Chuck Norris is the Fucking Man!

Your only alive because he allows it

The Man, The Myth - Meet the LEGEND!

One of my heroes in life is Chuck Norris.  My other heroes were Notorious BIG, Superman, Chris Farley, John Belushi, George Carlin and Burt Reynolds...and we all know what happened to them!  They're all dead...at the hands of Chuck Norris.

What's that you say?  Burt Reynolds is still alive?  No, he's not.  That is body double you see.  Burt is dead, killed by Chuck.  Norris just hasn't eaten him yet, so he continues to let the world think he is still alive. 

RIP Burt- Your mustache legacy will live forever

Chuck killed Burt a few days ago.  Reynolds pissed Chuck off when he forgot to pick him 3 bear claws before coming over to Norris' cave.  Not bear claws from Dunkin Donuts, mind you, but rather from the forest.  Chuck Norris likes to munch on Grizzly bear claws when he entertains company.  Chuck was holding a meeting of "The 5 Coolest People in the World" (Chuck Norris doesn't need a catchy name) to discuss World Domination.  Burt is was a member of this very exclusive club, as are Mr. T, Roddy Piper, and William Shatner.  The Bilderburg group, who most believe control all the world power, are merely the Administrative Assistants of Chuck and the other 4.  Anyway, Burt was in a hurry and forgot the bear claws.  Chuck keeps them in a meat locker to keep them fresh.  You know this meat locker as Buffalo.  When Chuck discovered that Burt came empty handed, he first ripped his mustache off, then kicked him in the groin so hard that his penis shot back up into his body, and physically turned into a vagina.  Chuck then raped him, ripped his arms off and beat Burt with them until he stopped moving.  After scalping him, Chuck cut his Burt's ears off to add to his human ear necklace, which he wears on special occasions.  Finally, Chuck ripped Burt's head off and stuffed it (Chuck does his own taxidermy), then displayed it above his fireplace next to all the other heads of his victims.  He is in the mustached section, between Hitler, Albert Einstein and Salvador Dali.  Needless to say, his posse is now called "The 4 Coolest People in the World".  

The other 3 members of Norris' Gang of Alpha Males.  With Burt's tragic death, Chuck might be looking for a replacement.

Anyway, when reporting the deaths of my heroes listed above, the media, like they often do, lied to the American Public in terms of the causes of their respective deaths.  The truth is that Chuck Norris stubbed his toe while walking up the paths to the houses of each of these people.  Chuck Norris HATES stubbing his toe!!!!!   He was going to see them to collect his monthly ninja protection money, like he does every month.  Everyone that is still alive pays Chuck Norris ninja protection money.  If you say you don't, you do!  You just may not know it.  If you have any bills whatsoever, you pay Chuck Norris for ninja protection.  The banks charge you for it on any loan or credit card you have..it's called interest.  It's called interest because it's in your best interest to pay it, or else Chuck Norris will come looking for you. 

Each time, after Chuck stubbed his toe, he got so got so mad that he roundhouse kicked the homeowner in the face, knocking their head clean off.  Knowing that the entire world pays Chuck Norris for his ninja protection, the media outlets didn't want to report the truth because then everyone would be running out to Home Depot to buy T-Squares and building supplies to make sure their steps in case Chuck paid them a visit.  All these people out at once would cause massive gridlock on every road in the world!  This would result in massive deaths and rioting on a large scale...not to mention it would piss Chuck Norris off.  Chuck Norris gets pissed when someone other than him kills.  It's like spitting in his face.  For every murder in he world, Chuck Norris kills 5 people...and the person who murdered.  Only Chuck Norris can play God!  That's also the reason your kid doesn't look like you...only Chuck Norris can father a child!

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