Oh, Fudge!

Hmmm, homemade fudge, $2.50. That's pretty steep for some candy. Before I buy some, I have a few concerns that need to be addressed. Is this fudge really made at home or is it just the name just a clever marketing ploy? If it is home-made, who's home are we talking about? Does this mystery person keep a clean, sanitary kitchen? How can I be sure beer cans, dead rodents, dirty boxers, half eaten, 6-month old beef aren't scattered all over the counter and a chalk body outline isn't in front of the fridge? For reassurance, the convenient store clerk should be armed with signed, notarized documents on official letterhead from the Chamber of Commerce, FDA and Department of Health stating this fudge factory meets all standards and requirements. Also, I need confirmation that the owner of this business isn't an evil-doing terrorist that uses the proceeds from their fudge business to operate a meth lab/puppy S&M studio/cock fighting ring in their basement. Lastly, I would like proof that this master of the fudge arts didn't have a cold while performing this witchcraft, and that gloves were worn throughout the whole process. A picture of a healthy, glove-wearing chef in a spotless, clean, corpse and rabid cock-free kitchen should satisfy all my concerns. I will ask the clerk if she has one on hand, if not, I'm going with a Hershey bar.

I hope to God he's not going home to make fudge.