It Really Was A Shitty Idea!

“WE PUT THE AH! IN LOOFAH!”

Senor Mierda Cara

Are you sick and tired of clogging your toilet every time you eat a bran muffin? Do you get depressed whenever you think about all the toilet paper you have gone through over the years; all the money wasted and trees senselessly slaughtered because of your bowel movement habit? Or maybe you, like thousands of other Americans, have nightmares about taking a dump when home alone and making the horrifying discovery that there is no toilet paper. Was this nightmare ever a reality for you? Have you ever had to waddle around the bathroom, sometimes even the entire house or, in a few tragic documented cases, an entire office or shopping mall, with your pants around your ankles, desperately searching for substitute wiping material - whether it be: paper towels, napkins, your brothers socks, your mother's bathrobe, the Classified Ads of the newspaper or, even God forbid, your cat? Many horrified people have had to quit their jobs due to their companies refusals to spend more than $.88 a roll on toilet tissue. The paper these people were forced to use was so thin that every time someone used it to wipe their bottom, the thumb and forefinger on their wiping hand would break through the thin, single-ply TP and, before they even knew what was going on, those same fingers would be knuckle deep inside their shit-filled rectum. It's estimated that 4% of suicides in this country result from the extreme and overwhelming embarrassment a person feels after they find out that they are guilty of fingering their own asshole. Hatred of toilet paper has become so widespread that it has even become a political platform. “Devil's Fabric Softener”, as many people have started calling it, is ruining lives every day. Sadly, many otherwise successful people have felt so humiliated as a result of a bathroom incident that they no longer take their families out to dinner at fancy restaurants like The Waffle House or Burger King, because of the risk that a Top Company Executive might also be there. One ill-timed bathroom break could result in said Executive possibly getting a whiff of this person's fingers as they walk by on their way back to their table after using the restroom. This concern isn't unwarranted, either. If I was an Executive at a company and I noticed that the hands of one of the candidates up for a promotion wreaked of fecal matter, I would certainly not think higher of them. I would think, as I'm sure many people would, that this person can't possibly be trusted to manage the Regional Sales Team if they don't even know how to wash their hands properly! In the most tragic TP Horror cases, a person will refuse to take their family anywhere in public out of paranoia that the frail TP most companies stock their bathrooms with will won't be able to stand up to the vigorous, vein-popping, power dumps that result from eating foods like Pickled Eggs or Gwano – flavored Hot Wings. If something wasn't done regarding this issue, it would have only been a matter of time before people stopped eating solid food entirely, instead choosing to live off nothing but ice cream, chicken soup broth and potato gravy. Now, because of this breakthrough in Fecal Technology, the masses no longer need to live in fear of suffering massive blood loss and/or death due to TP so coarse that it routinely caused huge gashes in a person's anal cavity. We ran tests on some of this Corporate TP and found that most of it was much too rough to be used on human skin. Toilet paper we collected from some companies, a few very well known, was so rough and jagged that they were able to do things toilet paper is normally not used for. In the most shocking example, we were able to rub an entire VIN Number off the dash of a stolen car AND then polish a very large diamond with just a single square of single-ply tissue! Now, because of THE PL1000, pain and paranoia free solid waste removal is no longer just a high-tech plot from a science-fiction movie! It's just a phone call away. This product, despite not even being in stores yet, is already being called the largest breakthrough in restroom convenience since the creation of the strip club bathroom attendant. It's inventors have already been awarded a Nobel Lifetime Achievement Award. So, put that toilet paper down folks, because no matter what kind of crap we're talking about, the PL has your back; even for Mexican Food. And you wanna know the best part? No matter how messy the dump, it's always an easy clean-up, regardless of what vile substances and/or organisms, both dead and living, come out of your ass - the cleanup instructions will always be the same: "You just wash it out!" 

VERY SIMPLE TO OPERATE:

1. Poop

2. Take PL1000 and insert 3-4 inches into your anal cavity.

3. Twist it around anal cavity in counter-clockwise motion, making sure brush rubs against walls of rectum.

4. Pull device out of butt (ring out if needed).

5. Rinse off in sink and air dry or hang on clothesline.

COMES IN 5 COLORS: PURPLE NURPLE, LITTLE BOY BLUE, BLOOD-RED, STINKY PINK-E & GANG GREEN

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*PLUS, ITS ORGANIC!!!!  Your viral infection is no longer the only thing on your person that has turned green!

 

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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: The PL1000 has been known to cause Prostate Cancer in free range chickens. If you require a colostomy bag to defecate, the Poop Loofah may not be for you. Also,if you are currently, or have ever been a paedococranecrophiliac, you should not use it, as it may intensify any carnal urges towards fecal matter. If you are pregnant or nursing, please see a doctor before using this rectal aid. Also, If you are suffering from chafed nuts, swamp ass, an annoying rectal itch or severe rectal bleeding, the device may cause swelling of the anus, which may ultimately result in the total closing of your sphincter. If you feel your asshole closing, please see a doctor immediately. If you are unable to get to a doctor, find a friend or good Samaritan to shove three fingers and/or other appendage into your asshole until the rectal canal opens back up. Once a new anal cavity is opened, something must be stuffed in the person's ass to act as a cork or the newly formed opening will close after the friend's fingers are removed. The cork should be cold so the surrounding tissue doesn't tighten up and cause added discomfort. We find that Popsicles make excellent butt plugs because of their freezing temperature and their convenient, easy to use insertion/removal stick. The Flavor of Popsicle recommended doesn't matter, although we recommend a color that matches the victim's outfit. As a courtesy, we have included a $.50 cent off coupon for Popsicles on the bottom of all boxes of the PL1000. 

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**PLEASE NOTE- Use Popsicles, not Fudgsicles – A fudgsicle could easily be mistaken for poo, and seeing someone being carted out of Wal-Mart - naked from the waist down, with what looks like a big log of wet, oozy shit hanging off their grundle, dripping all over the freshly mopped floor, might severely damage a person emotionally. At the very least, it will make them lose their their appetite. If a person doesn't eat, they don't shit – which results in less PL1000's being sold which ultimately results in less money going into our in our pockets!  Plus, its just bad manners - so please refrain!