A Sneak Peak at My Newest Creation!

FRATBOY PRODUCTIONS

   PROUDLY PRESENT:

A sneak peak at our newest creation- make sure you have a fresh pair of underwear on hand because you’re liable to piss yourself reading the EPIC Opening Scene to…

"THE WEDDING"

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY

A dog runs towards door and jumps on its hind legs.  It SCRATCHES at the doorknob.  A slight MOAN is heard from other side of door.

The dog grabs knob in its teeth and turns it.  Door opens to reveal CHRIS (27), sitting on the throne.  Chris is a bigger guy- a little fat but also muscular.  His enormous shoulders look big even with a huge beer gut that juts out under his shirt.

CHRIS HAS A PLAYBOY IN HAND AND IS MASTURBATING FEROCIOUSLY.  A BOTTLE OF LUBE IS SEEN ON THE SINK.  WHEN CHRIS SEES THE DOOR PROP OPEN, HE QUICKLY LEANS FORWARD TO HIDE HIS SIN.

CHRIS

Buddy!  No, stay down!

Dog jumps on Chris, PLAYBOY drops to side of pot.

A phone RINGS.

CHRIS

SHIT!  Where the hell’s the phone?  Buddy, go get the phone!

Buddy runs out of bathroom, returning a few seconds later, with phone in his mouth.  Chris pulls it out from between Buddy’s teeth and answers it.

CHRIS

Talk to me!

SPLIT SCREEN:

ZACH (25) takes up other half of screen.  Zach has athletic build and wears a mullet.  He sits on his couch, drinking a beer and picking his nose. 

ZACH

Hello, Christopher!

CHRIS

What up, dawg?

ZACH

Nothin’ bro, just wanna see what time we’re leavin’ for my brother’s wedding.

CHRIS

(blowing ass)

Uummmmm!  Aahhh!  How’s four tomorrow sound?

ZACH

Sweet!  That means we can party tonight!  You comin’ down?

CHRIS

I have an audition at two, but I’ll be at your house right afterwards.

ZACH

That works!  See ya then boss.

CHRIS

LATAZ!!!!

CAMERA SWITCHES to full screen of Chris.  Chris puts phone in sink and reaches for toilet paper, there is none.

CHRIS

Fuck! 

Doorbell RINGS.

CHRIS

Shit, must be the pizza guy! 

 EXT. HOUSE - FRONT LAWN

PIZZA MAN stands at door, holding two pizzas and a paper bag.  He is looking around.

Chris looks out window and sees him.  He opens the window to yell out. 

CHRIS

Hold on!  I’ll be right there.

INT. HOUSE - BATHROOM

Chris looks around FRANTICALLY for something to wipe his ass with.  He leans over, trying to reach pile of towels on floor.  He falls off bowl, hairy ass flying in the air.

CHRIS

Goddamnit son of a bitch cocksucker!  Fuck!

Doorbell rings again.

CHRIS

I’ll be there in a minute!

Chris gets back up, bracing himself on bowl.  He grabs towel and wipes his ass.  Chris tosses towel in tub and pulls up his drawers.

The doorbell rings 3 more times in the next 5 seconds.

CHRIS

Jesus Christ!  Chill out, I’ll be right there.

Chris runs to door and pulls knob.  The handle falls off in his hand.  Chris looks at door, then at handle.  He sticks hand in hole and tries to pull door open, to no avail.

Chris’s stomach growls.

CHRIS

What the shit!  This shit only happens to me.

Chris looks over and sees window is open.  

He runs over and tries to squeeze through it, but his broad shoulders get stuck halfway through and he has to pull himself back in.

CHRIS

What the hell can I do now?

Chris notices lube in sink.  He picks up can, and takes off his shoes.

EXT. HOUSE - FRONT PORCH

Pizza man is still at door.  He looks at watch, then up at window.  He opens up one of the pizza boxes and pulls out a slice.  Loud Noise HEARD OS. 

PIZZA MAN LOOKS AND SEES CHRIS SPRINTING, BUCK NAKED, COVERED IN LUBE, WAVING DOLLAR BILLS.

CHRIS

Yo, don’t leave! I’m here, I’m here!

Burdocks and pine needles COVER Chris’s body as he runs up to pizza man.

PIZZA MAN

Yo, what the hell happened to you man?

CHRIS

(panting)

I....was taking a shit.

PIZZA MAN

Wow!  Must have been a hell of a shit, man.

CHRIS

I think I just gave birth to the Cosby kids.  Now where’s my shit?

Chris snatches pizzas and takes a slice.  He gobbles it down right on the porch.  A MOTHER walks by, pushing stroller on sidewalk.  She stares at naked Chris until OS.

 

Chris throws dollar bills in pizza man’s hand, takes the pies and then turns to go back inside.

PIZZA MAN

Yo, you want change, man?

CHRIS

Where the fuck am I supposed to put the change?

Pizza man looks down at Chris’s crotch, then smiles.

PIZZA MAN

Thanks, dude!

Pizza man EXITS.

Chris puts pizzas under one arm, and goes to open front door.  It’s locked.  He shakes it twice then kicks the door, a pie falls out of his hands and SPLATTERS on ground.

CHRIS

Oh shit!  You have got to be kidding me!

He looks up and sees open window on second floor.  Chris brushes himself off, reaches up and grabs a tree branch and  starts climbing.

-Not a bad first scene, right?  You should read the rest of it!  I take raw, edgy comedy to a whole new level.  If this script doesn't get auctioned then I have lost all Faith in Mankind!