letter.  That's like Madonna being known simply as M.  Fuck dominates the entire letter.  F is bad-ass.  Don't F with it!

G- Another bitch letter.  All curvy and- like C, it changes its sound frequently

H- I like the 2 tall straight lines, but H is also a bitch because it doesn't even really have a sound.  It's like it’s afraid to speak up and have an identity.  People can make the "Huuuu" sound just exhaling.  Any letter that doesn't even make its user make any effort to make its sound is just a bitch.  Fuck H

I- Another very dominant, unique letter.  Another vowel, so it’s not afraid to be its own individual.  Also, I is only letter in alphabet that actually is its own word.  It's what people say when they are talking about themselves.  This shows that it’s easily the most personal of letters.  That 1 letter/word starts sentences but NEVER ends them.  Actually, hardly any words end in I- this shows that it refuses to be last in anything.  I love I

J- J also doesn't even have a hard sound.  Not as bad as H but still, not very impressive.  It's like it’s trying to be all fancy with that "Ja" sound.  J reminds me of that smelly, annoying French guy at a party that thinks they are better than everyone.  It's not used much because no one ever wants it around.  That being said- J does represent and entire word as well- just like F.  While the F-word is known by all society, J is just known within the pot-smoking community.  Still, J doesn't even need another letter to show its meaning.  Something should be said about that.  Mixed reviews.

K- K is bad ass.  It commands respect.  It's not used much because, like a superhero, it only comes in when it’s needed to save something.  Most of the time it saves C's ass cuz C can't effectively end a word.  Rock, Clock, Fuck, etc.  The C can't close the deal so K needs to come in and put its stamp of approval on the word.  K is also a well-known letter in the sports world, because its slang for a strikeout in baseball.  Considering strike-out doesn't even start with K, this is really bad-ass.  The letter literally hijacked a whole word that it was buried in the middle of and adopted it.  It's like it said "This is too much for you to handle S, you bitch.  Let me take care of it."  I love K

L- No hard sound often needs another L to help it in words.  It's like its not strong enough by itself.  For some reason it also reminds me of some annoying French guy.  BUT, like J, it does represent a word by itself in pot smoking community.  Even more impressive is that Blunt does not even start with the letter.  One more cool thing about L is that it is only letter people use in body language to symbolize something.  People hold up their index finger and stretch their thumb out to the side when they want to symbolize "Loser".  These last few facts get it out of my doghouse/

M- Commands respect because of all the long, straight lines, but- like L, 2 of them often needed in words.  It is one of only letters that signifies an entire feeling, though- 2 actually.  People that go "mmmmmmmmm" are either confused by something, or expressing that something tastes good.  Making that "Mmmmmmmmmmmmm" sound for a long period of time is also a good way to annoy people.  Overall a good letter, but not great.

N- It’s like this letter tried to be an M, but ran out of energy/motivation and just gave up one line short.  It really has no identity.  It doesn’t command the respect letters like K and M do, but it’s also no bitch like C and G.  It's just riding on other letters coattails, satisfied just coasting through life.  No word can really be associated with N, other than that slang term for blacks- The N word.  That just shows to me that this letter is racist.  I hate racists.

O- O is horny.  Plain and simple. "OOOOHHH" is frequently used during sex.  "O-face" is the face people make mid-orgasm.  Orgasm!  There you go.  Often it gets another "O" involved in a word to try and run a train or have orgy with other letters.  Example: hoop, cook, etc.  The letters at the end of those words are getting violated by the "O-Train".

The "Loser" gesture"

P- Mixed reviews.  Nothing to really hate about it, plus it begins great words like pussy and pirate.  Still, doesn't really have identity; it's mysterious.  It's like it has some secret that it doesn't want anyone to know

Q- I hate this letter.  Can't even use it, except for a few really strange words, without the U.  It needs another letter to help it all the time.  It's like its handicapped and requires assistance.  Also, it’s another letter than seems to act all civilized and shit- like it’s better than you or me.  I hate pompous people/letters like that.  Fuck you Q- you retard!

R- My other initial.  Also cool because you add an -E and an -R to most verbs; sometimes you don't even need the -E.  R is like E in that it can change a word.  Not the meaning, but the form of speech.  This is impressive.  Also, 2 of my favorite words begin with it: Rectal prolapse and raging thundercunt.  These, along with assclown and douchebag, are my favorite insult words.

S- No straight lines.  No hard sound.  Frequently joins up with other letters to make strange and/or annoying sounds (tsch, sch, etc)?  The most common letter in language.  Shows it is very popular.  Also shows it is not very picky in terms of the crowd it associates itself with.  This popularity tells me that it just wants to be liked.  Also, when combined with H it makes the most annoying phrase in language.  Have you ever been SSHHHHH'd?  Don't you always wanna punch the d-bag who says that to you?  Bottom line is I can’t respect a letter that has no pride or dignity.

T- 2nd most popular letter, but also commands power.  Starts words more often than not, which shows that it’s a leader.  T is also more picky than S, and it has a hard sound that requires a little tongue movement.  T is like the Ferris Bueller of the Alphabet- Everyone loves it.  They all think it’s a righteous dude!  Still, it has massive over-exposure.  The winner of the Alphabet Pageant can't have too much face-time until after they win.  T doesn't need the popularity boost, so I doubt it will make the finals.

U- When combined with its partner in crime F, they make up the most feared letters in the alphabet.  They are the schoolyard bullies.  U is also one of those letters who only comes around when its needed.  Plus, it’s very father-like; it’s been taking care of Q its entire life; plugging Q into the alphabet social scene when otherwise it would be at home crying on what a loser it is.  It reminds me of that cool, mysterious foreign dude who everyone loves, and fears.  Rumors are always spread about U, saying it went to prison for killing a man.  U loves this; it feeds off them.  I love U!  Haha, that’s another great phrase.

V- Used in cool words like Vendetta, Vagina, etc.  It’s also mysterious and not used much.  No hard sound, but not really soft, either.  I think of V as the hot chick that all the other letters wanna bone.

W- W is a bitch.  It's so unoriginal that even its name is copying another letter.  Double-u- so beat!  Plus, it’s by far the most annoying letter.  All the question words (who, what, why, when, where) begin with it.  W is the letter who always asks a million questions about everything, annoying the piss out of you.  If you watch a movie with it, it will be asking "what's going on?, why are they chasing him?, and a million other questions the entire time.  All the other letters hate W- they only tolerate it because it's U's cousin.

X-  Bad-ass and anti-society.  Also used to show something’s been done and, hence is no use to you anymore.  Also used for words you change.  It's almost like X is a hitman- killing off those words/tasks/letters/people/etc who you don't want around anymore.  X rocks!

Y- The word itself is a question.  I hate that.  Plus, it throws itself at the end of words frequently to make new, annoying words  like "that guy has a lot of muscles; he's muscly" and other terms like that.  Also, and the worst flaw-y can't make up its mind about ANYTHING.  It doesn’t even know if it’s a consonant or vowel.  Sometimes it’s a vowel, but most of the time it’s not.  Fuck Y, always trying to confuse us and make us feel stupid.

Z- Powerful, commands respect.  Its also mysterious.  People whose last name begins with Z are often referred to as simply "Z".  Shows it’s loved, and everyone wants to be part of its life.  Z doesn’t make an appearance much in words, only.  Most of the time its banging V, or running a train on those other bitch letter.  Also, Z ends the alphabet.  Any strong team needs a good anchor man.  Z makes sure any unwanted letters or anything else, break in and mess up their mojo.

The Finalists:

A- The leader

E- The rebel

F-The bad ass

K- The closer

U-The father-figure

V-The hot chick

X-The Hitman-Too much risk.  X is used to knocking other letters/words out.  It’s a loose cannon.  "X" out the wrong thing and it’s a lot of bad press for the alphabet.  No one wants bad press

Z- The mystery

Top 3 (Descending order)

3rd Place- F- F You!!! Can be taken to mean the whole alphabet is pissed off.  For first contest, need to go with a letter not as associated with the "King of Cuss Words"

2nd Place- A- A true, born leader, yet not quite as noble of the prize as Z.  Already has tons of notoriety (Everyone knows their ABC's; not XYZ's).  Even with sentimental value, I can't deny Z's combination of power, mystery and support.

THE WINNER:

The Winner

-I wish my last name began with it.  It's the last letter of alphabet, so it’s the last one you see in dictionary, encyclopedia or anything else listed alphabetically.  Not over-exposed, yet not one letter can say anything bad about it.  It's accepted being last in line all these years- it’s about time it was rewarded for its patience.  Congratulations, Z- You are Mr. Alphabet 2010!

                                             

Some Cool Z words:  Zombie, Zigzag, Zillion, Zodiac, Zucchini, Zeppelin, Zany, Zinc, Zen, Zap, Zeitgeist, Zephyr, Zero, Zenith

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