Not for the easily grossed out!

Whenever I am on the phone with my good friends, and they ask me what I’m doing, I always tell them I’m masturbating. I do this for two reasons. 1) cuz I like to fuck with them and make them feel uncomfortable as much as possible... and I masturbate entirely too much, like its bad. They say the avg man thinks about sex every 10 seconds or so, well, I think about sex every 5. Unlike most men, however, I do something about it. I dont care if I’m lying in bed, watching tv on the couch, taking a shit, driving or even at work. I will beat off ANYWHERE! I am terrified I will either run out of sperm or I cum so many times that by the time im 40 that I turn gay cuz tits just don’t do it for me anymore. I pray to god this does not happen.

 2) most of the time I am masturbating right before I talk to them.

I have beaten off at least once to pretty much every girl I ever talked to I think, and some I didn’t. movie stars? check! musicians? check! Sister’s friends? check! classmates and co-workers? double-check! about the only thing missing is fictional cartoon characters from my orgy of loserness. I actually dont even wanna have sex anymore cuz im afraid the girl will do it wrong! My little man likes things to go a certain way and I dont want anyone fucking that up. I swear to god, I think I am destined to become a monk. Now, begone with you. I have to go beat off to Jessica Rabbit.