A Good Old-Fashioned Rant...brought to you by Wal Mart!

I HATE people that refer to Wal-mart as Wal-Marts, like it's a plural noun.   If they go to more than one Wal-mart, I can maybe see that term being appropriate, but who goes to more than one Wal-Mart on the same trip, unless you are a delivery man.  The people who say it like this just add the -s to be cute. Even worse than the aforementioned rectal itches are the people who call it Wally World; like it's a fucking amusement park.I don't know about you, but when I go there, I don’t' see 5 foot tall mice walking around signing autographs and taking pictures with kids.

I have been to Wal-Mart a shitload of times, in many different cities, and I cannot remember ever seeing a parade on any of my visits, no floats, no marching band; not even a flock of famous cartoon characters throwing candy!  I've always had to buy my candy there...or steal it.  That's actually what I do most of the time I'm in Wal-Mart is steal shit.  I like the challenge- plus, I fucking despise everything that God forsaken company stands for.  Ripping it off every once in awhile is my way of evening things out a little bit.  Anyway, if I walked into Wal-Mart one day and saw Goofy on a parade float throwing candy to customers while a marching band played The Duck Tales Theme Song I would be as happy as a pig in shit.  Not only would I start shopping at Wal-Mart more- I wouldn't even have the need to steal any candy because I will have already gotten some from Goofy (or taken it from some spoiled brat who picked up the Butterfinger before I could bend down).   Even if there was no parade, I think it would be extremely entertaining for Wal-Mart shoppers to be able to see Animatronics bears and Pirates running around the store, singing and dancing.  It would sure make shopping for tampons more exciting! 

But no....there is none of that.  Just a big ass store with a ton of shit made from every country but America; and, depending on the hour- some of the freakiest looking, not-from-this-world bunch of freaks you have ever seen in your life.  I have talked about people in other blogs as well.  Check  out WAL-MART & DEATH if you wanna read more  about these  "Quasi Modo's" of the Human race.  These people aren't the problem though-they are actually amusing to watch.  The problem is all the small town hicks who insist on adding an -s to the end, like its Goddamn Disneyworld!

The only lines of people I see at Wal-Mart aren't for rides- I don't remember seeing Space Mountain anywhere in the stores I've been in.  If I'm missing something, let me know; I'll go there right now- I love roller-coasters!  The sad fact is, though that the only lines I have ever seen at this Poster Child for Corruption and Green are the lines waiting to pay for something so you can get the Hell out of there before you buy something else you have no need for but just happened to see when you were in line at the Register.

Now, I am not above mis-pronouncing store names to be funny, as I pronounce Target with a soft "g", as in "tar-jay.  It sounds French fashion store...or the Paris branch of Sky Mall.  Tar-jay sounds like a store where all the employees speak with a thick French accent and have handlebar mustaches...including the women.  They also wear berets and spend the day making fun of "stupid Americans".  But that's me, and I just do it for a laugh.  These other people are serious in their happy-action fun time pronunciation of the most evil Corporation of them all. 

I love Wal-Mart for one reason. You can buy anything from tampons to lunchmeat to shotguns there. I would love to be a cashier there, just so you can see all the fucked up things people buy. Gotta love that!  Check out ANOTHER ACTUAL CONVERSATION I HAD for some thoughts about what the future product line of Wal-Mart may entail.

On a side note, I am done drinking, for GOOD!  Got drunk Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and my body is HURTING.  Note to self...do not pound a 40 at 3:30 in the morning again.

I am convinced that I cannot lose weight, at least not without quitting drinking entirely. I have tried every fucking pill out there, and nothing works. I mean, when I was in college it didn’t matter. I was benching 300 pounds and was a beast. Now, not so much. I think my stomach weighs 100 pounds. I’m not kidding when I say that I can easily fit a full grown gorilla in my gut. When I push it out all the way, I can rest a TV dinner on it! I mean, this is convenient on so many levels, but I gotta look at my health too.

I was recently told I am too laid back... This came as a shock. I mean, as recently as a few months ago I was told I was a drama queen. I’m glad to see I’ve turned that corner. On that note, I desperately wanna make love to a schoolboy! Wait; no I don't- sorry, that just came out.

How come the only females that wanna get with me I don't like, yet the ones I dig aren’t into me. Why is that? Girls always go for the pretty boys, who couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the C and the T. They always overlook the nice guys; the ones who would give up an organ for them, who would treat them like a queen, and always put themselves second. Maybe it’s just immaturity, I dunno. Thing is though I’m not really a nice guy, I mean, I am....but I've been burned too many times on being too nice, so it’s changed my attitude. Maybe I’ll just start being a dick to every girl. That seems to work for some guys. Shit, I know guys that treat women like absolute shit, and they always have a hottie on their arm.

I'm gonna sign up for an organ donation, my liver is about to go, I have a feeling. That’s one thing Wal mart does not sell...organs. Can you imagine that, walking up to one of their employees asking where a blood type A positive spleen is? Wal Mart builds a whole new morgue section to their store, where people can buy their organs. Damn, some pretty frumpy looking people work at Wal mart, I can’t even imagine what rejects they would have working in their organ department. Mad scientists and shit...crazy. Anyway, that’s it for now, hope you enjoyed this.

As long as we're on the subject of Wal-Mart, if you're ever in one and find yourself bored, here's a FUN LIST OF THINGS you can do to keep occupied (and piss people off!)