(Miami) VICES!

I am a huge partier! I find something I’m good at and I stick with it. I enjoyed college so much I stayed there for 7 years. Even now, I still live the frat boy lifestyle; I just don't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn for an 11:20 class anymore.  I drink, smoke, puff, snuff, dip, pop, drop, roll, troll, candy flip, hippy flip, shoot, trip and get strung out. AT no point do I ever wanna be considered an innocent bystander.

I figure, I should toughen all my organs up now. Don't want any of them giving out on me later in life. I like to think of it as basic training.  No one is getting a free ride in my body!! Although, I do have my ass covered. Yesterday I joined the waiting list for a new liver, so when mine finally gives out in a few years, I’ll have a new one, waiting for me. I am totally addicted to tobacco as well. When I’m out drinking, the beer-free hand needs to be doing something. I don’t want it feeling neglected, so I might as well smoke a cig. I mean, I could do other things with my hand, but until masturbating in public becomes socially acceptable, I’m sticking with smokes. I know it causes cancer, but I have considered that.  I am one-step ahead of this virus.  My lung cancer risk is minimal because I alternate tobacco products. 

See, I smoke for a few weeks, until I start coughing up phlegm and gasping for air just from walking to the bathroom. When this happens, I turn around and buy a tin and start dipping to give my lungs a rest.  I do this for a few weeks, until my bottom jaw starts wiggling like it’s about to fall off.  At this point I switch to snuff.  When my nostrils flare up and start to burn like I'm sniffing an 8-ball a day, I switch to cigars; then Chaw.  This rotation of different tobacco products lasts a good 6 months at least.  When the rotation is done, I start the cycle over again.  By getting my nicotine this way, those deadly cancer cells don't spread as fast to any one part of my body because I'm killing cells in so many different areas.

Basically, my body is one big cancer race. I should actually start taking bets on which form of cancer will win. It will be like the Kentucky Derby. This Epic Race within my body can have commentators and everything. It will definitely be a treat to hear someone say something like “and mouth pulls ahead by a nose”. Mentioning 3 body parts above the shoulders, each in a different context, does not happen often.

On a side note, I hate people who smoke menthol cigarettes. They are like some secret, twisted cult. You can always tell when someone smokes menthol because when you ask them for a cig, there is always this big pause.  When you ask them for a smoke, they'll say something like..."yeah, I got a cigarette.........but its menthol." They do this because they know you are gonna say "never mind", and go ask someone else.  This is probably part of the reason they smoke them.  How can people smoke menthols? Why don’t I just lick a leprechauns asshole, I’ll get the same minty ass taste either way. Menthol cigarettes are like fat chicks; they are only good once a year or so.

My Kryptonite

For some reason black people love them.  I did not meet a white person who smoked menthols until I was out of college.  I have come to realize that menthol cigarettes are territorial; everyone in the neighborhood smokes them if one person does.  Why this is, I don't know. Maybe they all split packs, or maybe it's a status thing...or maybe they just don't like stupid white boys like me bumming their smokes.  Even though I love my tobacco, my favorite drug, by far, is alcohol. And man, have I had some good times with it. I have some tendencies when I'm drunk.  My friends always rip on me because I  I squint my eyes so I look Asian, and I always get right up in peoples' grills when talking to them, completely ignoring their personal space, so close that they can smell who I ate for dinner. Basically, I look like a near-sighted sumo wrestler.

People say I drink too much, but I mean, I have to. The economy is bad, and I don't wanna be responsible for all those Budweiser employees losing their jobs. I don't need that on my conscience, I weigh enough as it is. I was forced by my probation officer to go to rehab a few months ago. You have no idea what a loser is until you go to rehab. I felt so out of place. I was the only person in the class who hadn't prostituted themselves for crack or sold their children for coke money. Although I did lick a cat’s pussy once for a shot of Goldshlager, but that’s neither here nor there.