What HELL is really like?
We all know what Hell is about from being told in church. Hell, Fire, Brimstone, Eternal Suffering, The Devil, yada yada yada. But has any of this ever been verified? I have not seen any scientific evidence supporting this claim. Hell might be completely different from all these stories. I mean, the Hell from church lore doesn’t seem all that bad. Personally, I love hot weather. To me, Hell sounds like one big beach where you can work on your tan. 24/7 This is no place for the worst of mankind to be vanquished to. This can’t be what Hell is really like. Hell should be a place that is so frightening that it makes people think twice before they sinned, for fear of spending eternity in the most terrifying place to ever exist. Hell should be somewhere that even the most hardened criminal is afraid to talk about. Hell should be a place that gives Charlie Manson nightmares, and makes Dick Cheney want to change his ways. So, I give to you, REAL HELL, told through the eyes of an actual resident. He has been dead awhile, so he will give you the real inside scoop. So, without further ado, I invite you to...Go to Hell!
Hell is a pretty organized place, like a big city. We have a Government and a Court System. It is also a Democracy, believe it or not. We actually just had an election. The Devil beat out Martha Stewart to run Hell for the next millennia. Some people think the election was fixed, as everyone knows Martha Stewart is the definition of Evil, but most of her enemies are still living, so I think the Devil won fair and square. Nonetheless, Lucifer has done a good job of cleaning the place up. We have cities, neighborhoods, schools and churches just like on the surface. The only religion allowed is Satan Worshipping, but there are different branches of it available, so there is a choice.
To clean up all these semen spills, I use dirty socks. You know how every time you do your laundry, you always have 2 or 3 socks that don’t have a match? Well, that's because all of them end up here. We send sock demons up to the surface every day to steal everyone’s socks. Dirty socks are used for everything down here, from clothing to packaging, to towels to fuel, so we need a lot of them. They are even used for condoms (rubber smells terrible when it burns). Condoms are actually the number one use of socks, as there is a lot of sex happening down here, all of it premarital, and mostly between strangers. Sex is actually forbidden once you get married, which is why you don’t see many married couples.
Before earning my current position, I was responsible for giving the senior residents of Hell sponge baths every day. I did that for many years, and I honestly don’t miss it one bit. It was just as disgusting the first day as it was the 10,000th. The only thing worse than seeing an old person naked, is having to wash and clean every inch of skin on that naked old person. I did that for around 400 years, until I got fed up one day, and ripped all the skin off Pope John Paul II, then proceeded to suffocate Anna Nicole Smith with it. That wasn't the problem. Everyone loved that part. What pissed everyone off is that, when I was trying to suffocate Anna Nicole, I accidentally knocked Adolf Hitler into a volcano, and his mustache burned off completely. Since Adolf was Satan's #2, someone had to pay. So, I got transferred. I had my choice of other jobs, but they all sucked. Among others, I could have been a door-to-door salesman, a telemarketer, a Customer Service Representative, or I could have worked at Wal Mart (Yes, We even have Wal Mart’s in Hell). I chose the sponge baths because I know how everyone hates door-to-door salesmen and telemarketers. I have a short fuse, so customer service representative was out of the question. In terms of Wal Mart, well, I might be sentenced to eternity in Hell, but that’s still better than being employed by that greedy, cheap, blood-sucking, selfish Corporation. Even I have standards!
You get used to most of the problems down here, but one thing that will never stop bothering me about this place, something I can't avoid, are all the fucking mimes! Mimes are everywhere, heckling the hell out of everyone. It’s been even worse ever since Marcel Marceu died. They are not even good mimes, all they do is that damn trapped in a box trick or they pretend to pull each other with ropes. If I wasn’t already dead, I would kill myself.
It’s not just the mimes that are annoying, everyone is. When someone arrives in Hell, Central Booking adjusts everyone’s voice box. They make all females sound like Fran Drescher and all males like Gilbert Gottfried. Gay people sound like a combination of the two, if you can imagine that. Even worse is that everyone talks in the third person. No one says I or us, but instead always says their full name, whenever talking about themselves. On top of that, everyone is assigned one of those small, really annoying dogs that bark all the fuckin’ time. Every time I see one, I want to kick it.
As much as it sucks going out, being at home is no better. It is hard to relax. The radio only offers two stations: either the B-52s Loveshack on eternal repeat or the sounds of a baby crying. We only have 4 TV stations: The Fly Fucking Channel, the Paint Drying Channel, The Ben Affleck Movie Channel, or D-Span. D-Span is where we get to hear our elected representative talk about various issues facing Hell. This wouldn’t be so bad, except all the Politicians down here really bad stuttering problems. There are also way too many of them. Hell is filled with Politicians. So many that they have their own wing. They are separated from other residents because Satan doesn’t want them being a bad influence on us. Hell is also filled with lawyers, mechanics, contractors, insurance agents, bankers and top executives of Corporations, in addition to us regular people.
There is no cell phone reception down here, of course, so all we have is rotary phones. This doesn’t really bother me, though, as the only phone calls we are allowed to receive are from Telemarketers, and they only call during dinner time. You can’t just ignore the phone when they call, because your phone rings to the sound of a woman nagging at you. You answer just to shut her up. We don’t have the internet, but we do still get chain letters. They come through the mail to our house. Unlike on the surface, if you don’t send these letters on, you really will have bad luck in the love department for the next 20 years, or your testicles really will fall off.
The only way to communicate with your friends is in person. Although, I try not to have friends, because all they do is ask you to lend them money, help them move, or watch their kids. I do occasionally go over people's houses to play cards, but its always only for an hour, tops, as all the decks are missing three of the 6’s and all of the Kings. Satan says they belong to him.
The women in Hell leave a lot to be desired. All they want to do is cuddle and talk about their feelings. If you go out to a club and meet one, they are required to lead you on. They make you buy them drinks all night, and get you really hot, only to tell you at the end of the night that they have a boyfriend. Not that I go out much, because all the bars only serve two things: Triple Sec and Michelob Ultra. The one time I actually did score a blowjob, she didn’t swallow (it’s against the law in Hell). On top of that, women are required to use their teeth when giving head, so by the time the girl was done, my penis looked like a peeled mangled cucumber. The thing that really pisses me off about the women, though, is the fact that they all wear granny panties. You know how big of a turnoff it is when a smoking hot girl has on granny panties? Your dick shrivels up as if someone poured cold water on it. These are the reasons why people masturbate so much down here! I am trying to convince my doctor, Jack Kevorkian, to use his suicide machine to kill my libido entirely. That way, I will stop torturing myself even more than I already am. I should be grateful though, at least I’m not my buddy Steve. Steve pissed Satan off a few years ago, so he was punished by being given a Siamese Twin with whom he was joined at the hip. Normally, this wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that Steve is straight, and his twin is gay…and they only have one ass! Think about that one for a second.
Because of all the hardships, there is a lot of stress and depression down here, which is why I recently started smoke cigarettes again. Cigarettes are what killed me when I was on Earth. Not in the way you think, though. I was run over and killed by a Marlboro delivery truck. Unlike on the surface, down here you never need to worry about a light. Another good part is that I no longer have organs, being that I am dead. So, I can smoke as much as I want. It’s not like I am going to get cancer and die! However, I don’t smoke that much, as the only cigarettes available are Non-Filter…Menthols!
I do what I can to pass the time by. I like to keep in shape as much as possible. I went swimming today, which was relaxing, as long as the bloody Tampons and Band-Aids in the water don’t bother you. I read the Old Testament every day as well. Not the New Testament, though. If you are caught with the Bible down here your soul is taken, meaning you no longer exist. The Old Testament is okay because that isn’t composed of all Fairy Tales and a God that loves everyone. The Old Testament is more hardcore. It is filled with stories of a very vengeful God that spited anyone who disobeyed him. That is the kind of attitude the Devil likes, and respects. He wants all of us to fear what he can, and will do, if we don’t conform. The only other things we can read are Self-Help Books, and any of those For Dummy Books. Being that I have been dead quite a while, I have read a ton of both.
In terms of the food, it sucks. The only thing we have to eat is soup. You know how much it sucks when you get home from a hard days’ work, starving and in a bad mood, only to find out that all you have to eat is soup? It’s not even good soup, either. It’s always the crappy soups that even the homeless people don’t want, like Cream of Potato, Tomato or Pee (No, that is not spelled wrong). God forbid we get some soup with meat in it! We do have other food in vending machines, but the bags always get stuck. We are allowed to eat out, but the food we order always has either hair or a fly, in it. Plus, the servers are always extremely rude. As a result, I almost always eat at home.
As you can see, living in Hell is, well, it’s Hell. I am just scraping the surface on how bad it actually is. I literally have nothing to live for. Unfortunately, I am stuck here for eternity. I dug my own hole in this case, however. If I had just behaved myself while living, I could be livin’ it up in Heaven, partying with the coolest cats the world has ever known. It is too late for me, but it is not too late for you! If you change your ways, and start leading a righteous life, you too can be one of the chosen ones who has all their fantasies come true upon their arrival in Heaven. If St. Peter does let you in, please put a good word in for me with the big guy. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Now, for the other extreme- check out MY PERFECT DAY.
Hell is a pretty organized place, like a big city. We have a Government and a Court System. It is also a Democracy, believe it or not. We actually just had an election. The Devil beat out Martha Stewart to run Hell for the next millennia. Some people think the election was fixed, as everyone knows Martha Stewart is the definition of Evil, but most of her enemies are still living, so I think the Devil won fair and square. Nonetheless, Lucifer has done a good job of cleaning the place up. We have cities, neighborhoods, schools and churches just like on the surface. The only religion allowed is Satan Worshipping, but there are different branches of it available, so there is a choice.
Now don’t get me wrong, Hell is hot. Real Hot! Not that dry heat, either. I’m talking about that uncomfortable, sweating off ten pounds-a-second, hot. It's so hot that your sweat sweats. Because of the heat, the air is so thick that every time you breathe in, it feels like your swallowing cement. It smells terrible down here, too. It's like a combination of raw sewage and a Taco Bell Burrito Fart. Farts are supposed to dissipate after a few minutes, but down here, with no ventilation, the stench sticks around…forever. It sticks to your clothes, too. There is no point doing laundry, either, because the washing machines operate using red wine, not water. The showers and sinks the same thing. As a result, everyone down here is completely red…all the time! That is the reason we are red, it’s not because of the fire and brimstone or whatever they are telling you guys up there.
Besides being crazy hot, there are also many other things that make living down in Hell extremely difficult and undesirable. For example, you know that momentary tickle feeling you get in your nose right before you sneeze? We have that feeling every waking minute of every day. Even if we sneeze, the feeling stays. Also, we feel like we always have to pee REAL bad down here. I’m talking about that intense, bladder-puncturing pain when you think your ball sac is going to rip open. We don't really have to pee, as only semen comes out of our penis, but it feels like we do. There is also always something on the tip of our tongue that we can’t think of. The only difference is that we never think of it, and it becomes so annoying that it actually keeps us up at night. Also, since we need to keep this eternal fire going, there is wood and paper everywhere. Because of this, I am always getting fucking papercuts and slivers. Every goddamn day I am cutting myself. I would rather be shot than have 300 papercuts, that shit burns. To make us feel even less at home, the devil has implanted in our bodies an itch, smack dab in the middle of our back. It drives me crazy because I can never get to it.
This isn’t even the worst part of living down here. The worst part is when the swamp ass sets in, and our nuts get chafed. Because of all the heat and physical activity, our legs are always rubbing together. Eventually they get chafed, and our ass starts to really stink. Whenever I walk with chafed nuts it feels like the skin on my leg is getting ripped open. At least you can adjust your walk with chafed nuts, but, once I get the swampass that follows, my day is done! Swamp ass smells so wretched that even possessed souls have been known to leave their body. One time, I actually got the Devil himself sick. Almost got my soul taken away for that one.
To make us feel even more remorseful that we fucked up on Earth, every time we try and take a shit we’re constipated. When we actually do shit, it hurts your ass so bad that you swea your giving birth to a medicine ball. On its way out, that medicine ball burns your asshole like nothing you have ever experienced. It feels like you ate a hundred Toxic Hot Red Peppers the previous meal, and washed them down with tabasco sauce. Even worse, there is no toilet paper, ever. You always have to use your socks! You will find out that socks are used for a lot of things down here.
One good thing is that everyone works down here. We are forced to, which is good in a way, because we keep busy. The jobs assigned depend on how evil we were while on Earth, in addition to other factors; like time served, behavior, and experience. My job now is to clean up semen spills in the XXX-Rated Movie booths of Hell’s Adult Video Store. This is a very fast-paced, arduous job, as most people in Hell masturbate 5-6 times a day. Frequent masturbation is required in our Constitution. I don’t know how others do it, personally. While there are many porn stars down here, and all of them do still make adult movies, I just can’t get into them. This reluctance on my part probably stems from the fact that the porn stars look exactly how they did when they died; meaning their organs and intestines are hanging out of their body from when the autopsy was done. Needless to say, its hard to get a boner, at least for me, when I can see the dudes penis through the knife wound in the actress’s stomach.
Besides being crazy hot, there are also many other things that make living down in Hell extremely difficult and undesirable. For example, you know that momentary tickle feeling you get in your nose right before you sneeze? We have that feeling every waking minute of every day. Even if we sneeze, the feeling stays. Also, we feel like we always have to pee REAL bad down here. I’m talking about that intense, bladder-puncturing pain when you think your ball sac is going to rip open. We don't really have to pee, as only semen comes out of our penis, but it feels like we do. There is also always something on the tip of our tongue that we can’t think of. The only difference is that we never think of it, and it becomes so annoying that it actually keeps us up at night. Also, since we need to keep this eternal fire going, there is wood and paper everywhere. Because of this, I am always getting fucking papercuts and slivers. Every goddamn day I am cutting myself. I would rather be shot than have 300 papercuts, that shit burns. To make us feel even less at home, the devil has implanted in our bodies an itch, smack dab in the middle of our back. It drives me crazy because I can never get to it.
This isn’t even the worst part of living down here. The worst part is when the swamp ass sets in, and our nuts get chafed. Because of all the heat and physical activity, our legs are always rubbing together. Eventually they get chafed, and our ass starts to really stink. Whenever I walk with chafed nuts it feels like the skin on my leg is getting ripped open. At least you can adjust your walk with chafed nuts, but, once I get the swampass that follows, my day is done! Swamp ass smells so wretched that even possessed souls have been known to leave their body. One time, I actually got the Devil himself sick. Almost got my soul taken away for that one.
To make us feel even more remorseful that we fucked up on Earth, every time we try and take a shit we’re constipated. When we actually do shit, it hurts your ass so bad that you swea your giving birth to a medicine ball. On its way out, that medicine ball burns your asshole like nothing you have ever experienced. It feels like you ate a hundred Toxic Hot Red Peppers the previous meal, and washed them down with tabasco sauce. Even worse, there is no toilet paper, ever. You always have to use your socks! You will find out that socks are used for a lot of things down here.
One good thing is that everyone works down here. We are forced to, which is good in a way, because we keep busy. The jobs assigned depend on how evil we were while on Earth, in addition to other factors; like time served, behavior, and experience. My job now is to clean up semen spills in the XXX-Rated Movie booths of Hell’s Adult Video Store. This is a very fast-paced, arduous job, as most people in Hell masturbate 5-6 times a day. Frequent masturbation is required in our Constitution. I don’t know how others do it, personally. While there are many porn stars down here, and all of them do still make adult movies, I just can’t get into them. This reluctance on my part probably stems from the fact that the porn stars look exactly how they did when they died; meaning their organs and intestines are hanging out of their body from when the autopsy was done. Needless to say, its hard to get a boner, at least for me, when I can see the dudes penis through the knife wound in the actress’s stomach.
To clean up all these semen spills, I use dirty socks. You know how every time you do your laundry, you always have 2 or 3 socks that don’t have a match? Well, that's because all of them end up here. We send sock demons up to the surface every day to steal everyone’s socks. Dirty socks are used for everything down here, from clothing to packaging, to towels to fuel, so we need a lot of them. They are even used for condoms (rubber smells terrible when it burns). Condoms are actually the number one use of socks, as there is a lot of sex happening down here, all of it premarital, and mostly between strangers. Sex is actually forbidden once you get married, which is why you don’t see many married couples.
Before earning my current position, I was responsible for giving the senior residents of Hell sponge baths every day. I did that for many years, and I honestly don’t miss it one bit. It was just as disgusting the first day as it was the 10,000th. The only thing worse than seeing an old person naked, is having to wash and clean every inch of skin on that naked old person. I did that for around 400 years, until I got fed up one day, and ripped all the skin off Pope John Paul II, then proceeded to suffocate Anna Nicole Smith with it. That wasn't the problem. Everyone loved that part. What pissed everyone off is that, when I was trying to suffocate Anna Nicole, I accidentally knocked Adolf Hitler into a volcano, and his mustache burned off completely. Since Adolf was Satan's #2, someone had to pay. So, I got transferred. I had my choice of other jobs, but they all sucked. Among others, I could have been a door-to-door salesman, a telemarketer, a Customer Service Representative, or I could have worked at Wal Mart (Yes, We even have Wal Mart’s in Hell). I chose the sponge baths because I know how everyone hates door-to-door salesmen and telemarketers. I have a short fuse, so customer service representative was out of the question. In terms of Wal Mart, well, I might be sentenced to eternity in Hell, but that’s still better than being employed by that greedy, cheap, blood-sucking, selfish Corporation. Even I have standards!
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| Bad traffic will seem like a vacation compared to this Hell. |
You get used to most of the problems down here, but one thing that will never stop bothering me about this place, something I can't avoid, are all the fucking mimes! Mimes are everywhere, heckling the hell out of everyone. It’s been even worse ever since Marcel Marceu died. They are not even good mimes, all they do is that damn trapped in a box trick or they pretend to pull each other with ropes. If I wasn’t already dead, I would kill myself.
It’s not just the mimes that are annoying, everyone is. When someone arrives in Hell, Central Booking adjusts everyone’s voice box. They make all females sound like Fran Drescher and all males like Gilbert Gottfried. Gay people sound like a combination of the two, if you can imagine that. Even worse is that everyone talks in the third person. No one says I or us, but instead always says their full name, whenever talking about themselves. On top of that, everyone is assigned one of those small, really annoying dogs that bark all the fuckin’ time. Every time I see one, I want to kick it.
As much as it sucks going out, being at home is no better. It is hard to relax. The radio only offers two stations: either the B-52s Loveshack on eternal repeat or the sounds of a baby crying. We only have 4 TV stations: The Fly Fucking Channel, the Paint Drying Channel, The Ben Affleck Movie Channel, or D-Span. D-Span is where we get to hear our elected representative talk about various issues facing Hell. This wouldn’t be so bad, except all the Politicians down here really bad stuttering problems. There are also way too many of them. Hell is filled with Politicians. So many that they have their own wing. They are separated from other residents because Satan doesn’t want them being a bad influence on us. Hell is also filled with lawyers, mechanics, contractors, insurance agents, bankers and top executives of Corporations, in addition to us regular people.
There is no cell phone reception down here, of course, so all we have is rotary phones. This doesn’t really bother me, though, as the only phone calls we are allowed to receive are from Telemarketers, and they only call during dinner time. You can’t just ignore the phone when they call, because your phone rings to the sound of a woman nagging at you. You answer just to shut her up. We don’t have the internet, but we do still get chain letters. They come through the mail to our house. Unlike on the surface, if you don’t send these letters on, you really will have bad luck in the love department for the next 20 years, or your testicles really will fall off.
The only way to communicate with your friends is in person. Although, I try not to have friends, because all they do is ask you to lend them money, help them move, or watch their kids. I do occasionally go over people's houses to play cards, but its always only for an hour, tops, as all the decks are missing three of the 6’s and all of the Kings. Satan says they belong to him.
 |
| Nobody likes fucking mimes! |
The women in Hell leave a lot to be desired. All they want to do is cuddle and talk about their feelings. If you go out to a club and meet one, they are required to lead you on. They make you buy them drinks all night, and get you really hot, only to tell you at the end of the night that they have a boyfriend. Not that I go out much, because all the bars only serve two things: Triple Sec and Michelob Ultra. The one time I actually did score a blowjob, she didn’t swallow (it’s against the law in Hell). On top of that, women are required to use their teeth when giving head, so by the time the girl was done, my penis looked like a peeled mangled cucumber. The thing that really pisses me off about the women, though, is the fact that they all wear granny panties. You know how big of a turnoff it is when a smoking hot girl has on granny panties? Your dick shrivels up as if someone poured cold water on it. These are the reasons why people masturbate so much down here! I am trying to convince my doctor, Jack Kevorkian, to use his suicide machine to kill my libido entirely. That way, I will stop torturing myself even more than I already am. I should be grateful though, at least I’m not my buddy Steve. Steve pissed Satan off a few years ago, so he was punished by being given a Siamese Twin with whom he was joined at the hip. Normally, this wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that Steve is straight, and his twin is gay…and they only have one ass! Think about that one for a second.
Because of all the hardships, there is a lot of stress and depression down here, which is why I recently started smoke cigarettes again. Cigarettes are what killed me when I was on Earth. Not in the way you think, though. I was run over and killed by a Marlboro delivery truck. Unlike on the surface, down here you never need to worry about a light. Another good part is that I no longer have organs, being that I am dead. So, I can smoke as much as I want. It’s not like I am going to get cancer and die! However, I don’t smoke that much, as the only cigarettes available are Non-Filter…Menthols!
I do what I can to pass the time by. I like to keep in shape as much as possible. I went swimming today, which was relaxing, as long as the bloody Tampons and Band-Aids in the water don’t bother you. I read the Old Testament every day as well. Not the New Testament, though. If you are caught with the Bible down here your soul is taken, meaning you no longer exist. The Old Testament is okay because that isn’t composed of all Fairy Tales and a God that loves everyone. The Old Testament is more hardcore. It is filled with stories of a very vengeful God that spited anyone who disobeyed him. That is the kind of attitude the Devil likes, and respects. He wants all of us to fear what he can, and will do, if we don’t conform. The only other things we can read are Self-Help Books, and any of those For Dummy Books. Being that I have been dead quite a while, I have read a ton of both.
In terms of the food, it sucks. The only thing we have to eat is soup. You know how much it sucks when you get home from a hard days’ work, starving and in a bad mood, only to find out that all you have to eat is soup? It’s not even good soup, either. It’s always the crappy soups that even the homeless people don’t want, like Cream of Potato, Tomato or Pee (No, that is not spelled wrong). God forbid we get some soup with meat in it! We do have other food in vending machines, but the bags always get stuck. We are allowed to eat out, but the food we order always has either hair or a fly, in it. Plus, the servers are always extremely rude. As a result, I almost always eat at home.
We aren’t allowed to have dollar bills in Hell, which is another reason I don’t go out much. All the paper is used to keep the eternal fire going. As a result, we are only allowed to carry change. Not all change, either. The Devil doesn’t like us to have coins with rigid sides, for fear that we will use them to dig to the surface. We are only allowed to carry nickels and pennies. Payday is always bittersweet, because while I do get $500 a week, it is given to me all in loose, small denomination change. I have to carry it home in a wheelbarrow, or in the trunk of my car. I don’t like using my car, though, because it breaks down all the time. I am not just saying that because it breaks down a lot, either. It literally breaks down every single time I use it. That is yet another item in our Constitution.
As you can see, living in Hell is, well, it’s Hell. I am just scraping the surface on how bad it actually is. I literally have nothing to live for. Unfortunately, I am stuck here for eternity. I dug my own hole in this case, however. If I had just behaved myself while living, I could be livin’ it up in Heaven, partying with the coolest cats the world has ever known. It is too late for me, but it is not too late for you! If you change your ways, and start leading a righteous life, you too can be one of the chosen ones who has all their fantasies come true upon their arrival in Heaven. If St. Peter does let you in, please put a good word in for me with the big guy. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Now, for the other extreme- check out MY PERFECT DAY.
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