Taking a bite out of crime.

Born and raised on the mean streets of Utica, NY, I grew up solving problems with my fists. After graduating Magna Cum Laude from Oxford, I put my aspirations of becoming a Physicist and solving the mystery that is the space-time continuum on hold to become an MMA fighter.

I won the Heavyweight Championship in 2004, but was kicked out of UFC for punching a man so hard his head fell off. Needing a new career, I decided to use my exposure and notoriety as a fighter and pursue acting. Although I performed in numerous plays, movies & TV shows, my biggest success was as an actor in midget porn. I acted in these films for 4 years, and became a very wealthy man. As happens to caring, wealthy people, I was not satisfied spending my days banging hot women and swimming in my money bin, I wanted to make a difference in the world. A few months ago, I was sitting at home, eating a Hot Pocket and watching Great American Hero reruns, pondering what to do with my life. After stuffing an entire Hot Pocket, a slice of pizza and an entire jar of pickles in my mouth, then chewing and swallowing them all in under 10 seconds, it hit me! I realized that I needed to use this ability to masticate faster than a speeding bullet to protect those people who weren’t blessed with powerful jaws. I grabbed some sweat pants, threw on an old McDonalds crew shirt, then ripped off my kitchen tablecloth to use as a cape. To complete my ensemble I stuffed a dish rag down my shirt to act as a bib. I slipped on my Crocs and slipped out the door to start my life as a Superhero. I have been keeping the streets safe from choking victims and slow eaters for the last year now. I am currently in the Himalayan Mountains, further honing my craft under the tutelage of Joey Chestnut’s 2nd cousins college roommate’s barber’s ex-wife’s mechanic’s nephew. My goal is to be the best, fastest masticater in the world. I will not rest until the world is safe from smackers, druellers and slow chewers, or, as I call them, masticater-haters!! Fear not people, I am here for you!

To see me in Action and learn more about this great hero via picture slideshow, CLICK HERE.