It was a mid-November night in 2004. Like most other nights back then, I was at my buddy Shortcake’s house. My friends Buttercup, DFG, Repeat and some nameless chick were all hanging out on a random Friday night, having a few brews, smoking some pot and shooting the shit. As what happens when people smoke pot, we all got hungry. Shortcake called and ordered 2 pizzas from a place right down the road. The guy on the phone said it would be delivered in 45 minutes. This 45 minutes turned out to be much longer. This false statement would result in one of the most horrific nights of the delivery man's life.
After an hour the pizza still wasn’t here. We were starting to actually get hungry, not just beer hungry. Shortcake called the pizza place and they said the delivery guy just left. Once again, we go back to playing cards.
Twenty minutes more go by- we call again. They say the driver is en route. We are starting to get pissed off now. We try to be understanding; we continue playing cards and drinking. By this time we are all pretty sauced up, and it’s the pizza places fault. Whatever we end up doing to the delivery guy is their fault, we all agree. They made us wait.
Twenty minutes later…we call again. We’re really pissed now, as the pizza place is literally ½ mile away. It should not take twenty minutes to get here, much less almost 2 hours. The person who answers the phone actually tells us that the driver got lost. Let me say that again. He got lost going ½ mile in a straight fucking line to deliver pizza. I could not believe they actually said that. I thought was kidding when he told me that’s what they said. It was then that I decided enough is enough. They would pay dearly for their lies. Drunk as hell by this point but still able to think straight, I came up with a good revenge idea. I just needed help from the others. We started working out all the details, still drinking, of course.
Thirty minutes later, we call again. This time they say that the driver got a flat tire. They are coming up with the most original excuses in the book, I must say. It has now been over 2 ½ hours and we still don’t have our food. After finalizing the plans we call again. We are told the guy is leaving the pizza place as we speak. We ask why he is just leaving now, when we were told he left two hours ago. They tell us that it’s a new delivery driver. The other one, they say, still has the flat tire. Wow, at least they remember their web of lies. I would have been really pissed if they came up with another excuse entirely. Anyway, we figure he has got to be a few minutes away so we start to get ready. The plan is genius. It was a total team effort. Everyone had a role. It goes as follows:
I run outside into the driveway so I am between the two parked cars. I proceed to strip down naked, even though it is about 10 degrees out and there is snow on the ground. After getting naked, I waited, crouched between the cars, waiting for the signal. Buttercup ran out to the road and waited for the delivery car. After a few minutes, he saw a car driving real slowly up the road; it appeared to be looking for something. “This has gotta be it!” he said. As the car drives up the road on its way up to the house, Buttercup points at the front door, then runs inside. He gets in just as the delivery car comes to a stop. Repeat, who saw the signal, flicks the porch light on and off 3 times. This was my signal. I could not see Buttercup from between the two cars so Repeat filled the role of the integral middle man.
As soon as the pizza guy steps onto the porch, I pop out from between the cars and start walking towards him- my cock and balls bouncing up and down like they are attached to bungee cords. The pizza guy sees me as he is walking up to the door. His eyes pop out of his head and he immediately looks away. For our entire conversation he can’t even look at me for some reason. Maybe it was the steaming pile of wang winking at him. Anyway, once in front of him I put my hands on my waist. I wiggle my knees up and down so my whole body bounces like the aftershock of an earthquake.
“Hey buddy, how they hanging?”
I ask, pun definitely intended.
“Two pies, one pepperoni, one plain?” I ask. He nods his head. Trying to get him to say something, I add “Hey buddy, we should definitely hang out sometime.”
“I’m never gonna forget this delivery!” He finally says.
I look over at the window and I see Buttercup and Repeat, faces pressed against the glass, drooling. The front door is wide open and Shortcake and that girl are in the doorway, laughing their ass off. I turn back and take the pizzas from the delivery guy. Noticeably uncomfortable, he tells me I have to sign for them. I completely forgot I paid for the pizzas with my credit card. He hands me the receipt to sign then actually asks me if I have a pen. I stare at him, wearing nothing but a pair of shoes, a shit-eating grin, and a raging hard-on, and say, without a hint of sarcasm,
“No man, no place to put one.”
The delivery guy searches clumsily for one in his pockets. Out of nowhere, DFG peeks his size 9 melon out the front door. He says, with a straight face, cool as a cucumber “Hey man, you forgot your pen.” CLASSIC! I put the pizzas down, grab the pen and, realizing the pizza dude is behind me, drop the pen on the ground.
With my hairy, fat ass right in his face, I bend over to pick it up, being sure to wiggle my ass as much as possible. For good measure, I let go an obnoxious, 15 second fart- it changes tune 3 times and smells so bad four icicles fall off the roof. Once my tune is complete, I pick up the pen and stand back up. I turn to look at the delivery guy and he is in shock. His eyes are popped out of his head; his jaw has dropped, and he is noticeably horrified. All he can do is mumble “I gotta get outta here!, I gotta get outta here!” over and over again.
I finally lean over and sign the receipt, wiggling my ass back and forth some more. Once done, I hand him the receipt, pick up the pizzas and then, as a final burn, ask him if he wants to hang with us and eat some pizza.
“I gotta get outta here” he says again.
“I hope you remember us next time” I say. He assures me once again that he will never forget this delivery. He stuffs the receipt in his pocket, and runs speed Mach 3 back to his car. I swear I have never seen a white guy run that fast. To this day that pizza place has never been late again. We definitely taught them a lesson.
I am not ashamed at all of that story. I will do anything for a laugh, and that experience is something everyone present will be laughing about for years. I would definitely do it again. Besides, that stunt made my cool rank float off the charts. Everyone wanted to hang out with me after that. I literally became a legend on that day.
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