Don't Read This Out Loud! (You will get struck by lightning)

OK, this one might be the most evil, twisted blog yet. Here it goes:

I have never been one about religion. People take it WAY too serious, hence all the problems in the Middle East. I have special hatred for the Catholic denomination. The Priests rape little boys; the Vatican turned a blind eye to: Priests molesting children, the Holocaust, and countless other scandals. In addition, Catholic Missionaries slaughtered millions of people in Europe, Asia and Africa during the Crusades simply for refusing to convert to Catholicism. What really pisses me off, though, is

that the religion is so hypocritical. Thou shall not kill", 1 of the 10 "Rules from God" that Moses supposedly brought down from Mt. Sinai all those years ago, should be immediately followed by the phrase "Unless it’s to spread thy name". Before modern times, almost every single war throughout history was caused by differences of religion; even those wars that were for territorial growth involved converting the religion of the conquered people."

I consider myself an agnostic. I know there is some higher being, but I am not sure who it is. Like this week, for instance, I am worshiping Burt Reynolds. Who's to say he’s not God? I pray to him as much as I pray to God, and both of them answer my prayers at the same 25% rate. One of these days I wanna sit down and study all the religions, and commit to one. I find it amusing that a good portion of millions of people's lives involve worshiping a man in the sky, who died two-thousand years ago. What relevance does his life have to today's world? I admit, I never read the Bible, but I went to church today. Hearing the Priest tell all these Bible stories to their congregation makes me roll my eyes.  To me, it’s no different than if they were reading a book of fairy tales. In my opinion, both these collections of Tales are purely for amusement.  They are nothing but bed-time stories you would tell to a whining kid to make him go to sleep.

I watched something on the History Channel yesterday. It was about whether or not Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, some French broad. There was also discussion on whether he had children or not. This show was very interesting. There is evidence that he did, indeed, have children and was married. I believe this is true.

OK, here's where it gets REAL BAD....

I mean, Jesus was what, 33 when he died. Do you honestly think he was a virgin?  I mean, even the most homely looking rejects get lucky every once in awhile, and Jesus was an attractive, muscular man. Not to mention he looked like a hippie, and you know how hippies are all about free love. Janis Joplin was ugly as shit, but she was probably with a few hundred guys in her short life. One of my friends knows someone who boned her.

But the main reason I say he wasn't a virgin is because, HELLO!!!!,  he was the MESSIAH! Dude, if rock stars always get prime tail just for singing a fucking song, imagine how much Jesus could have gotten. I mean, he saved the human race. He was the son of God. I don’t know one person, man or woman, who would not wanna sleep with him just to say they slept with the son of God. Christ, I would sleep with Oprah, just to say I slept with the talk show queen. Oprah has a following of a few million. JC has a following of almost a billion!! Wu-Tang Clan used to have big orgies backstage at their shows. Do you think Alpha Omega Jr. and his apostles used to do the same in their tents after preaching the gospel?  I bet they had roadies.  I bet there were girls back then called dimes...which mean they had slept with 10 Apostles. Judas was a man-whore I bet. He was the Ole' Dirty Bastard of the Apostles.

After chilling with JC, these 3 became wise to the pussy as well.

OK, I’m actually scared that I’m gonna get struck by lightning now, and I suddenly feel a tightness in my chest....so I'm gonna stop now. I mean, I respect Jesus for what he supposedly did, but I'm still critical. Why are some people so lucky and prosperous, while others are starving, die young, sickly, etc?  Shouldn’t everyone be given equal opportunity?  I just like to make light of this topic, considering how serious some people are about it. JC, please don't kill me; it was all in good fun. You’re still the man; I just don’t conform to society, and like to raise important issues like this.