Philip Morris: More addictive than heroin...or pussy!

Kraft Foods is owned by Philip Morris International, the cigarette company. This is extremely odd, because you wouldn’t expect a company that makes cigarettes to also make food. I wonder if they make Kraft Cheese in the exact same factory as they stuff and roll the cigarettes? What would happen then?


What if some tobacco got into the cheese, so when someone is making a cheese fondue tobacco gets in the sauce so the people that eat it end up getting addicted, and start eating huge bowls of cheese fondue every night while they watch American Idol. The more they ate, the more they would become dependent on it. They would start eating it more and more until it became so essential to their daily routine that they would start using it for other things; they would start drinking fondue to wash down their cheese fondue. They might love it so much that they start watering their plants with it, and pouring some into their pets water dish and in their children’s’ kiddy-pool; maybe they will even use it to replace the water in the fish tank. There is no telling how far these fondue loving freaks will take their addiction. This fondue epidemic will cause demand to skyrocket. These peoples’ addiction might get so bad that, after they finish their fondue-stic meal, they go take a fondue bath in the hot tub in their bedroom. You would think Philip Morris would be all about this, as their profits would soar. They might overtake Wal-Mart and the oil companies as the most profitable company in America. They can cross market and combine products from all of their various subsidiaries; not just with cheese, but with other products as well.

It would just be a travesty if Philip Morris International, the World’s Largest Cigarette Maker, did not take advantage of this enormous advantage they have over other snack food companies. Kraft Foods is a huge conglomerate of snack food, candy and soda companies; basically, all the shit that isn’t good for you. Kraft owns Cadbury, Oscar Mayer, Philadelphia, Maxwell House, Nabisco and Cote d’Or, amongst others. Those are just the snack foods, too. Kraft also owns Schweppes, Sunkist, Canada Dry and Snapple drink companies. You can argue that Kraft is single-handedly responsible for the obesity problem in America. Add Philip Morris and its tobacco products to the equation, and this Corporation kills more people every year than Cancer and AIDS combined. Imagine if Philip Morris got really ruthless, and started introducing products combining various items from both divisions of their “We’ll kill you slowly” empire? Let’s brainstorm some possibilities, shall we?

Imagine if Philip Morris started producing cigarettes flavored like your favorite snack treats. This cutting edge marketing scheme is sure to attract new customers. People would buy cigarettes simply for the yummy taste of their favorite snack, even if they don’t smoke. Let’s first look at Nabisco, who makes, among other things, Planters Peanuts, Chips Ahoy, Nutter Butters, Oreos, Ritz Crackers and Teddy Grahams. Imagine now if you went to your corner store to buy some milk and when you got up to the counter you saw Nutter Butter flavored cigarettes! You would surely get a pack, out of curiosity if nothing else. This idea is mind-boggling; creating a cigarette so that, when a person inhales, instead of disgusting smoke, which tastes like they put your mouth on the tailpipe of an 18-wheeler, they instead taste delicious peanut butter. If they aren’t a fan of peanut butter, they can get a pack of Oreo cigarettes. What a snack this would be!

Let’s go beyond this, though. Maybe the person buying milk is also starving, and a simple snack food won’t satisfy their hunger. In cases like this, they can choose to get Oscar Meyer brand cigarettes! Who doesn’t like Hot Dogs? I’ll tell you who Communists! Any person who doesn’t like Hot Dogs is either lying, or a bloody Commy Bastard! After inhaling a few delicious Furter-ettes, your mouth will feel like you were just at a Barbecue.

As if Triscuits weren't addictive enough

Philip Morris doesn’t just make cigarettes, they also produce smokeless tobacco. If this new concept is also used on dip, then those consumers who enjoy a nice dip every once in awhile would be able to choose from a wide variety of new flavors; rather than the same old, boring Mint, Cherry, Wintergreen or straight. They can now choose from the likes of flavors such as Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Dip, Ritz Bitz Dipz, Kraft cheese and macaroni-Holy Moly! Chewing tobacco. It wouldn’t be artificial flavoring cheese either, because Philip Morris owns both these products. The flavoring in the dip would be actual Mac and cheese mix, just like in those famous blue boxes. It would be like putting the cheese-covered noodles themselves under your lip. Besides Mac and cheese, Kraft also owns Philadelphia Brands, which produces Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Now while it is rare to find someone who eats Cream Cheese by itself, it is just as rare to find someone who doesn’t enjoy spreading it on bagels or other items.

This leads to the third part of this possible marketing campaign, which is switching it around, and putting tobacco in the other products sold by Philip Morris. The only thing better than spread cream spread on a bagel for someone who enjoys tobacco products is cream cheese loaded with nicotine spread on a bagel. This will both satisfy the person’s hunger and please their craving for a smoke. This saves them time and aggravation. Maybe they don’t have a lighter, or they take the bus to work where they can’t smoke. I don’t know many buses that don’t let their passengers eat bagels; the driver and other passengers will be none the wiser.

The soda companies which are part of the Philip Morris Empire add a whole new dimension to the tobacco-loving public. Imagine being able to drink a cigarette? How much fun would that be? Just be chillin’ on the couch, watching Sportscenter, drinking your Diet Sunkist Menthol flavored carbonated beverage. Every sip tastes like you just take a pull from a cigarette after taking a swig of soda. You will be even more refreshed than if it were just a boring soda…and you will look just as cool taking a swig of this soda as you would taking a drag of a cigarette.

Mac & Cheese breaks might soon replace the cigarette 
break- making all offices more productive, yet messier.

The product that has the potential to be the best-selling food item in the whole world is Maxwell House Coffee with nicotine. This is because Americans drink more coffee than any other country in the world. People who smoke cigarettes also drink coffee, for the most part. For many people, a coffee with a cigarette is breakfast. Also consider that coffee has caffeine, which in itself is addicting. If you add nicotine to this, the levels of addiction in this product have the possibility of being astronomical. Parents who drink tobacco-laced coffee might start selling sexual favors, their belongings…even their children for more if they run out. Ni-coffee will hit the world by storm; much like Hot Pockets did TV dinners did when they first came out.

Now you may be saying “What if I like blowing smoke out my mouth?” Well, fear not my human smoke stack friend, as I’m sure Philip Morris will think of that. With their infinite knowledge…and money, they are sure to produce food that not only is addicting like cigarettes, but also produces smoke when it is swallowed. Wouldn’t it be totally awesome to blow smoke rings after eating a handful of Planters peanuts? You would be the talk of the party if you were able to blow smoke out your mouth that smelled…and tasted like Easter after eating a Cadbury Egg- yet another subsidiary of Kraft. Everyone would want to know how you just did that. They would crowd around you like you’re a Magician, and demand you tell them your secret- which you won’t, because you want them to keep coming back. Instead you keep eating your Cadbury egg, blowing out sweet, delicious, thick, milk-chocolatey clouds of smoke that gets everyone around you wanting a candy bar. The possibilities are endless.

As you can see, this possible future marketing concept has a lot to offer, both for the consumer in terms having a better selection to choose from, and for Philip Morris, who has a potential Cash Cow on their hand. If they decide to start milking this cow remains to be seen…