Rock Out With Your Cock Out!

My Night Last Night-

I have got to tell you about the show I went to last night.  My buddy Spanky's band BLAMING HOLLYWOOD was playing with some other local groups.  Though it was only a small show at a small bar in a small town, this turned out to be a very memorable night, one I won't soon forget.

Let's start with the venue.  This low-class, hole in the wall bar just outside Utica called “Mr. McGill’s”.  “Mr. McGill’s” is a bar that teenagers frequent because it’s the only place they can get into.  McGill’s lets 18 and over in- supposedly because the teenagers like to go there and "dance".  This story might fly, except for one minor thing.  The owner of McGill’s, in his infinite wisdom, forgot to put in a dance floor.  It wasn't his fault, though.  He needed that space for other things- like Whitesboro Middle School's monthly lunch calendar and Regents Exam Schedules.  These things are important, too!  

There is a raised area that could be used as a dance floor on the premises.  Unfortunately, this space is always occupied by Heavy Metal bands and the mosh dancers they attract.  This may seem unfortunate, but the high school kids don't mind so much, as the owner is very customer oriented and keeps feeding them beers for the duration of their stay- you know, so they can drink their sorrows away about not being able to dance.  I used to go to McGill’s as a teenager, not even old enough to drive after 9.  I stopped going there when I turned 21, when I could get into real bars.

This particular show was $14 at the door!!! For local bands!!  Normally a show with local bands is $5 at the MOST!  The owner likes to jack up the prices, as...where else can 18 year olds go to drink?  I'm sure paying a few extra dollars in cover charge still beats the hell out of sneaking a 12 pack of Genny Cream Ale out of your house in a garbage bag, getting it by your parents by pretending your bringing the trash to the curb, even though garbage day was yesterday.

The show was supposed to 5 bands playing, which would have made the cover charge more reasonable.  6 Hours of live music, from 8 PM - 2 AM for the cost of a CD is pretty good.  But, as happens when you’re dealing with ass clowns, this plan fell through.  Two of the 5 bands cancelled, so the show went from 5 bands to 3 and the hours of music went from 6 to 4...yet the owner didn't lower the ticket price.  It wasn't the opening bands that cancelled, either.  One of the cancellations was THE HEADLINER!!

Hey, maybe he would use that extra money to lower drink prices or something, right?   Nope, drink prices were raised.  But the worst, most ridiculous, greedy, selfish, uncaring thing about all this was that the ENTIRE parking lot of the bar, and the ENTIRE sidewalk leading up to the door, were COVERED in ice.  Seriously, if it wasn't for all the unlevel ground, bumps and random rocks all over, the parking lot could have been a hockey rink.  I half expected to see a Zamboni making rounds through the lot.  There were probably 200 people there throughout the night.  Probably 1/3-1/2 of them paid that ridiculous $14 cover charge (pre-sale tickets were "only" $8).  People were obviously going to the bar to drink there.  I don't know if you heard, but drinking lowers your coordination and balancing abilities.  I almost fell on my face at least 5 times.  Twice on way into bar before I even had a drop of alcohol!  I saw many other people fall or nearly fall, too.  I bring this up because, one would think the bar owner would have the common fucking courtesy to splurge for a big bag or rock salt!  He expected a large crowd of people- there was a fucking ROCK SHOW going on.  It’s not like the crowd surprised him!  He just left it icy as hell so people could fall and cut their head open.  What a great Samaritan.

There were other things about the bar I noticed.  For instance, behind the bar is a sign that reads "Bitches only parking, violators will be slapped!"- A vain attempt at humor.  What was funny though, was that the bar owner, a short, Italian middle-aged dude, was behind said bar the entire night.  I almost bitch-slapped him out of principal- not slapping him would be breaking the law!  Unfortunately, he was too short and I couldn’t reach that far down over the bar to do so.  

Enough about the bar- onto the show…

Spanky's band kicked ass!!  That's not what I am going to share with you, though.  The band that played before him is the most unique group of specimens to ever set foot on stage carrying instruments.

-The lead singer was a 20-something year old white dude with corn rolls PAINTED on his bald head.  At first, and sometimes second, glance, they looked like real corn rolls.  

-The bass guitarist was Virgil, the Million Dollar Man's old bodyguard from WWF.  A Skinny, bald, older black dude playing bass in a hardcore metal band.  Don’t see that every day.

-The drummer was HUGE!  Like Huge in a Lou Ferrigno way, not in a Horatio Sanz way.  Dude's eyelids had muscles.  Steroids use him to get bigger.  He was so large that his drum set looked like a toddler’s toy.  He must have needed axle grease to squeeze into his chair.  He must break a drum set a show.

-Last, but not least, is the lead guitarist.  His look was, well, unique.  I was trying to think of how to describe him forever, until it hit me after about 5 minutes of staring at him pondering.  He had long, frilly brown hair and a scruffy beard and a Jewish looking face.  Best way to describe him is he looks like Rob Schneider would look after being pulled out of an underground bunker after having lived there for 3 months.  You know, like Saddam looked, all dirty looking and unclean, when our soldier found him hiding underground.  

This band was typical Hardcore Metal Band- Loud, violent music and lots of screaming.  Although, they did play a kick ass version of that 90’s soft rock song “Peaches” by Presidents of the United States of America.  I hate Hardcore Metal for the most part, but that song was great!

In closing, I am glad I went out.  I notice more weird shit now when I go out cuz I never go to bars anymore.  I appreciate it more, so I notice more stuff to write about.  I highly recommend, as long as it’s not at McGill’s.