I recently came up with my own diet plan. You know how Richard Simmons has "Sweating to the Oldies"? I call mine simply SWEATING. What you do is you stick 3 really fat guys on a couch. I’m saying shoe those mutha fuckas on there so they can’t move. You give them a cig in one hand, and a beer in the other. Then, you put a container of Vaseline on the coffee table in front of them. You put the remote control on top of the TV. Then, you change the channel to Lifetime and watch what happens.
For these fat guys, this predicament becomes a very strenuous, full body workout. Those orca mutha fuckas are not gonna watch Lifetime. The stretching and wiggling they do to get off the couch is the aerobic training. Eventually they are gonna need the Vaseline so they lube up to get off the couch. Then, they are all gonna rush to the TV in an attempt be the first one to get the remote, so they can control what is watched. That activity is the cardiovascular. When they finally settle back down and put a sports game on, all those 12-oz curls they will be doing with the beer; as well as the lifting of their cigarettes up to their lips repeatedly will serve as the strength training. Granted, it is not heavy weight, but it is a Hell of a Lot of Repetitions they will be doing. Low weight, high rep is how one gets cut! When these guys run out of beer, they gotta get their ass up off the couch to make it to the fridge for more- that’s more cardio!
Now, for those of you considering this workout, I understand that it may seem like a lot of physical activity. That is why you should not just jump right into it. For the first week or so, I wouldn’t suggest doing this workout for more than an hour at a time. In the beginning, during half-time of the game, I recommend taking a nap on the couch with your hands down your pants. Rest your energy for the second half.
If you stay motivated with this exercise plan, you will eventually see results. Before you know it, you will be in game shape. You will be the envy of all your friends as you will consistently be the first one off that couch and to the refrigerator for another beer. You will see begin to see definition in your fingers from the constant play on the remote. There is nothing better than having toned hands during the warm (no glove) weather. Not to mention, you will have the softest, most well-defined couch as -groove on the block.
No one said this workout is easy - but that shows it works; it’s no quick fix. All those fags with 6-packs will bow down to your keg! Sure, they may go to the gym four days a week- an hour or two a day. Big deal! You’ll be drinking 6 days a week- 6 hours a day. You will have worked much harder on that enormous, intimidating gut that bursts out of all your shirts than those mamma’s boys will have on those bitch-ass 6 packs. You can take pride in the fact that you don’t take days off, either. Even if you’re sick, hung over, injured, or even on vacation, you will be sticking to the plan- you’ll be drinking beer; smoking cigarettes; eating various kinds of chips and, of course, working that remote control daily. You think those pretty boy pussies- the guys who take their shirts off for their facebook picture, will be showing that type of dedication in the gym. Hell no? They have the sniffles, they stay home! If its beach season, they’ll be working on their fag tan, and showing off their washboard stomach. They won’t be where the real men are, which is anywhere but the beach. Real men will have dirty T-shirts on, a beer in their hand, and a smile on their face. They will be the ones making fun of those tanned, cut, skinny, closet homosexuals. They will be the ones waiting for those douche bags to mess up and get their ass kicked. You could be that guy! Not the one getting his ass kicked, but the other guy; the cool guy with the gut and the smile. That could be you!! If you stick to the plan, I guarantee you will be using your gut as a TV Tray within 6 months… or your money back!
Now, for those of you considering this workout, I understand that it may seem like a lot of physical activity. That is why you should not just jump right into it. For the first week or so, I wouldn’t suggest doing this workout for more than an hour at a time. In the beginning, during half-time of the game, I recommend taking a nap on the couch with your hands down your pants. Rest your energy for the second half.
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| Prior to starting plan, this man was 140 lb. Asian woman. |
No one said this workout is easy - but that shows it works; it’s no quick fix. All those fags with 6-packs will bow down to your keg! Sure, they may go to the gym four days a week- an hour or two a day. Big deal! You’ll be drinking 6 days a week- 6 hours a day. You will have worked much harder on that enormous, intimidating gut that bursts out of all your shirts than those mamma’s boys will have on those bitch-ass 6 packs. You can take pride in the fact that you don’t take days off, either. Even if you’re sick, hung over, injured, or even on vacation, you will be sticking to the plan- you’ll be drinking beer; smoking cigarettes; eating various kinds of chips and, of course, working that remote control daily. You think those pretty boy pussies- the guys who take their shirts off for their facebook picture, will be showing that type of dedication in the gym. Hell no? They have the sniffles, they stay home! If its beach season, they’ll be working on their fag tan, and showing off their washboard stomach. They won’t be where the real men are, which is anywhere but the beach. Real men will have dirty T-shirts on, a beer in their hand, and a smile on their face. They will be the ones making fun of those tanned, cut, skinny, closet homosexuals. They will be the ones waiting for those douche bags to mess up and get their ass kicked. You could be that guy! Not the one getting his ass kicked, but the other guy; the cool guy with the gut and the smile. That could be you!! If you stick to the plan, I guarantee you will be using your gut as a TV Tray within 6 months… or your money back!
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