Fat, drunk and Stupid IS a way to go through life!

Got a new job this week. You’re looking at the newest desk worker at Planet Fitness.  I’m in Management Training Program. Not a bad gig, all I do really is walk around the gym, watching all the half-naked, hot as hell women get all sweaty. Which totally fucks me, because do you know how hard it is to hide a raging hard-on in a polo shirt.

I have to un-tuck my shirt and pull it over my khakis, so prospective club members don’t see my penis standing at full attention while I’m giving them a tour. It’s hard to concentrate, too. Have you ever tried to run on a treadmill with a boner? My cock is constantly rubbing against my thigh, I try to think about baseball and gramma to calm down, but then I glance at Jill Bennett on the Stairmaster and all bets are off. I’ve gotten used to it, kinda. I actually change speeds on the treadmill now by hitting the arrows with my schlong. It’s like a hidden talent I never knew I had.  This "crazy diet" I’m on sucks. Besides not losing hardly any weight, I find myself not being able to sleep at night, hence this blog. I lay down and I actually hear and feel my heart beating like I Just sniffed an 8 ball in 5 seconds. I sniffed some Xanac to slow it down. You know an upper and a downer, to bring my heart back to normal speed?

I haven’t had sex in like two months, and it’s killing me. I might be up for a dirty whore night soon, like back at college, when some of us in my Fraternity would make bets on who would bring home the dirtiest girl that night. The winner would have all his drinks bought the next weekend by the other three. It’s not that I’m a man whore just that I have taken home some really dirty girls before. I like dirty girls, as they know what they are doing in the bedroom.

I'm like a deer in headlights when I see this!

I don’t really like blowjobs that much, from bad experiences. One time a girl farted in my face when we were 69ing, actually that happened twice....I guess I’m good at oral, I loosen them up...maybe a little too much. One time, this girl I worked with was going down on me...after doing a triple shot of plastic bottle whiskey. Needless to say, I was sitting on my living room couch, watching Mallrats, and she was blowing me. I really just wanted to watch mall rats, the bj was her idea, I didn’t mind....until she puked all over my shit. I guess my enormous wang went in too far, and she yacked. I got fucking pissed and told her to clean it up. She did....with her mouth. I’m not lying; this girl looked up at me, smiled...then continued blowing me, slurping up the fucking hot dog chunks and Chinese food that was all over my lap, that, minutes earlier were in her stomach. I was so fucking stunned I didn’t know what to do, so I just let her clean up after herself, then told her to go home. Needless to say, I never talked to her again.

I wish I had game back when I was tall, dark and handsome in my younger years. It is much harder to hook up when you’re Fat, Drunk and Stupid. I need to move to a country where out of shape, balding, poor ass, live with their parents white guys are considered desirable. There’s got to be somewhere.

I fucking hate shallow chicks. I’m the coolest cat around, yet I can’t get laid with a ten dollar bill hanging out of my drawers in a 5 dollar whore house. I’m always, the friend, or, the funny guy. Fuck that, I’m though being friends. At least until I get some ass, it’s starting to bring me down.

I wish girl’s vaginas were different shapes. Like one girl will have a pussy with a triangle opening, another with a circle, an octagon, etc. In order to have sex, they need to find a male with a triangle shaped penis, or whatever was the matching shape. That would make it interesting. Only certain people would be compatible, like blood types. It would suck if you took someone home, only to find out she was a hexagon to your quadrilateral triangle. It would really be interesting if their mouth shapes matched their vaginas, so you couldn’t even get head. I gotta talk to someone to make that happen. I want to have the AB Blood type penis, compatible with everyone.  That would be cool!