150 Years for Bernie?!

I want to start by saying that I am not at all shocked that Bernie Madoff received the stiffest sentence ever for a white-collar criminal. Of all the countless corporate and Wall Street swindlers, he was by far the most devious and dishonest. Thousands of hard-working people saw their entire savings and retirement accounts wiped out due to his decades-long scam. This heartless piece of trash deserves whatever punishment he received.

While I am very glad justice was served and he is going to prison, I am a little confused about the length of his sentence. Mr. Madoff received 150 years in Federal Prison as a result of his crimes. This seems a little much, especially considering that the guy is already 71 years old. I mean, 20 years would be sufficient. I highly doubt he would live past the age of 91 if incarcerated.  Even if Madoff does survive another sixty years in prison, which would make him the oldest person to ever live, that still leaves ninety years on his term. The sentence imposed on him was 150 years, without possibility of parole. When Mr. Madoff does finally die, whether that day is in ten years… or sixty, his prison sentence still won’t be over. What happens then? Is his body immediately buried? I would think that releasing him from prison, even post mortem, would be a violation of the judge’s ruling, and therefore illegal. Burying Madoff’s body might result in more people going to jail for disobeying a court order. No one wants this!

The only other option would be to leave his corpse behind bars until his sentence is up. This raises a few issues. The first issue is that his body will smell like 6-month old lunchmeat, left out in the sun, after only a few days. I can’t imagine what it would smell like after many years left out in the open, decomposing, and eventually, disintegrating. The stench will no doubt be unbearable. This would definitely be considered cruel and unusual punishment for the other prisoners locked up with him. It would also be a cause for a grievance by any correctional officers who had to work in the facility. I am sure the stench of the rotting carcass of an old man is very comparable to the toxic fumes that the workers of Chernobyl were forced to breathe in for years. Hundreds of the individuals who worked in the Russian nuclear plant died prematurely or suffered severe physical or mental ailments as a result of the air pollution caused by the most famous nuclear meltdown in history. While not as severe, I highly doubt that breathing in of oxygen tainted with the stench of decomposing organs does much to increase the lifespan of an individual.  The presence of his body, however, will probably deter anyone from breaking the law; for fear that their prison sentence will include front row seats to Madoff’s corpse going through Rigor Mortis. Unlike Alcatraz, I don’t think the prison where Bernie’s body is will become a tourist attraction.

Still though, leaving the body to rot in prison is not an option. The lawsuits the state will face from guards and lawyers would be astronomical. There has to be another option on what to do with Bernie Madoff.  Going back and forth on this topic has caused me to come to an alternate conclusion on why Madoff received so stiff a sentence. Bernie Madoff has to go to prison for 150 years because the judge thinks he would live through a lighter term. A life sentence is 80 years. If Madoff lived through one life-term, he would be 151 years old at the time it ended. Since the oldest human ever only lived to be 122, this means that the judge believes that Bernie Madoff may indeed be a supernatural being.

I think that people like Madoff get issued obscenely long prison sentences- much longer than the average human is expected to live, just in case the person happens to be a non-human entity, like maybe a vampire…or a Jedi. Both these races have very long life spans. If a vampire got sentenced to a life term in prison, they would laugh at you. 80 years is the blink of an eye for them. Puberty alone takes 150 years for a Jedi. It takes over a century for a vampire’s fangs to completely grow in. Dracula waited for the tooth fairy until he was 300 years old.

Is Bernie hiding something else from us?

I believe that prison sentences of over 80 years are to protect the general public from future problems with the guilty party should they indeed be a blood-sucking vampire…or a light saber-toting Jedi. I mean, nobody wants a vampire running around, causing trouble in the community. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few nice vampires throughout history. Leslie Nielson’s character in Dracula: Dead and Loving It seemed like a cool guy. Also, the older brother from The Lost Boys ended up saving the day, so I don’t want to bad mouth an entire race. For the most part, though, vampires seem to be pretty mean.

Jedi's are even worse. Ever since Senator Palpatine and Darth killed my boy Mace Windu, the Jedi coolness factor has taken a severe hit. I mean, seriously, Luke Skywalker? Not only is the name gay, but he is a tool! C’mon, an orphan farm boy who constantly heard voices in his head, claimed to talk to dead people and desperately wanted to fuck his own sister is proclaimed to be the savior of the universe?  I am glad that universe is far, far away. People like that don’t belong on public streets. Well, other than in West Virginia, where it’s a prerequisite.

It is because of ass clowns like Luke Ass-bumper that all Jedi should be locked up for life. I am sure that is where these multiple life-term sentences stem from. Just in case the person sentenced is a Jedi or a vampire, they will be locked up for awhile so they will not be able to hurt us again.  Is Bernie Madoff one of these creatures? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not 100% sure he isn’t, so why chance it? Lock his ass up for 250 years if you want, just keep him off our streets.

This Dracula was nice as far as vampires go.

One disturbing question I have is “What happens when his term is over?” Does he just get to leave prison and get on with the same life he led before being indicted? Say Jedi Master Madoff spends the next 150 years in prison, watching Wheel of Fortune, making license plates, and getting the occasional ass-pounding. After his century-and-a-half of punishment is over, does he get to collect his belongings, say goodbye to his gang friends, and leave? Would he tell the guards “Thanks for everything, guys. “, and just walk out? I wonder if he would get the same treatment as other ex-cons getting released from prison”. After 150 years behind bars, would the Department of Corrections still put him up in a cockroach-infested apartment and get him a job bagging groceries? Would he still have to report to a parole officer, or would he have a clean slate? Questions like this need to be answered before Madoff’s prison term ends in 2159.  If Lord Madoff is indeed a free man afterwards, would he indeed get a fresh start? 150 years from now, would he still be thought of as the monster he is today? Would people in the future remember who he was? I would hope the former, but people have really short memories. What if, after he gets out of prison, he finds that his grocery bagging job can’t pay the bills. What if, like many ex-convicts, he finds himself resorting back to his life of crime? Would people in the 22nd century fall for his scheme again, or would they learn from the mistakes we made? I would like to think so, but I am afraid for our future. People are stupid, and I would not be surprised if he duped us again should he get out. That is why we should have executed him. Since Jedi and vampires have different weaknesses, the executors would need to both stab him in the heart with a stake and slice him in half with a light saber. I am pretty confident this would do the job. Just in case, though, I would stock up on garlic and holy water, just in case he decides to come after you.