Battle Royale...with Cheese

It was Halloween 1999, and my fraternity was having its semi-annual date party.  Once a semester, all the brothers’ chip in $25, and then get all dressed up in their Sunday best; bring their girlfriend, mistress or other girl they intend on sodomizing, then party like it’s their last day on Earth.  Whenever Klan Alpine had date parties, the rest of campus would know, either by seeing us half-naked at the bar later, or by reading the police blotter the next day.  They were LEGENDARY!

Figure 30 brothers on average, each chipping in $25; that’s $750 worth of booze…for 50-60 people.  In layman’s terms, that’s over a bottle per person.  While some of the women could hold their own with a drink in front of them, the majority were lightweights.  The brothers were more than willing to pick up the slack, though; we would always defile ourselves, setting a new bar for debauchery each time.   This description I have given you is for normal, run of the mill date parties.  When these rare formal occasions happen to occur on a Holiday, much less Halloween, things tend to get much nuttier!  This was no exception.  This particular date party resulted in a night of debauchery that I will not soon forget.  Once the case is officially closed by the Alfred PD, I will be able to share it with my grand kids when I’m a crusty old man.

Over at KA, we loved Halloween.  Every year each of us would get dressed up.  Some people say it’s a childish holiday, designed for kids under 12.  I say fuck those people.  Halloween is more of an adult holiday than it is kids.  Yeah, they might go out trick-or-treating and get tons of candy, but kids don’t get to experience the best part about Halloween- the parties.  Only at Halloween parties can one get to see surreal events such as: Chewbacca and Spiderman smoking a hookah with the Lone Ranger and Madonna; Babe Ruth doing a beer funnel being held by Bugs Bunny; Bill Gates sniffing lines of blow off Minnie Mouse; or even the a Priest fornicating with Jessica Rabbit in the bathtub while 3 Oompa Loompa’s stand guard at the door to make sure Roger doesn’t walk in.  It is for these, and many other, reasons that I love Halloween.

The year hasn't been kind
to this baby.

At the date party, all the brothers are very much in the spirit of the holiday, as all are dressed up, as are their dates.  The costumes range from Robin Hood to Wolverine to an assortment of popular food mascots.  I must say though that I take the cake dressed as the New Years Baby.  Like every date party past, present and future, we all defile ourselves for 5 hours at the house.  Whoever is left standing always ends up at GJ’s.  This particular date party had more than the normal amount of “survivors”, as 8 of us made it to the bar.  We still drank all the liquor; it’s just that this new generation of brothers had an inhuman tolerance to alcohol.  It’s like our livers had evolved faster than the rest of humanities. 

Now I say we made it down to the bar; I didn’t say we had any business going to the bar.  We should have stayed home and passed out, as we were all either drooling on ourselves; stumbling over our feet with every step; or slurring our words.  Most of us were doing all three of these activities.  Nevertheless, we made it.  We kept drinking at the bar, cuz, seriously, we ran that place; no one would ever cut us off.  Nothing exciting happened until we were there about an hour; like 1 AM.  At this point, one of our younger, excitable brothers, Zeke, who was ALWAYS looking for a fight, starts talking shit to this random dude in the bar.  He attempts to pick a fight with the guy, saying this dude spilled beer on his new shoes.  Now Zeke is so FUBAR at this point someone could have pissed on his shoes right in front of him and he wouldn’t have known.  The guy, who is dressed up as a Vampire, shrugs it off and attempts to walk by.  Zeke won’t let him, though.  All fired up, this crazy mofo I call brother will literally not accept anything but a throw down at this point.  At some point during his conversation with this poor kid, Zeke gathers that the dude is a brother at another house.  With this piece of information, he finally lets the dude go to the bathroom, then comes over to us in our corner of the bar and tells us that we need to raid the kid’s fraternity house because they started with him.  Most of us there were brawlers without adding beer muscles to the equation, so this seemed like a good idea.  We gathered all the KA brothers in the bar; a few of whom were passed out- either on bar stools, a booth, or leaning against the urinal, and started our trek to the frat house.  Now we were all still in full costume, mind you. 

It was like a parade down Main Street- We had Zorro, Robin Hood, The New Years Baby, the Hamburglar, McDonald’s French Fries, the Big Mac AND Grimace.  Bringing up the rear was a big, fat, 300 lb. Yellow M&M that went by the name of PCP.  For anyone watching, they must have thought the Macy’s Parade had come to Alfred.  Wasted beyond all recognition and bumping into everything we passed, we stumbled on.  The frat house was right smack dab in the middle of town, on Main Street.  Cops drove by the house probably every 10 minutes or so.  So, in addition to all the other reasons this wasn’t the smartest thing to do, add that little tidbit in as well.

The KA Parade stormed right up their front lawn, kicked in the door and stormed the place like we were DEA Agents busting a cocaine-manufacturing plant.  The first guy that we saw, who was in costume as a Gynecologist; w got a stiff right to the jaw for his trouble, compliments of the Hamburglar.  After that, complete Mayhem broke out.  Before all of us were even in the house there was a Royal Rumble going on inside.  The house was full of KA brothers.  I think every brother they had must have been there.  The rest of us who tried to get inside were met by a barrage of pissed off dudes, who were all brothers at that house.  They took the fight to the porch.  We had the Hamburglar, Zorro, Robin Hood and the M&M beating on guys inside; and the Big Mac, New Years Baby, Grimace and the M&M laying out bodies outside.  People driving by had quite a show.  They got to see the New Year’s Baby deliver an uppercut to a Cheerleader, knocking him (her?) right off the porch.  The Large Fry clothes-lined Superman, knocking him into Colonel Sanders.  The Big Mac and Grimace, despite being outnumbered, were holding their own against all four members of the village people.  The Big Mac took a stiff left from the Indian, and was left vulnerable.  The Indian wound up, and was about to knock his crown off, literally, when a bloody torso came flying through the front window; shattering glass everywhere.  The Yellow M&M walked through the new opening in the wall, stepping over the glass.  The Indian turned, and punched him in the face.  PCP, feeling no pain at this point, just shrugged it off.  He just grabbed the Indian by hair and threw him up against the wall, then wound up and clocked him square in the nose.  300 lb. of drunken force shattered the guys face.  Blood was EVERYWHERE! including PCP’s hand.  Seeing the broken bodies on the ground, and seeing our exhibition was starting to gather quite a large audience, we decided we had better get out of there before the cops come.  So, we gathered the 8 of us, and stormed out of there as fast as we could.  We walked all the way home, a parade of brave warriors, on their way home from what might as well have been the Battle to Save Toon Town.  None of us had any injuries- except the M&M.  He was dragging ass a bit that walk home.  This is understandable, considering he broke his hand on that guys’ face.  The whole way home, he walked with one huge white glove at his waist, the other white glove elevated; tilting down towards his chest…covered in blood.  It’s amazing none of us got arrested that day.  I wish someone had taped that fight, because I guarantee I could have made a fortune selling copies of it.  It is, and always will be, one of the craziest, most random times of my life.