I Collect Things

I have always been one to collect things. First, it was stamps and coins that my dad got me into when I was real little. When I got older I started collecting baseball cards and comic books. Once I got into High School, though, I didn’t really like cards and comics as much anymore. They weren’t “Cool”. So, I just stopped buying them. I put my collection in the attic and forgot about them. 

After doing this, I had a ton of spare time. At first I enjoyed it, as I finally had time to do things I never could before, like building a deck on my house and organizing my DVD collection. A few years later, after I had finished these and a ton more projects, I had nothing left to do with all this idle time. I found myself often bored. There was a big void in my life that had never been there before. 

I needed something to fill that void, so I decided to start collecting something like I did when I was a kid. But what? It needed to be something I already had a lot of, so I wouldn’t need to spend a fortune to get the collection going. I considered shot glasses, but I would use those. It needed to be something that would serve no other purpose than to collect. It also needed to be able to fit into albums to show off. I thought about this for days until it finally hit me....

I would collect parking tickets! I had a glove compartment full of them, and I was sure I could get a ton from my friends and family. It turns out tat my friends and family were more eager to help me out than I thought- they gave me shoe boxes full of them. It has only been a few months, and I already have over 1000 parking tickets; not just local ones either. Thanks to my well-traveled acquaintances, I have tickets from 251 Counties, in 21 different states, and from 5 different countries. The value of my collection has got to be at least $75,000, and that’s not even including penalties. If you figure those in, my NET worth might actually make me the richest man in the world! I will probably be the only person in history to simultaneously be #1 on both Forbes and FBI’s Most Wanted Lists. 

Being that it's so valuable; I keep my collection protected in albums, or as my friends call it, my Police File! I can’t believe I wasted so much time collecting baseball cards. All those wasted years’ got me was an attic full of useless cardboard. Baseball cards aren’t worth dick anymore, they are overproduced and collecting them is more un-hip than collecting insects and bugs- actually, it's worse. At least bugs provide companionship. Collecting parking tickets, besides being lucrative, is extremely cool. It’s like I’m spitting in the face of the law.

I feel like the man! Now I know what jaywalkers, litterers, or people that rip the tags off seat belts feel like. What a rush! Girls think I’m a bad ass! All I have to do to get laid is bring a girl back to my place and start showing her my collection. With each album page turned, she gets hornier and hornier. After about 5 pages, she is so wet her panties will fall off on their own. I might as well be collecting decapitated heads. Also unlike sports cards, parking tickets are constantly going up in value, even in this tight economy. Shit, the value of my ticket doubles every three months.

Just another day at the office

I have gotten really into my collection, too. Whenever I am walking down the street, I will actually grab a parking ticket off a random car, if it is one from a place I don’t have yet. On occasion, I will also intentionally park in a handicapped space, in front of a fire hydrant or park at a meter and not pay, all just so I would get a ticket! I got so into it, and talked so highly of it, that my friends even started collecting them. They come over my house every week so we can trade tickets, just like we used to do with our baseball cards.

There is one ticket I will never trade, though. Its a Boston, MA double-parking ticket, dated January 19, 1959. My dad gave it to me as a boy, and his father had given it to him before that. It was originally placed on my grandfather’s windshield one rainy night when he was over his then girlfriend’s apartment, getting a little late night loving. The woman he was making a late night call on eventually became my grandmother, and that ticket signified the night my father was conceived. Instead of paying the ticket, my grandfather held onto it, as a memento of sorts. You might call it a family heirloom. Besides the sentimental value, 1959 was the first year the Boston PD used those white, pink and yellow multi-colored tickets that they still use today. I guess you can call it a “rookie card. Its value is beyond comprehension. I called the Boston Police Department one day a few years ago to inquire about it's value. As soon as I mentioned the ticket, the cop I was talking to started acting extremely sketchy. I heard a lot of talking in the background, and I was transferred to some detective, who started asking me a ton of questions. I heard somebody say what sounded like “trace the call” in the background, so I immediately hung up. While they haven’t caught me yet, I do hear from some of my dad’s friends that I am not allowed in the state of Massachusetts anymore. I don’t care; it’s a small price to pay for all the joy these tickets have given me. The only bad part about my collection is that if I ever sell it, I’m going to jail!