Real Men Wear Kilts!

This is the first of two posts dedicated to my good friend, Epic Partyer and BEST AND MOST LOYAL FAN, Marty (CLICK HERE to read stories about him).  Sorry it took so long, buddy, but this one's for you.

When I was a kid, I loved wrestling, as did most other boys.  I watched it more than baseball, football or anything, with the possible exception of cartoons.  But considering one of my favorite cartoons was Hulk Hogan’s Rocking' Wrestling, Vince McMahon and his budding entertainment empire were pretty much within ear/eye shot all the time.  While most of my friends were huge Hogan, Macho Man or Ultimate Warrior fans, my favorites were Ricky Steamboat, the Road Warriors (Legion of Doom later) and the Hot Rod.  Roddy was my fave, cuz he spoke his mind, was a loose cannon, was man enough to wear a kilt, hosted the best segment in the history of professional wrestling, "Piper's Pit", and is one of the best Heel's in history, not to mention one of the most respected wrestlers to ever step in the ring.

 

Amazingly, Hot Rod stayed popular, relevant and beloved among the sports hardcore fans for 30 years despite never having any significant Title reign, and being a villain for much of his career.  He was never Heavyweight Champ in any of the Big 3 (WWF, WCW and NWA) and was WWF Intercontinental Champ only once, and that reign lasted just 2 1/2 months (won Belt in Albany, NY btw). In his tenure in WCW, Roddy also held only one singles title, and that was the minor US Title, although he did win it on 3 different occasions.  He didn't even get pushed much in doubles competition either.  Piper held the tag team belts for Ted Turner's rasslin' company only once, and that was for a whopping 8 days (w/ Ric Flair).  I've had rashes that lasted longer! 

Despite never getting his turn, Hot Rod never complained, or purposely fucked up to hurt his opponent who was getting pushed over him.  The Rowdy one just did his job, and did it well.  Though Hogan got all the notoriety, it was Piper who served as the main catalyst for the Hulkster's amazing success throughout the 1980's, when he was one of the most popular and recognizable athletes in America (yes, I said athlete.  Anyone who thinks pro wrestlers aren't athletes is fucking brain-dead).  If Hogan was the face-man of Vince's empire for all those years, Piper was his makeup artist.   He is the reason Hogan's notoriety grew to the height it did, and no one can deny that.  Piper just did it without the accolades or dollars that Hogan got.

Que the Bagpipes!

All great athletes need rivals.  Rivalries are what draw people in to something.  They don't tune in to see a person/team get slaughtered, cuz that's boring.  Fun for a little bit, but then people would lose interest.  Only the most hardcore of Yankee fan wouldn't watch all 9 innings of a game if the Bombers were winning 34-3, right?  They want some drama, some doubt as to who would come out on top.  Ali had Frazier, Nicholas had Palmer, McEnroe had Connors, Yankees have the Red Sox, Michigan has Ohio State, Tom has Jerry, The Autobots have the Decepticons and the Real American had the Rowdy Scot.

As Hulkamania grew, people all over the world tuned in to see what that no-good Kilt-wearing SOB would do to hinder the Title reign of their beloved champ.  They cheered Piper with the same amount, if not more, passion than they cheered Hulk.  Piper was the epitome of a villain, and the crowds hated him for it.  They didn't just boo him cuz he was a bad guy, they truly despised him, which means he did a helluva job at what he was paid to do.  Piper fit the part of a villain to a T!  He was arrogant, rude, blunt and he cheated mercilessly.  Who could blame everyone for hating him, as their wasn't much to like about the part Roderick George Toombs played in the squared circle.  His cheating ways made him a favorite to win against the unfortunate victims of his low blows, and, more than anything, Americans love an underdog.  Every crotch shot Piper delivered to Hulk behind the referees back made America root harder for him, hoping that, somehow, Hulk would "dig down for something deep inside" and triumph over his hated enemy.   

This simple formula is the plot line of every action movie ever made, and made millionaires out of Sly Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and many others.  The Piper-Hogan feud was a cash cow that paved the way The Rock, Steve Austin and other wrestlers of today to make the huge paychecks they do.  It turned wrestling from a small, redneck past-time with 3 AM timeslots and no household names or pop culture recognition to a national phenomenon which has brought filled arenas and brought in millions every year.  Hulk Hogan went from a cultural after sight to being a Sports Illustrated cover boy, beloved hero and cultural icon that will be remembered long after he's said his last "Let me tell ya somethin' brother".  

So, Roddy, if your reading this, you may have never been a Heavyweight Champ and never gotten the monetary respect you so rightly deserved for 30 years in the trenches of the wrestling ring, but you have earned a spot on my list of favorite athletes ever.  So, at least you got that goin' for you!