Problems with the Gym!

I try and go to the gym, I really do. But will someone please tell me, why is there no fucking reading material printed after the year 1994 there? I was on the treadmill the other day, reading about the Gulf War. It wasn't until page 3 of the article when I realized it was the first Gulf War. I was reading a fucking Newsweek from 1991.Even my shrink has more recent shit than that. The last thing I wanna do is read about a time when I was skinny, popular and getting ass on a regular basis... no wonder why I'm depressed every time I go there. I used to think it was just because my gut sticks out so far I havent been able to see my penis since the Reagan administration. Maybe I should just donate my body to science and use the money to buy a decent hairpiece and a colostomy bag. But seriously, Im buying $40 a month to basically run in place for 30 minutes 3 times a week. Where the fuck does all my money go? Can't they use $15 and buy a subscription to Vogue or Field and Stream...Seventeen...Twenty-first Century Lesbian....SOMETHING?!

Ever go to one of those gyms that serve food? After a workout, people buy like a steak sandwich or some shit and chill out at the table. Don't you think it would be a good idea to not have prices next to the food on the menu, but how many minutes on the treadmill you would need to burn off those calories. That way, people would know where they stood. If they just worked out for 45 minutes, and then had a philly cheese-steak and a chocolate shake, they would know that they need to get right back on that treadmill for about 6 hours to break even. Why not save time, and suck down that cheese-steak and shake while ON the treadmill? Like, have a cafeteria tray on the front of the machine, so people can stuff their face as they jog at a 10 degree incline. Thats not sweat pouring down their chest, its grease!!!
 

I do find it absolutely hilarious when people are running full speed on the treadmill, yet are still gripping the hand rails. It just looks so awkward. It looks like they are speed-grocery shopping or are a contestant on that Game Show Supermarket Sweep! I expect them to take their hand off the bar for a second and reach for an imaginary item on the shelf.

Another thing I do hate about the gym is swamp ass. What is swamp ass, you ask? Its when your lifting, and all the sweat drips from your hair, down your back, into your shorts and then nestles itself in your grundle, like beavers in a dam. The sweat accumulates, and mixes with all those dingleberries and feces sediments around your ass, until it starts to stink.....real bad! Eventually, after about half an hour of hardcore lifting, you begin to smell worse than Sex Panther Cologne. You smell like Bigfoot's dick....after he has fucked Courtney Love...while she's on the rag. Eventually, you get so fucking paranoid that everyone in the gym smells you. You notice that, despite the fact the gym is packed, no one is within 20 feet of you. You have to run to the bathroom and wipe your ass after every set, then douse your nuts with baby powder just to prevent getting arrested for poisoning the environment. After you leave, everyone has to leave the gym so the equipment can be quarantined and vaccinated. My membership has been revoked from 6 gyms because of that.