True Friends

Many people never have a true best friend in their entire life. I am fortunate enough to have had 4 people who have proved their loyalty to me time and time again. There is an old saying regarding friendship that goes "Friends help you move, but only true friends help you move bodies". While this is true, it doesn't adequately describe the limits of what a true friend will do for his or her heterosexual soulmate. I took it upon myself to add on to that quote, with the intent of describing what a true friend is willing to; or has done-in order to protect, save, or cover for the person he or she calls their best friend. With that, here is the new and improved, 21st Century version of what a true friend is supposed to stand for:"Kind-hearted people help you; but only friends will help you move. If what you’re moving is not furniture, but a body, then that person is a good friend. If this individual not only helps you carry the body, but also help you chop it up into smaller pieces so It’s easier to transport…that's when you have yourself a true friend."

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There, that's better. That's describes a very unusual, repulsive, and illegal activity that only the closest of friends would agree to do for you. If true friends had a mission statement, that would definitely be on there. So would these...

True friends will lie to the cops as to your whereabouts. They would ditch their jobs and families at the drop of a hat to smuggle you across the border so you can start a new life in South America. Once there, true friends won't leave you until you are completely settled in, with an apartment, a job, and a copy of the local bus schedule so you can get to work.

True friends are true jack-of-all trades. They are always willing to play wingman, will be up for a beer at any time on 5 minutes notice, and have a spare bedroom in their house for your use at any time. True friends will go along with any story you concoct, and lie their ass off to get you out of trouble; whether it’s to a cop, your boss, your spouse, your parents, your kids, other friends, or even your Priest.

True friends will act as personal references...or even your previous employers on any job application you fill out. Their review of you will be so good it will make the prospective employer think that you are the second coming of Christ. If you put them down as a previous employer because none of your old employers would ever give you a good reference because every boss you ever worked for ended your employment by having you escorted out by security, your friend will be there for you. They will provide the most glowing review in the history of W-2 forms. This true friend will make you out to be such a model, productive, hard working employee that the HR person on the phone with him will actually start masturbating to your amazing work ethic. They will be so impressed with your supposed experience, leadership ability, skill set and amazing leadership ability that they will offer you THEIR job!

True friends get drunk with you off champagne in the best of times...and get drunk with you off beer or liquor in the worst of times. They are quick to bust your balls about a mishap, but even quicker to beat the ass of someone you aren't friends with if they bust your balls for the same thing.

True friends congratulate you for a job well done, always remember your birthday, remind you of your family members' birthdays, and would not think of going on vacation somewhere unless you came along.

True friends are always there for advice about anything, no matter how petty, or personal it is. True friends know you better than you know yourself. They push you to succeed in something you don't think you can do, and are as proud when you accomplish it as you are., True friends are people you can't picture living without. If you are hurt, a true friend will carry you by themselves, in a blizzard, in bare feet, across a mile of broken glass, through a septic tank AND a grease fire; then, with you on their back, they will storm across the Sahara Desert, then part the Red Sea so they can get you to a hospital. Once inside, they will carry you up a down escalator, walk across a slippery just-mopped floor and get you into a bed. If the Receptionist tries to stop them, your buddy will snap their neck and round-house kick them through the desert tray that a cafeteria worker is pushing through the hall. If the doctor refuses to help you because you don't have insurance, this true friend will look at that doctor with such an evil stare that he will have a religious experience, then shit his pants...twice. He will be so intimidated and scared for his life that he will fix you up for free; then give you his car, his wallet...and his daughter so you can get home.

A true friend will rip you apart in their Best Man or Maid of Honor Speech, but also provide such glowing measures of your character thet the whole room will be crying. When a true friend eventually leaves you in death, you feel as if your arms have been ripped off and are now left helpless to fend off all the evils in this world by yourself. At their funeral, you give such a stirring, heart-warming eulogy that Jesus himself comes to life out of the plate-glass window and sits down in the pew to take notes. When a true friend dies, you die. You spend the rest of your life reminiscing about the good times, checking facebook, watching Soap Operas, and complaining about how McDonalds didn't take the pickle off your cheeseburger when you specifically requested no pickle!

Dave Park.....YOU were a true friend!!! I was blessed to know you, and consider you one of my best friends for 23 years. For that, I am eternally grateful. I know you’re watching over me, and, eventually, I will make you proud of me. You believed in me more than I did all through life, and I will be damned if I just wilter away and die without doing anything. Doing this will make you wrong about me! YOU ARE NEVER WRONG! Never were, never will be. For the true friends who are still residing in this existence, I thank you for all you have ever done for me! So, by name- Thank you Fred Kittleman, Zach Kittleman and Chris Zanghi. Combined I have known you guys 69 years. You have all made my life much better. Here's to another 69! Hahaha!, I said 69.

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I was the Best Man at both Fred & Zach's wedding

Chris and I are a force to be reckoned with..

Dave and I at Sugarhill Gang Show in 2009.  Sadly, this was one of the last times we ever hung out.