All over the place

OK, hello kiddies. Sorry I’ve been away awhile. I've been busy saving the world from terrorism, making good American cars, brainstorming the secret to the time-space continuum, discovering the meaning of life, making a mean bowl of cereal , eating 56 hot dogs in 12 minutes, training for the Tour de France, making love to Jessica Alba (she is a moaner), and working. I still, somehow, find time to sleep until 2 PM!!!! Not bad for a guy with an IQ of 81.  Update....

I won the bet. I went a month without drinking. I am not, however, gonna collect any money. I feel that it is something I just needed to do, like brush my teeth, hair and balls (all with the same brush mind you). I had a great 4th of July weekend, drank Sat, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday again. So all the weight I lost in a month I’m sure I put back on. Well, I’m back on the wagon again, although with 3 weddings and 2 bachelor parties coming up, that probably won’t last long. Wish me luck!!

OMG! My brother told me today that one of his friends killed a kitten today, like he picked it up off the ground, and strangled it to death. I don’t know what to say to that. He said when the dude told him; he just laughed, like one of those, OMG! You are fucking twisted; please don’t kill me kind of laughs. He wouldn’t give me the kid’s name, thank god, If I knew who it was, I would probably beat the shit out of him next time he came to my house. That shits not right, you can club baby seals, leave babies in garbage cans, eat veal, steal Baby Ruths', but you do not kill kittens!!!! Or puppies. Shit, if he did that to a puppy I would probably hunt him down and pull his balls up through his mouth, then bust his kneecaps and force him to watch me banging his mother! Now that’s entertainment! But seriously, is that fucked up or what. Of course, he could have been exaggerating. He could have just said he manhandled a pussy, meaning he stuffed some chick like a thanksgiving turkey. You know how rumors start. I remember one time, there was a rumor that I kept a crocodile pit in my basement, and I fed them used condoms (not mine, I haven’t been laid since the bush administration, the FIRST BUSH). Insert your own Bush/Getting no Bush joke here.

I think people that don’t know how to spell are fucking retards. Spelling is a sign of intelligence. Is it that hard to do? I mean, if it’s a hard word, like xylophone, shenanigans....or THE, I can understand, but I mean, when people don’t even know how to spell the city they live in or the college they go to, that’s just fucking wrong.  I went to my aunt's house last Sunday, she has these hand rolled cigs. Very cool, the paper has a filter. You just put the paper in this machine, put the tobacco (or whatever lol) in, and pull the lever (not to be confused with pull my finger). The machine stuffs the shit right in the paper, perfectly. I smoked three of those...in 4 hours, and my lungs are STILL fucked up. These things make Marb Reds look like smoking air. Fuck Cowboy killers, these things are the Black Plague. They can kill anything...but Chuck Norris, but that goes without saying.

Anyway, I have been reading a lot lately, like history books. I think I found my penis showing game on not drinking. Only true fans of Waiting know this. I fucking LOVE history, and might switch majors so I can get my Masters, and eventually Doctorate in it. I found out why I love Chinese women so much. Because, like Chinese food, once you have Chinese, you totally want more an hour later.....and both will make you all worn out.  I have always been a huge Alyssa Milano/J Love Hewitt fan, but I have gotta say, JESSUCA ALBA is the hottest woman alive. Her, and beer, are evidence that god wants us to be happy. She may be Zach's future ex-wife, but all that means is that he will be a good father to my kids!!!  How come the older I get, the younger the people I hang out with get. Therefore, when I should be home playing scrabble and watching Murder, She Wrote, I am instead going out to bars and only going to places that don’t ID? That’s what I love about these high school girls, I keep getting older.....you know the rest.  APAC is the most unorganized place EVER. That place is a fucking joke to work at. Can’t say my friends didn’t warn me. Oh well, its money.  I am shaving my head, chest and privates tomorrow. It accomplishes everything I wanna do. Shaving my head will make me look older, and more badass, and therefore more attractive to women. Shaving my chest will make me look more jacked than I already am, and THAT'S saying something. Shaving my privates will make my dick look bigger, although I still won’t be able to see it over my gut. Dude, my gut puts everyone else’s to shame. Even pregnant women are no match. It probably sticks out a foot when I exhale. If I was ever in a foot race, I would win.....not by a nose, but by a stomach. I don’t even need to move, just stick it out, and I win!!!!  I have always been curious as to what would happen if I hooked my nipple rings up to jumper cables?  Would I die?

I hate when you have to fart, and girls are around. I let it go if I think it’s gonna be quiet, and not smell. But it always seems to be loud and obnoxious. And it always smells so bad even the dog leaves the room. I have made 3 girls fart when eating them out. One time we were 69ing. Needless to say, it killed the mood.  The worst torture imaginable to me is being on the shitter, and not having any reading material. I would take the rack, the Iron Maiden, Chinese Water Torture, shock therapy, ANYTHING is better than dropping a deuce and having nothing to read. Sometimes, if there is nothing there, I will pull my pants up to my knees and waddle into the kitchen to find something. Sometimes I’m forced to read a shampoo bottle, or the Nutritional Contents of Toilet Paper. Shitting and eating, I can't do either without a book, magazine, newspaper, notebook, movie cover, cereal box, condom wrapper, chips bag, Draino bottle....anything. I need to read. Anyway, It’s fucking HOT in this room!! I wonder if my brother and his friends will look at me weird when they walk into the living room and see me butt ass naked, on the leather chair, typing this blog? Who cares, it’s my house. They should be thankful I’m not beating off. Speaking of that, I gotta go. Duty calls.