They Sodomized me Like a Freshman Girl!

I have been out of college 10 years, and I still miss it! The four years I spent at Alfred University were the best of my life. I will cherish them forever. After I graduated, I used to come back and visit a few times a year. I would hang out with old buddies and relive my glory days. These trips were always the highlight of my month....This all changed in 2002.

That’s when AU, in an act of unforgivable betrayal, disbanded Greek Organizations. They needed a scapegoat for an incident where a student died, and Fraternities were chosen as the fall guys. Greeks were blamed; even though the student didn’t die at a frat party, or even in a frat house. The simple fact that he was a member of a fraternity was enough reason for the whole Fraternal Institution at AU to take the blame. The University had wanted to get rid of Greeks for years, but didn’t have a good enough reason to justify this decision to their alumni. This incident was the perfect opportunity.

The Fraternal System was abolished because AU wanted to shed its image as a party school. The rampant drinking and drug use on campus caused the school to acquire the nickname “All-Fried University”. This moniker was not a flattering label for a school that marketed itself as having a great academic reputation. With Greeks gone, AU could foster an environment that attracted students who intended on spending the majority of their college years actually in the library, rather than in the bar bathroom hugging the toilet bowl. While this sounds like a noble idea, academic schools normally offer alternative activities for students that don’t involve alcohol. Alfred is a one-stoplight, cow town where absolutely nothing goes on. There is no mall; no big movie theatre; no museums or aquariums; no shows of any sort, and, outside of school teams, no sporting events. Watching school teams wouldn’t be so bad if they were competitive, but most of AU’s Varsity teams aren’t even good.

With no frat houses, and few places to hang out, what are students supposed to do on weekends? Drive to the booming metropolis of Hornell and rent a movie from the video store that only carries Bill Pullman films? Travel 45 minutes to go shopping at the mall in Horseheads? Maybe they will want to cross the border into Pennsylvania and hang out with the Amish folk! If the student doesn’t have a car, these aren’t even options. These students are forced to stay on campus, where they can… uhm… drink excessively, experiment with random drugs and/or have sex with as many people as possible. If I left something out please let me know, but I doubt it! When I went Alfred ,this is all I did. My favorite nights were when all three of these occurred. I used to call those Thursdays!

The banishment of Greeks will do nothing to stop students from drinking. They are teenagers: experiencing life away from home for the first time. They have no parents yelling at them for staying out too late; they have no curfew; and they no longer have to wake up at 6:45 AM to catch a school bus. Of course they are going to try new things; maybe even get drunk from time to time; that’s what young people do.

ALFRED UNIVERSITY;

set in the Alleghany Mountains

If there are no Frat Houses, the students will just find somewhere else to drink; probably their dorm room. This would place all the liability on the college. When Greeks threw parties, they carried all responsibility if someone drank too much or got injured. This is why every brother always looked out for potentially dangerous or violent situations. If they saw one, it was stopped immediately, before the situation got out of hand or someone got hurt. If students drink in their room, unsupervised, anything can happen. The only “authority figure” is a Resident Advisor, who does rounds every few hours, if that. I shouldn’t have to tell anyone that a lot can happen in a few hours.

Fraternities have a long and storied tradition at AU, having been around since 1918. The decision to eliminate them after 85 years is like King Alfred spitting in the face of everyone who ever pledged; especially people, like myself, who were current students or recent graduates. We were robbed of countless great times we would have otherwise experienced. Active Greek students were forced out of their house prematurely. This is like a baby’s umbilical cord being severed from its mother while still in the womb. The house was everything for them. It provided food, shelter, companionship, entertainment, along with everything else they needed. With one wave of a pen by President Coll, these proud students were turned into homeless orphans;  unwanted by the school to which they gave so much money.

I can only imagine how these students felt. If I was still a student when Greeks were shut down, I would have been devastated. I would have spent the entire semester wandering around like a lost soul, searching desperately to find another place where I belonged. I definitely would have transferred at the end of the year, as did many people to whom this happened.

Outsiders don’t understand that once a person pledges a house, the Greek lifestyle quickly consumes them. It becomes all they know. The majority of Greeks end up living in their fraternity house. Once they move in, they rarely leave- except for class. Their days and nights are filled with house functions. The only people they hang out with are their brothers. This way of life is not forced upon them, it just happens.

During my freshman year, I had many friends who I hung out with regularly. However, once I pledged, I stopped fraternizing with anyone who wasn’t part of my house. This wasn’t because I didn’t like them anymore, or was forbidden to associate with non-brothers. On the contrary, I always had a warm greeting for these people whenever our paths crossed. I just never saw them. After I pledged, all I knew was the house. My brothers became my family. We shared a bond no one but us can possibly understand. We were members of the same fraternity, and all that entailed. Also, all of us made the very unique decision to spend our college years in Alfred, NY- which is a very unique experience unto itself.

Frat brothers in Alfred had a very tight bond, much stronger than at most colleges. Nothing ever goes on there, so we all just hung out with each other, doing anything we could to entertain ourselves. Cards, movies, video games, beers, porn and bong smoking were favorite past-times. Every now and then, we would go on road trips to various places; partly for fun, partly just because we needed to get out of town. All of us shared many memories, both good and bad. We laughed with each other in the best of times, and consoled one another during the worst of times. You spend almost every waking minute with someone for four years and they become almost an extension of you. I think of my fraternity brothers in much the same way that a grizzled military veteran thinks of his war buddies. In many ways, these situations are similar.

Both boot camp and pledging turns teenagers from naïve children into mature, battle-hardened men. Most new cadets and college freshmen are living away from home for the first time, far away from where they grew up. The majority of them don’t know anyone, and all are terrified of what the future holds. In addition, both Greek pledge classes and army platoons are composed of a very diverse group of people; who hail from all over the globe. These individuals are of all different races, colors, and sizes. They have contrasting customs, morals, and religious beliefs. Sometimes they don’t even speak the same language. Also, throughout their respective initiations, both pledges and cadets must endure severe physical, emotional, and psychological trauma on their journey to becoming full-fledged members of their chosen institutions. They are required to do many things they are not proud of; they must swallow their pride on a daily basis. All of this is done to earn the respect and approval of their superiors, who are the ones who decide whether or not to let these “maggots” into their distinguished organization.

The similarities continue even after their initiation is over. The disturbing things soldiers see and do during wartime is much like the outlandish activities fraternity brothers participate in during pledging. Not surprisingly, neither group likes talking about these experiences after the fact, as they bring up too many bad memories.

The individuals who go through these rites of passage together are forced to put aside their differences and work together as a team. They learn to trust each other and depend on one another for support, encouragement, even survival. They know that they are all each other have.

While brothers could still hang out with each other after the banishment, it just wasn’t the same. The house was the glue that held this unique bond that these men shared together. When this “glue” was ripped off, everything fell apart and scattered in different directions. The house provided everyone with a routine. A routine is what everyone strives for in life. Without one, a person is forced to find other things to do to occupy their time. These new things are often dangerous and/or illegal, and usually result in chaos, confusion, hysteria and trouble. Even though the Greek houses gave the University many headaches over the years, they prevented even more by giving house members something and some place to keep them occupied, and out of harm’s way. With this safety net gone, the people who normally would be playing cards peacefully in their room at 10 PM might now be doing much more troublesome or illegal, things. This makes life much worse for everyone involved.

For active members of Greek houses, AU basically made them orphans. Overnight, they were stripped of their identity and robbed of the house they loved. They shed blood, sweat and tears to become a member of an institution, and now couldn’t even reap the benefits of all these sacrifices. All the horrid things they did during pledging were for nothing. It’s pointless being a frat brother at a school with no Greek system. That’s like being an Alpha Male in a Gay Pride Parade. They feel out of place, extremely uncomfortable and have no one with whom to relate. The people around them have no idea who they are, or why they’re there. They’re an outsider; from a world that no one around them understands.

Recent graduates got shafted just as bad. While they got to enjoy their undergrad years as a Greek, they were robbed of their alumni rights. That’s when they come back to the house after leaving AU to relax, and act like a college kid again. They leave their nagging wife and whining kids for a weekend, and resort to the juvenile behavior from their not so distant past. They party like they’re 18, hook up with freshmen, sleep until noon, and leave carnage in their wake, just like they did as undergrads. Also, alums got a great deal of respect around the frat house; probably more than in their own household. The pledges would act as their personal whipping boys, at who they could take out all their frustrations from their job, their spouse, their kids, or anything else that was stressing them out in their shitty life. To be robbed of this opportunity is tragic.

Financially, this decision has proven to be a disaster for AU. Alfred University is hurting for cash right now. Alumni donations have dropped drastically since 2002. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say that this reduction in alumni support is due in a large part to how Alfred handled the whole Greek situation.

The University fails to realize that alumni come back to Alfred to party and catch up with old friends. They don’t come back to study at Herrick Library or to read their old professor’s syllabuses for the current semester. Frat houses are where the alumni hung out during the day. Even if a person didn’t pledge anywhere, they had friends who did. With those gone, alumni needed to find somewhere else to go. In a small town like Alfred, their choices are very limited. The bars don’t open until the afternoon, and I highly doubt President Coll will invite them all over his house for tea and crumpets and sing the Alma Mater. While trying to be known as an academic school has its merits, it is not very polite, not to mention extremely bad business, to burn bridges with the people who are the lifeline of the University.

Last I knew, at least 8 of the 11 members on the AU Board of Trustees were members of a Fraternity when in college. So, literally and figuratively, Greeks ran that school. Greek alumni have donated the most money, completed the most community service, and pumped more money into the Alfred Community than any other group of alumni. Also, Greeks were the reason many students didn’t transfer. If a person was in a fraternity, they tended to stay at Alfred longer than other students, on average. Being Greek meant being part of a team. One’s brothers were like family. You don’t leave your family. Also, being Greek meant having status. No matter where someone pledged, they had a certain degree of eminence around campus. Other people knew who they were. This is a hard thing for someone to leave on the table if they were to leave. People like to feel important, it makes them feel good about themselves. No matter if you were a brother at KE, Delta, Klan or anywhere else; people knew who you were.

Even if you didn’t pledge anywhere, students remained at Alfred because of the social life, which was maintained by the Greeks. Greek parties were someplace a person could meet up with their friends, hang out and have a good time. If nothing else, Fraternities provided countless hours of entertainment for the student body.

While many alumni came back on celebration weekends, Greek alums came back all the time. This is because they had someplace to stay. Alfred only has two hotels. On big weekends, like Homecoming and Hot Dog Day, these hotels are booked up months in advance. If one was a brother somewhere, this didn’t concern them. They could literally decide to go to Alfred that day and have a place to stay. Also, because they saved money on room and board, they spent more elsewhere.

Greek alumni pumped tens of thousands of dollars into the local Alfred Community every semester. Although GJ’s and Alex’s made the biggest killing, every business in town benefited greatly from the massive amounts of alums that hoarded into Alfred on any given weekend. As much as they may not admit it, the University made out best of all. The alumni donations they received during these weekends paid for everything from Campus Bookstore supplies and building repairs to paying the Professors’ salaries. After everything Greek alumni have done for the University, this is how their generosity was repaid?! Over 80 years of proud history was just thrown away like week-old leftovers.

The once booming KA house, looking all desolate and worn down.

Since 2002, alumni turnout has not been the same. Currently, on those big celebration weekends, the once-packed Alfred streets are now almost bare. There might as well be a dustbowl blowing by. Up until recently, AU was considered a wealthy school. It was always supported well by alumni. This is why their financial aid packages were always so enticing. A significant portion of the money donated was used to lower the out-of-pocket tuition cost for students. This aid was the most attractive feature about the college. That’s why the majority of students decided to attend, myself included. We certainly didn’t choose to spend our college years in Alfred, NY because of the nice weather, good-looking locals or the fantastic nightlife.

Due to the significant decrease in alumni support, AU has been forced to lower the amount of financial aid its students receive. This is the main reason why enrollment is down. The school is desperate for cash. They always call alumni to beg for money so their power doesn’t get shut off. It’s sad, really. They might as well start holding telethons and fundraisers and rename themselves PBS-U. Many of my fellow Greeks actually told the University to take them off their contact list. They want nothing to do with the school anymore. I can’t say I blame them.

Besides enrollment being way down, the transfer rate is way up. This is a worse combination than mixing light and dark beer. Not only are students not choosing to attend AU, but those who do leave after only a year or so. This costs the University millions of dollars every year in lost revenue. These students transfer because there is nothing to do in that town, especially now that Greeks are gone. Living in Alfred is like being grounded. You aren’t allowed to have any fun, unless you sneak out. If you are caught having a good time, you are punished. It’s sad that things are so bad there now, especially since, only ten years before, I was enjoying the best years’ of my life.

These are just a few of the reasons why many alumni want nothing to do with AU anymore. It’s not normal for a person to despise their Alma Mater so much that the mere mention of it makes them dry heave. Everyone should love the college they graduated from, as these years’ are a very important time in one’s life. College is where one finds out what they want to do when they grow up. It’s where they find contacts to help them start careers in their chosen profession. For people who grew up in a small town, or led a cultured life, college is where they are exposed to diversity, both culturally and socially. More importantly than that, college is supposed to be the best time of a person’s life. It’s where they do most of their growing up, and find out who they are as a person. They learn important survival skills, like how to live off $30 a month, the best hangover remedies, and how many days leftover pizza is safe to eat. College kids know 40 ways to serve Ramon Noodles. They know that you can live off beer and cigarettes for exactly 3 days before they start tripping out. It is also where many people learn that there are sexual positions besides missionary, and that girls are much more willing to go home with you, and much more open to doing kinky shit once there, if they are very inebriated. College is where young people experiment with different things, both socially and sexually- either to see if they like it, or just to say that they tried it. The only other place where someone can learn key survival skills like these are the boy scouts!

Most important of all, college is where a person meets many lifelong friends, and, oftentimes, the person they will marry. With these, plus many more, fond memories of a place, it’s got to take A LOT for that person to hate it so much. Alfred has managed to do this. To this day, I don’t say I graduated Alfred University in 1999, I say I graduated Klan Alpine …magna cum laude.

It’s handling of the whole Greek situation, and the fact that it resides in such a nothing town aren’t the only reason I hate Alfred University. They do nothing to help graduates find a job once they are out of school. They just take their money for 4 years, then its good riddance. Every job I ever got I found myself. I left AU with no clue whatsoever on how to find a job. I assumed all I had to do was go to the Career Development Center, give them a resume, and they would hook me up with an interview somewhere. This may have been extremely naïve, but what did I know? The only jobs ever got involved going to the location and filling out an application. I never needed a suit before. All I knew about in terms of employment attire were nametags and aprons. The only thing I ever used a computer for was video games. I was used to watching sexual harassment videos on the job, not the stock market. I was clueless, and AU did nothing to prepare me for the real world. I did learn about the material in the classes I took, but I learned nothing about how to get a job. AU did not offer classes on interviewing, resume building or job searching. The Career Development Center at AU is in a tiny building at the top of a big ass hill, the highest non-residential building on campus. The people who worked there weren’t much help to me, either. I was provided no leads, no career counseling, and little advice on where to look for jobs. The only reason I found a job is because I saw a TV commercial for Monster.com, and decided to post my resume there. Once you graduate, you mean nothing to the University, except when they need money, then they call you so often one would think you two were dating. The jobs I have gotten since I graduated I owe to my own hard work looking diligently for employment. I also owe a debt of gratitude to my fraternity brothers, who have found me employment a few times over the years. They were there for me when AU wasn’t. I have called AU when I was out of work, hoping for some assistance, but my calls were never returned. I tell my frat brothers I’m unemployed, and they take action! They make some phone calls, talk to their employer, and check the help wanted section in their local paper to see if any work is available. They do this despite the fact that they have families, wives, children and lives of their own. That’s how deep and true our bond is.

I might someday go back to AU again to see old friends and hang out for a weekend, but I will never consider myself an Alfred University alumnus. I will never give them money, no matter how much I have to spare. I would sooner light my cigarettes with $100 bills, or wipe my ass with my paycheck than give a cent to Alfred University. AU means about as much to me as my grandmother’s douche bag. Actually, I take that back. My grandmother’s douche bag at least had a use at some point.