Wet Fantasies of Sports Gambling

I love gambling, it makes sports so much more exciting. Gambling has the unique abillity to make a person- a person who's favorite football team just lost by a field goal with no time remaining mind you, jump for joy because the kicker who made the field goal which caused his team to lose happens to be on his fantasy football team. 

Does this seem sacrilegious to anyone else? It’s not right, but people root much harder, and are so much more passionate about sports, when gambling is involved. It’s not often that a meaningless 3-pointer as the clock expires in a college basketball blowout game ignites a ferocious cheer from someone. That someone, however, had money on the game, and that meaningless three-pointer caused the team he bet on to cover the spread, winning him money. It is funny, though, to see someone start cheering and waving their hands around wildly after some dude from Wichita State hit a trey at the buzzer, causing his team to only lose by 16, not 19.

A favorite past time of Sports gamblers is fantasy sports, especially fantasy football! While I play every year, and am always in multiple leagues, I can honestly say that I hate fantasy football!!! I spend more time analyzing stats and figuring out who to start every week than I do sleeping, shitting and eating combined. Most of the time, when I do find time to shit or eat, you can bet your ass I am analyzing stats while doing them.  Even when I am sleeping, I am not safe from its total consumption of my life. I am most likely having nightmares about a guy I benched scoring 40 pts...and losing my weekly matchup because of it. No matter how long I spend analyzing stats, weather and injury reports I still end up starting the wrong guys.

In the future, I am just going to have 8 people total on my team. Just 8, so everyone starts. This way, I don't beat myself up, pull my hair out, waste time, lose sleep, cause a strained family life, get served with divorce papers, lose child custody, or lose my job, all because I spend all my time online trying to figure out who to start. I figure that, with the time I am spending reviewing my roster, looking at the waiver wire, checking my matchups, checking my opponents' matchups, proposing and accepting trades, and studying rotoworld.com, amongst other things, I will still only be getting around $.25 an hour...and that's if I win the league. This hardly seems worth it. A quarter an hour? This is what my grandmother used to give me on my birthday when I was a kid. I am 32 now! I could spend 20 minutes rummaging through the cushions of my couch, or feeling around under the seats of my car and I could find more. I could have gotten a part-time job washing dishes, sweeping floors, or maybe even cleaning out those beat-off booths that they have at porn shops for the amount of time I spent checking my teams, and I would have made much more money. If I only have enough players to start, it takes all the stress and aggravation out of it. I won't have to beat myself up and curse out loud because I started the wrong guy.

I will also be able to spend my time in a productive way. Maybe I can read a book, or two. Maybe I can write a book or two. I can catch up on my DVR'd shows, or go watch a movie. I have always loved kids, so maybe, with all this extra time I would have, I could go out and make one, or at least fill out the paperwork to adopt. The options are endless. All I need to do is drop the 6 or 7 guys on my bench and I will at last be free! I might not win the league, but I might be able to at least finish second or third. Although I wouldn't have the same bragging rights as I would had I won the league, I would still be able to talk shit to the other 13 people in the league who finished behind me. That's good enough for me. 

I am overweight, balding, have no job, am out of shape, am $40,000 in debt and I live with my parents. I haven't had a serious girlfriend in half a decade and have not gotten laid in so long that I think my virginity has grown back. Needless to say, I have other, more important things to worry about than whether Robert Meachem is due for a breakout game against the Cowboys...like if Michael Turner will be ready to play in time for kickoff!!!!

My favorite gamblers' pasttime, however, is definitely the Super Bowl Squares. These things are a fucking riot. Did you ever pay attention to the conversations as guys are discussing what needs to happen for them to win, its hilarious. They are like "Yo, if Cleveland scores a touchdown, has the extra point blocked, but recovers an onside kick, and kicks a field goal, then Denver returns the kickoff for a touchdown....then Cleveland runs out of their own endzone and takes a safety, then intercepts a pass and immediately kicks a 98 yard field goal as time expires, I will win. That is, unless the Browns muff the onside kick and Denver returns it for six. I need Cleveland to miss the extra point though, or, better yet, I want Cleveland to kick the extra point for Denver’s Touchdown!! Yes, they can do that, cant they? That way, Denver gets 6 and Cleveland gets 1! I am gonna read the rule book to see if they can do that, I don’t see why they can’t.” Then, as time passes by in the quarter, their plans get more and more far-fetched, until, when there is under a minute left, they start mixing up sports and talk about free throws and penalty kicks. Their looks get glimmer and glimmer. More than anything, I love when some cocky asshole is winning the whole quarter, only to see the other team like kick a meaningless field goal at the end of the half so they lose. They go fucking crazy. They’re like "That’s fucking bullshit man, that’s not even legal. My brother used to fuck Bill Parcell’s third cousin, I’m gonna have his job, man!" Fucking priceless I tell you.