...Straight to Hell!

Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I have done some pretty shitty things in my life, too many too count. I will share with you two of the worst things. Why am I doing this? I really don't know. I guess I just feel like writing something, and I am taking a break from typing my movie.

Both of these events involve me calling out to work when I wasn't really sick. You may say, "so what, everyone plays hooky every once in awhile." True, but not everyone calls into work cuz they are hung over as fuck. Not everyone uses the reason that their grandmother died for an excuse. To clinch my spot in hell, not everyone actually takes the next two days off after that as well, for "grieving". True, it was a shitty job in a Verizon call center, but still. Actually, my performance that day was impressive, I must say. I started balling in work, no joke, crying my eyes out. They sent me home and then actually PAID me for the 3 days I missed. Yeah, I'm evil. I would say, though, that that is not even my best performance.

A few years earlier, I had two jobs. I was a waiter at Applebee’s, and I was a bartender in Scarsdale. One day I was scheduled to work my job at Applebee’s, but my boss at the bar wanted me to come and work, too. Since I was going to make much more bartending than I would have at Applebee’s, I called in at Applebee’s so I could bartend. The reason I gave...of course, my grandmother died. My boss at Applebee’s actually had the nerve to tell me to bring in an Obituary, like he didn't believe me, that asshole. Who would lie about something like that!! Anyway, I reluctantly agreed and went into work at the bar. Faced with a problem of coming up with a dead gramma (both of mine had already died long before, so it’s not like I was asking for karma, I’m smarter than that!).  I spent my shift at the bar doing what anyone in my situation would do...combing the obituaries in the local paper for someone who could pass as my grandmother.

It was tricky, cuz I had to find an obit that did not list the names of the surviving relatives. I was hoping to find one with the last name Anderson, but I wasn’t picky. I could just say it was my mother's mother. Anyway, after an hour of intense searching, I found one that worked. The obit stated that the deceased woman was survived by a daughter and 3 grandkids. No names were mentioned. “We have a winner” I said, excitedly! I cut it out and gave it to my boss at Applebee’s. If I didn’t do what I did, I would have definitely gotten fired that day...instead of getting fired 3 weeks later! Rest in Peace Rose McGowan, you will be missed!