My perfect day

...I wake up on my perfect day fresh off 9 hours off REM-heavy, un-interrupted sleep to find a short, very busty Asian girl riding me like she's in the Rodeo Championships.  After three hours of headboard banging, crazy, kinky sex where we go through the whole Kama Sutra....twice, the Asian puts on an apron- just an apron mind you, and joins the sexy Latina housekeeper in the kitchen, where, in between intense make out sessions, they proceed to cook me breakfast. 

I read the newspaper, which, amazingly only contains good news...and the funny pages.  The Far Side is back in the funny pages on this day, too.  I eat my breakfast while I watch the breathtaking view of an unsettled, uncorrupted natural forest filled with wildlife of all kinds roaming around and playing.

 A natural stream can be heard right below me.  Its tranquil sound, along with the peaceful sound of all the birds chirping, relaxes me as I eat.  After the girls are done cooking and cleaning up the kitchen, they crawl underneath the table and give my little guy some mouth to mouth resuscitation while I finish my eggs and sausage.  After spunking on their faces, I go in to take a shower and both of them follow me in there.  They wash me from head to toe, and this turns into a 2 hour shower bang where I take turns nailing them against the shower door.  I go in my room to change, and then let out a loud, vibrating 30 second fart that changes tune 4 times and smells so bad it kills my fish.  I go out into the living room and turn on the TV to find a Kings of Standup marathon, featuring Carlin, Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, and Richard Pryor.  I pour myself a nice, stiff So Co and Diet and roll up a blunt as I watch TV.  I get a phone call from The Onion- who want me to work for them.  

Working at The Onion would be a dream come true!

 Just when I don’t think I can get any happier, Adam Sandler, Bill Maher, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Matt Damon, Kevin Smith, Justin Timberlake, Derek Jeter and Edward Norton come over.  Kevin Smith looks over my script and agrees to pick it up for his next project.  Conan wants me to come work for him as another sidekick.  Edward Norton gives me some acting pointers.  The other people all offer me advice on their respective trades.  Adam Sandler and Jon Stewart make calls to their contacts and get me a job as the newest Comedy Central Roaster.  A 1 Hour Comedy Special is also put on the table for me.  

My Dream Dinner Party

 After the business is over with, it's pleasure time!  DJ and JT show us naked pictures of all the girls they boned, then we  proceed to get drunk and crazy high.  Sandler tells some Farley stories and then we all go back and forth in a very stimulating, informational, hilarious 2 hour conversation and then I call my best friends and family over for a barbecue.  We cook burgers on the grill while we play catch with a baseball, play whiffel ball home run derby and have some crazy fun. Every hour or so, I sneak inside to get a blowjob from both of the girls.  

When everyone takes off, I sit down and have a very inspired, 4-hour writing session-where I finish 2 scripts and countless stories I have had on back burner for years.  I have another threesome with my paid help, then sit down on my couch and read for another hour or so.  Then I go into the bathroom and take a nice 45 minute long dump in which both my legs fall asleep twice.  I finish my book in there, and then call the girls in, where they proceed to give me a double blumpkin.  I win 2 Poker Tournaments online, then go to bed, where I watch the baseball scene in The Naked Gun! as I get a  blowjob and fall asleep.

Now, to go to the other extreme- check out MY PERSONAL HELL.