It was the summer of 2001. I was in Buffalo for the wedding of one of my fraternity brothers. This wedding had a lot to live up to, being that it was the union of the two dirtiest people I had ever met. I expected someone to either die, or get knocked up at the wedding; if there wasn’t at least one orgy I would have been sorely disappointed. Seriously, if you crammed every sexual partner of either the bride or the groom into one place, you could have filled the Rose Bowl. As high as the expectations were for the weekend to have a ridiculously crazy time, it proved up to the task...ten times over!
The wedding reception was very memorable, and there was sex and craziness everywhere. 5 of the 6 groomsmen got laid the night of the wedding. The only one who didn’t was, ironically, the only one who actually had a girlfriend. One of the groomsmen actually had sex with 2 bridesmaids in the same night. It was hilarious, they were fighting over him in the elevator, almost coming to blows. What made this funnier is that the two girls were sorority sisters!
At the reception there was not one sober person in the room. When I say that I really mean it. NO ONE WAS SOBER. Even the old people were laughing and getting crazy. Guys were dropping their pants; wearing ties around their heads and getting their freak on. I myself did the dolphin, you prolly call it The Worm, on the dance floor; this started a tradition that lasted 6 years! As crazy as this reception was, the truly outlandish time was the Thursday before- 2 days before the wedding.
I had gotten in town a few days early for the wedding. I, along with my pledge brothers Z and Wimp, and Johnny Fast-times (JFT) - another of my frat brothers, all decided to go out on Chippewa Street in Buffalo. Most people going to the wedding were not in town yet, so it was just the 4 of us. The night started out innocent enough, and none of us planned on getting too crazy. We went out around 9 or so.
Both Z and Wimp were from Buffalo, so we ran into a few of their friends in the first bar we went to. After talking to their friends for a few minutes, they came back to Johnny and me. Over the next hour, a few more people also came up to them to say hi and what not. The 4 of us left bar 1 and went next door to another place. Z and Wimp knew everyone there, too. Johnny and I could not even have a conversation with them because their Buffalo friends kept on coming up. Finally, after yet another friend dragged the 2 of them over to the bar to do shots, me and Johnny had had enough. “Fuck those guys!”, I said. “Let’s go off on our own.” Johnny, not wanting to be stuck by himself, agrees.
The two of us bolt, and go next door to another club. We drink a beer and leave, as the place is dead. We go to another bar down the street. After ordering a beer here, JFT brings up the idea that we should drink a beer in every street on Chippewa. There are like 10-15 bars on Chippewa, and we are both already like 10 deep. Since I am just catching a buzz, and I like challenges, I agree.
We go to our 3rd bar- the 5th overall, and order a beer. I have yet to piss, so I excuse myself to find the bathroom. There is a line, and I almost piss myself by the time I get in there. Now pissing out 10 beers takes awhile, so I must have been gone like 15 minutes or so, counting the wait. When I get back, my trusted sidekick for the night is nowhere to be found. His beer is gone too. I grab my brew and sit at the bar to wait, figuring he stepped out for a cigarette or to make a phone call or something. 10 minutes go by and my beer is gone- still no JFT. Upset, I go outside and look around, but see no sign of him. I walk into the bar next door and check around for my buddy. After a few minutes of looking, and not wanting to hang out alone, I decide to head back to hotel. I start walking in the direction of where I think the hotel is. I see this grubby looking dude with tattered clothes rummaging through a garbage can.
I try to sneak by him, but he sees me and asks for some money. He claims to be a homeless Vietnam vet. Being that he was only in his early 30’s, I knew he was full of shit. I also knew, however, that I was lost and desperately needed directions. I gave him a dollar, reasoning with myself that I paid him for directions, not to support his crack habit. I ask the guy if he knows where the Holiday inn is. To my delight, he says he does, and he says that he will take me there! I am ecstatic at this point…until he leads me in the opposite direction of where all the lights are. I start to get nervous and I take out a cigarette. I hand him one, too.
I am craving some cocaine right now, and I ask him if he knows where to get any. He gets excited and says “No problem”. I ask him how far away the place is and he says its right around the corner - on the way to the hotel. I agree to follow him. There we are, walking further and further away from downtown Buffalo, towards the dark, dreary projects that reside next to them. Trying to calm down, I take out a bowl and start smoking pot. I hand my buddy the pipe and we walk on. Little did I know the adventure was just beginning…
A few blocks away, Johnny Fast-times were having his own adventure. It turns out that he had left the bar we were at after 10 minutes because he thought I had left him. He walked outside to get a hot dog from a street vendor. After getting his hot dog, Johnny asked the vendor for directions to the hotel. The vendor gave him the directions home. Excited and happy, Johnny tipped him with a crisp $10 bill. The hot dog vendor was very grateful, and he pulled a bag of ‘shrooms out of his pocket, which he proceeded to hand to my friend. “Thank you!”, Johnny said. Not being one to turn down free drugs, he shoveled the mushrooms into his mouth. After parting ways with the vendor, Johnny started wandering down the road, trying to remember the directions home. After a few blocks, he ran into a scantily clad women on the street. Not remembering where to go, JFT asked the woman how to get to the hotel. The woman said “I’ll give you directions, first I gotta do something. Turn around and make sure no one comes over here.” He obliges. Johnny guards the woman, not knowing what she is doing. When he hears water running, he looks down to see a trickle of liquid flowing past him. He turns around to see the woman squatting, grasping onto a tree, while she pisses on the sidewalk. Dumbfounded, he just stares at her. The woman sees him and pulls up her pants. “I told you not to look!”, she says. Johnny apologizes and tells her he just wants to go home. She grabs him by the arm and leads him away. Meanwhile…
Rob and his Vietnam friend are still walking further away from civilization. “Are you sure the hotel is this way?” I say. ‘Sure is” the vet says. ‘I would not steer my oldest and dearest friend wrong.” I get freaked out at this, as I did not know I was a dear friend of the man. I feel he is just setting me up. Two blocks later I had had enough. ‘Listen”, I say. “If it’s cool with you I’m just gonna go back to where I met up with you, I’ll hail a cab home or something, cuz I don’t feel comfortable. Forget about the yae” The vet assures me we are almost there and leads on…about 10 minutes later, during which I think I shit my pants 3 times, I see a woman across the street, sitting on a bench. She is no doubt a hooker. ‘Hold on!”, the vet says. He runs across the street and talks to the woman. She looks at me, and nods her head. The vet motions for me to follow them.
Not knowing where I am, I oblige. Figure I’ve come this far, might as well go all the way. They lead me to this 4 story brick building. It has bars on all the windows and is very shady looking. I follow them inside and then up the stairs. We enter this apartment and when I get inside I see two women, pregnant, sitting on the couch, smoking a crack pipe. This is weird enough, but both of them were wearing only a t-shirt! Their bare pussies were dripping all over the couch. The vet led me by them and into the kitchen of the apartment. He said “you wanted coke, right? Give me $40.” I quickly gave it to him, not wanting to be mugged. He told me to sit tight, he’d be right back. Not knowing what “sit tight” meant under these circumstances, I went back into living room and sat down on couch next to the 2 naked crack whores. We started small talk for a few minutes and I packed a bowl.
After a few minutes the Vietnam vet came back in and dropped 4 baggies of crack on the coffee table. “What the fuck is this?” I asked. “$40 in crack, just what you asked for” he said. I told him I didn’t ask for crack, I asked for cocaine. He told me he was sorry for the misunderstanding, but he could not give my money back because it was already gone. I looked on the table and, sure enough, the baggies were already ripped open. The crack whores were packing a pipe with my drugs. Not wanting to cause a scene and possibly die, I decided to go with it, and started smoking crack. Might as well get something out of my $40. Little did I know that meanwhile…
Johnny is walking further and further away from the lights. By now he is tripping face. Now in the heart of the ghetto, the girl lets go of his hand and runs into a brick building with bars on the windows (no relation to my building). Johnny starts to follow her…until a huge black man steps out from inside the building. The man points at him and says “You’re not welcome here”. Johnny freaks out and starts running. Now Johnny isn’t a small man, he’s like 250 lbs, and was a linebacker in college. Seeing him run in itself is worth the admission price. He runs for 5 minutes, until he is winded. Fucked up beyond belief cuz of the mushrooms, JFT has no idea where to go. Luckily, up ahead he sees a religious building.
“Sanctuary” he says.
Johnny runs to the church and tugs on the front door. It’s locked. He runs around to the side and tugs on the other door to no avail. Suddenly, he sees a basement door below and runs over to it. Amazingly, it opens. He runs inside the building, and then books upstairs. He hears voices from the stairwell, and busts into the room where the voices are coming from. Once inside, he sees a group of men meditating. He asks one of the men if he can tell him how to get to the Holiday Inn. The man yells at him because he has his shoes on. Johnny runs back into the stairwell, takes his shoes off and then runs back into the room. He tells the man that he has lost his way and needs guidance. It turns out that He is not in a church, but in a Hindu Mosque. The monk tells Johnny that he can’t give him guidance, but that the man in the front can. The only catch is the man in the front is meditating; he can’t be disturbed until he’s done meditating. “When will he be done?” He asks. ‘Soon.” The man says. My friend sits down in the pew…and waits.
I am still sitting on the couch with the crack whores. One of the whores looks at me and insists on repaying me for the crack. I say its ok, but she proceeds to spread her legs and rub her pussy with her finger. ‘I know what you want, you want this nice, juicy pussy” is what she said. “No, that’s ok”. I say. She kept at it, trying to seduce me; I kept on politely declining, smoking pot and drinking beer to keep from flipping out.
After about 15 minutes, I actually got horny. I started reciprocating this crack-whores flirting; before you knew it, I was actually in the bedroom with her. She already had virtually nothing on, so all she had to do was take the t-shirt off to be completely naked. I just laid down on the bed and let her do what she does best. In hindsight, It wasn’t the best idea, but under the circumstances, it was the best way for me to cut my losses.
Anyway, she blew me, it was really good too. 30 years of experience- 10 hrs a day, 7 days a week had really paid off in terms of her cock sucking ability. She definitely knew what she was doing. After splooching in her mouth, I popped up off the bed, and immediately started putting my clothes back on. I walked out of the room, and saw the other crack-whore and the Vietnam vet arguing in the living room. The Vietnam vet was upset that he wasn’t offered a blowjob like I was. The crack-whore said I was cute, and told the Vet that that’s why her friend blew me. As flattering as this was, it made me even more uncomfortable. The vet gave me a dirty look, then went into the kitchen. I followed him. When I got in there he asked me if I wanted any more drugs, I said I was broke. Not believing me, he reached into my pockets… and pulled out $20 that I had in my pocket He proceeded to put it into his pocket.. I just let him rob me; knowing that if I caused a fuss, I might not live to see the wedding. The Vietnam Veteran told me I should leave. Not one to argue, I took off. I banged into the apartment door, slamming it open. Then I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, not looking back. Once outside, I looked around, as I had no idea where the hell I was- or what time it was for that matter. Not knowing what else to do, I just started walking. Anyway I went was the right way as far as I was concerned, as it was away from this nightmare I had just lived. Meanwhile, back to Johnny…
After waiting several hours in the pew, the man Johnny has been waiting for finally stops meditating. Johnny gets up and asks him how to get home. The man tells him he has to catch a bus from out front of the Mosque. Pissed off that he wasted 3 hours for nothing, JFT storms out of the Mosque, and to the bus stop.
The bus comes awhile later and Johnny tries to get on. He has no money on him, so he gives the driver his debit card. The bus driver explains that he doesn’t take debit cards- only money. Johnny reluctantly gets off, and tried to find an ATM machine. He wanders a few blocks to a convenient store. Unfortunately, the convenient store is locked for the night. A bullet proof glass window is open to buy stuff, but no one can get in to use the ATM. A frustrated Johnny sits down on a bench and waits. Another man, in raggedy clothes, approaches him, and sits down right next to him on the bench.
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| What a sweet pad! |
Out of boredom, JFT starts talking to the man about his adventure that night. The man tells him he is amazed Johnny wasn’t killed, being where he was. So, there JFT sits for a few hours, shooting the shit with this stranger, until the convenient store finally opens at dawn. It is then that Johnny finally gets into the store to use the ATM. After getting his long-anticipated money, He calls a cab, then he sits back down on that same bench to continue talking to his new friend. The man writes his name down on a piece of paper- “Samuel Jones”. He tells Johnny that if he is ever lost in buffalo again to give him a call. To this day Johnny still has that card. Johnny, very grateful, buys the man a pack of cigarettes.
20 minutes later, the cab finally comes. Johnny tells the cabbie where to go, then gets into his story, telling the cabbie about his night. The cabbie is also amazed that He wasn’t killed. He gives Him his card that says ‘Big Bo- Cab Diver”. Johnny also still has this card to this day. Apparently, Big Bo left out the “R” in cab driver- to save money no doubt. Anyway, Johnny, having forgot the directions to the hotel, has, amazingly, remembered the address of the groom’s parents, as he was there briefly a few years ago. On the way to his destination, he sees a lone figure walking on the side of the road. ‘Holy Shit!!” says Johnny. “It’s Dirtpaw! Pull over.”
The cab pulls over and Johnny gets out. I see him out of the corner of my eye; we run toward each other like long lost lovers in a movie. I swear to god it was in slow motion. I hug him like I’ve never hugged anyone before…or since. Together we get in the cab and go to the groom’s parents’ house, where we spend the night. Both of us are shaken up, but we still manage to party the rest of the weekend like nothing happened. To this day it is the best adventure I have ever had. I am quite sure it will never be surpassed.
To read about more wacky nights of Debauchery in Buffalo, check out BUFFALO 3- BIG POPPA 0 and I GOT SODOMIZED BY A BUFFALO.
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